Starting off, I don't know if this is the right forum to post about this. My mother compared to most other users on this forum is quite young. She is just going on 40; I'm 20 myself. I'm currently in college and still living with her and I wouldn't say I take care of her exactly, but I do help with it. She's abused medications for years as far back as I can remember. Her mother abused medication as well, and my father did as well. My parents split up when I was very young and I was thankful to have an amazing stepdad. He has done a lot trying to help take care of my mother with her problems, and my grandfather had helped as well, but the issue has just seemed to get worse with time. A lot of her prescriptions we manage and only allow her the correct doses, but she continuously goes behind our backs and gets new prescription medications without our knowledge and then will go on "benders" and abuse them and take a month's supply in a weekend. It's obvious when she does this and it is very noticeable, but I have n0 idea on what I or my stepdad is able to do. We've tried everything possible, but she goes to new doctors constantly and gets new prescriptions and we have no idea of the doctors' names or what they are prescribing. She's able to convince the doctors that she needs all these random medications and they just prescribe them. I'm not sure how she gets them, where she hides them or anything. We've turned the house inside out looking for them each time she gets messed up on them. It's become a massive problem and I'm just at a breaking point. I love her to death and she was basically a solo parent for me growing up. I hate seeing her go down the same rabbit hole my grandmother did. I've read a few posts where users had older parents with this issue and the common theme was "they can't be helped unless they want to be helped," which I understand. That sadly isn't possible with my mother. Every time this happens, I have to take all the car keys and hide them and hope she doesn't try to leave the house. I'm not sure what all medicine she has access to or has prescribed, but I do know one of them is "xanax". If I'm unable to contact all of her doctors and let them know of her problem, and she keeps secretly getting prescriptions is there anything I am able to do? I've tried confronting her and speaking with her about it, but she will deny it ever happened. She will abuse any pill even if it doesn't have any actual effect, whether it's prescribed or OTC. She will take tons of it mixed with other stuff. I'm honestly surprised she hasn't overdosed yet. She goes thru 1, 2, or 3-month supplies of a prescribed medication in just a weekend or two. She has lost countless jobs due to this (like 6 in the past 12 months). Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated. If I left anything out or anyone needs more information, I'll gladly give it out. It's early in the morning and I just woke up to her going on one of her trips getting messed up on medication as I am writing this, so I apologize for any spelling mistakes or other problems. I greatly appreciate anyone's time who is reading this, thank you.
The organization you want is Nar-Anon. If you can't find them, start going to Al-Anon meetings.
Withdraw your help and support from this situation. Let your step-dad take the keys.
You need to help yourself, as BarbBrooklyn pointed out. You need the support, so do it.
Given the gravity of the situation you described, you can only save yourself. Your mother is doing what addicts do.
You cannot have her recovery for her. You can only put up clear and strong boundaries for yourself and make sure you are not ENABLING her in any way. I highly recommend watching a few episodes of the series "Intervention" so that you can see what boundaries look like and how addicts all have universal behaviors. It will also give you hope for her ability to recover.
How is she getting the money to buy the drugs anyhow? How is she keeping a job? Never never lend her money (no matter what "excuse" she gives you or how sad and desperate she acts), don't let her into your home so that she can steal stuff and pawn it for cash or raid your medicine cabinet. Never never leave your purse unguarded when she's present.
Like others suggested, go to Nar-Anon and get support. And make boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
For the stress I would find a support group for you and your step dad. They have them in person and online. They are probably hot lines too. If your not sure you are into it, just give it a try. It would be good to talk about it,and relieve some of the stress. They can offer ways to cope and not enable her. If this is link below a no go; there are other options in your area. Even ones you can call and speak to someone. You are not alone having a love one addicted. Please remember that. There is no shame in that. You cannot control her addiction. People understand more than you think. Most of us know someone with a drug or alc problem.
https://herrenproject.org/online-support-groups/
I find it strange a doc would give a 3 month supply of a controlled med. They can get in trouble for that. She is probably getting them in the street. Maybe she is telling you that, to keep you away from knowing her real source. The street and online.
An intervention would be good. Where is she getting the money for the pills if she is not working?
You and your step dad should
lay down the law and not supply money to her. Who owns the home? If your step dad owns it, he can say he will kick her out if she doesn't get help. Keys need to be taken away permanently. She is a danger to herself and could kill an innocent person if she is doped up while driving. Is she drinking as well to increase the effect of the drugs? Tell her the keys are wherever she left them. But take them. Never let her find them.
Im afraid my knowledge doesn't go as far as how to do an intervention. So I think that is where in person meetings or online meetings can help you with what to do, and how to go about it.
If your step dad won't help with that, is there another place you can live? Another relative? Relieve some stress so you can concentrate on your studies?
People can get pills delivered to them from online these days. Right to their door. So internet access needs to be blocked. From what I have heard they can order them from apps like Instagram. They can be there within the hour.
Does she have access to a cell phone? She's got dealers numbers in there. Shut off the cell phone. You can say she must have lost it when she went out, or on a bender. Shutting it off would be easier. Do not cont to pay it. Shut off home phone. Whoever is paying her bills needs to stop.
By doing these things, it will escalate fights. You and your step dad, grandfather must be a united front always. If not it will never work. You are still enabling in ways that you probably don't know. That is why the best help would be the support groups. I'm sure they have some for young adults. So they might be easier to go to. But please give them a try. IF one group doesn't work, try another, or a help line. I'm sure they can tell you how to cope and what to do.
I think the step dad needs to step up. I'm sure he's paying the bills making it very comfortable for her to go on a benders, knowing you and him will be there to help her. She has a roof over her head, money, a car, poss cell phone, and a way to get the drugs. All those avenues need to be taken away and shut down. And you need help with how to deal with the yelling, and fall out, of not being able to get her drugs. It will be an adult having a four year old meltdown. If that happens walk away. She'll want an audience. No fun throwing a tantrum alone. That is why the groups/phone support can help. Your step dad needs to threaten to kick her out, and change the locks if she doesn't go to rehab. The groups/ info will help you handle her and where to send her. Take Care
Everyone has to call each other as if it’s the codes to the nuclear bomb. These controlled meds are electronic and every prescription is tracked under the patients name. You cannot get extra meds.
Unless she’s using another name and paying out of pocket or buying them off the street she’s not going through regular channels.
If you have POA or let her docs know they can pull up her prescription records anywhere and find out where she’s getting them filled and from who. Unless she’s buying from a dealer, then you have to think about her friends and contacts.
Id look at her finances too, see where her money goes around that time.
Please don't brush this off. Listen to me.
I know you can't imagine it right now but if you don't sort out YOUR experience with these unloving, selfish examples of maternal behavior, as much as you think you know better and think you have a handle on the situation, you need to get away and join a group something like Nar-Anon (for drug addicted loved ones), or Al-anon.
This is very important not only for you to live your most healthiest life but also because, guaranteed, this imbecilic mom of yours will affect your marriage and the family that you make. The reverberations of how you have been affected will in fact affect your children and husband even if they will have never met her.
Intimacy, (not just sex, but trust, feeling and sharing closeness, and feeling secure) will be damaged. As a result there will go another husband and kids with a mom that may not be a substance abuser but one that is carrying a screwed up little girl's idea of a happy family life that doesn't work.
Unfortunately for all of you in your immediate family drugs are more important to your mom than her daughter and family. She may have a good reason (in her weak mind) for doing it. It fills a hole in her heart that her mom should've filled. For your mom drugs help in a most childish way to deal with whatever is hurting her.
This is not your problem. Take a step back. You are not her momma. Your mom is a burning house that you should be running away from. You are the one that should've been protected and nurtured. Two generations? You are not equipped to help. You are too (not irrevokably) damaged to be of help.
I've known mothers who were not alcoholics but were the children of alcoholics. They were very attentive if you think just keeping the children clean and well fed and a perfect house attentive, but it was a facade. They were damaged and in turn their children became damaged and the third generation suffered emotionally as well.
Join the military. Speak to your schools counselor about going to school abroad.
Get a job, maybe in your college and go to school at night.
Break the cycle.
How in the world do think she became an addict? Get the heck out. Do you want your children to only know that grandma and grandma great were drug addicts and give them your memories? You already know to-the-bone that she will not change. People survive without parents especially bad parents. Be level-headed, be wise, be strong.
Are you going to blind like her to the necessity of getting away from a bad mom and doing the healthy thing?
You are old enough to know what is of value - life and family. You should've been held as a jewel of great value in your parents home. Focus on being a survivor of craziness. Focus on learning in school and keeping the company of people who are excited about the wonders of life rather than the dullness of alcohol or drugs. It's a terrific thing.
You will learn what should be protected. You are important and you should've been cherished and protected from this BS.
"Whenever I didn't know how to handle something, I'd ask myself what my parents would do. Then I did the opposite."
My heart breaks for you.
My ex DIL was addicted to pain medication & eventually, whatever she could get her hands on. She doctor-hopped & used *her* mother's name to get opioids. She died of an overdose with at least 7 different drugs in her system. It wasn't the first time she OD'd, but it was the only time she didn't come back. She was 47. She denied she was addicted.
Addiction is a beast that forces you to feed it. Hiding her pills doesn't starve it, and logically, you know you can't live in this unhealthy and dangerous environment. The good thing is that you're looking to escape its claws. Others have said, "Take care of yourself." Take their advice: find a Nar-anon group, take advantage of your college's counseling services, and most of all, don't be ashamed.
You are not alone.
It's not your fault.
You can't fix it on your own.
I know it's hard. She's your mom, but addiction has taken over her life. I pray that she can find a way out, but unless and until that happens, I wish you & your family strength to deal with it.
(((hugs)))
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