I am the oldest of 7 and 4 daughters remain alive, + 14 grandchildren, and 4 great grandchildren. Post the above 2 funerals, my mother is aware she needs to make changes, & take out the recently deceased above (both died suddenly). My parents were/ are financially secure, & choose to live their lives conservatively, and were not open to share any funds, financial resources, etc. Money seemed to be often the main focus of our parents goals, & so be it. My mother is alone now, & at odds & in a quandry, about how to re do her will, which she mentions to me daily, & appears to be in much stress about. Post my fathers funeral, and my sisters passing, my mother has judged who has not been there for her, & appears angry, disappointed, & frequently speaks that it is disgusting, that no one calls, visits etc. At present only 2 siblings, by choice are involved, but the topic continually is of how all the others are not. I am saddened by that, & also am aware that one cannot make or insist people come & visit etc.
Prior to my dads passing he would call, & say to others that they had a duty to visit my mother etc.The guilt trip was often not welcomed, but my fathers emotional well being towards my mother was paramount. He was her spokesperson often, although she is independent, or so she believes, & in very good health at 88. I am becoming weary with a broken spirit, hearing about a will, almost daily. I have asked for years, & still request to not be in it, as i have sensed and still do, a major upheaval, and why all the lifelong focus on the future when the present matters more! All my mom talks of is what she needs to do, as if she dies tomorrow the state will come in & take it. She has seen at length 2 elder law attorneys who both have written extensive drafts, but she disagrees with both. I have suggested that she give input to these attorneys & share that she has currently strained relationships and needs guidance etc. Often she says as did my father, that no one is deserving,and thus it should go to charity. I also have supported that verbally, and then my mother says, why give to strangers who will never appreciate it. The main caveat is, I see as I always have, was that my parents #1 goal was always to be financially independent, pay off their home, own properties, etc, and that has been acheived as a goal multiple times, and in doing so, it has been their choice to keep accumulating etc.
I guess I am stumped in assisting my mother advice wise,which is a daily topic of who is not there for her, and as a result should not get $$ items, assests etc......Money is a tool and a neccessity, and it has I believe added to the fragmentation of our family. I am aware my father was raised in the depression era, etc. but it equally saddens me, that money has become over the years the Main Focus of their lives. My mothers dilemmna to not feel anyone deserves it, and to cut out this one and that one, is consuming her, and talking of it, to me , is exhausting me also. Over the years the-focus of money, and their choice to not share any excess, was and is their choice. I would like to see my mom do whatever she wants, however she feels there is no one or two deserving. I am & will continue to be there as she is alone, and lonely, although she denies it. I also must share, as my dad was getting sicker and sicker with his serious heart ailment, my mother was annoyed at his condition, and as one nurse told us, she is just not a caretaker.
I was one of the last to see my dad, in the hospital, and he never looked or felt better. He was looking forward to coming home (he never did) but his one request was & was the first time I heard this and that was he did not want to be anywhere near my mother, and I knew why. (they lived in the same home, diff rooms) He sensed, knew, and had experienced her intolerance, and her reluctance to help care for him, and to get help (as she did not want anyone in her home, etc, it was becoming a nightmare!) My mother also the day before my father died, was annoyed when he, my Dad called her from the hospital nearby, as she had not called or visited in 3 days, and asked why? And her reply was,” well I am talking to you now” My father wanted to be loved, and I believe he never felt that, he craved her love, and was there for her always. Money,money,money, I have seen what it can do, if it becomes the focus of ones life, everyday, and how unhealthy that can be. My mother was also never denied what she wanted, & having enough money to be comfortable, gave her the independence. Both parents were also I feel very judgemental and critical of their children and most individuals. So I write all this as I feel I married my parents years ago, and have spent my entire life, serving them, as did my siblings. I am aware that self love must come first, so here I am, still trying to be present, but at the same time feeling alone and overwhelmed. I am a party of one, lost, depressed, and left my educational position years ago. My mother was an only child, loved her father, and hated her mother, our nana who the 7 of us adored.Thank you.