My mom’s bitterness turned into something physical for the first time. What can I do?

Are you and your mom American citizens? Take her with you when you return. She needs to be mentally and physically assessed. You can do nothing there in your current situation except be there for your mom to have a victim to torture.

Thank you Smeshque!

Rosses- will be praying the lady works out and for your peace of mind.

Want to share what my mom said today. She told me she was sorry about her behavior the other day; admitted she woke up with a desire to just scream! but of course she didn’t. So she finally had the explosion she had.
She said she understands she was wrong to do what she did, and that I’ve nothing to be blamed for. That she is sorry and she doesn’t want me to believe she is crazy, that she was just completely overwhelmed. Her voice was breaking as she said this.

I told her she never needs to apologize to me, that I understand, completely understand how she feels. That my main concern wasn’t at all what I felt, but that I knew she had to be at her limit to have lost it like that. That it hurts me to no end that she is hurting so much. That I love her. The rest doesn’t matter.

Now, do I feel better after what she said? Not really, not at all.
See, I don’t need validation, I don’t need apologies, specially not from my mother. What I really need, she cannot give me because at this point it is out of her control, and that is, peace of mind.

It really makes me very sad to see her so diminished and so over her limit. It also doesn’t mean that it won’t happen again...especially when I’m gone. Or maybe when I’m gone she’ll do better because she won’t have me to complain to, almost as her punching bag (I admit that’s how it feels to be the recipient of her anger sometimes).

Im sharing this so we all remember that out elderly loved ones are trapped within themselves and are many times the victims of their own doing, their on thinking, their own choices.

Nothing my mom said is new to me. The problem is she doesn’t understand for example that remaining inside her house with no other distraction other than her own thoughts is the worst way to deal with life, specially at this,point; that chosing isolation over socialization has consequences (I’m guilty of this too). She doesn’t understand that she has had a problem with anger all her life, and now that problem is a deadly weapon that points at herself, because it became the root of her bitterness. She doesn’t understand that someone that is consistently unhappy becomes permanently bitter.

How much unawareness we can live with and carry all throughout our life, which at the end becomes our own trap! How ironic is life.

It’s is good reminder I think -at least it is for me- that we need to be careful and mindful of our choices as to how to live our life, so when we get to our golden years the weight we carry, aside from illness and weakness, isn’t made unnecessarily heavier because of our self imposed limitations and adopted sorrows.

On the bright side, today I talked to a lady that someone recommended, and she said she would come on Monday. If this works out, by the time I need to travel I hope she is fully trained and my mom is used to her. Crossing fingers she does come, and that she is good and the solution I was hoping for!

Yes Jeanne you nailed it. Thank you,

Smeshque, she knows but she also knows it is for a relatively short period of time and that I would never, ever, not come back. I know she knows that for a fact. But I can see how someone could feel fearful of being alone, yet unfortunately in my mom’s case I think it’s all coming from her feeling that her ability to cope with all life throws at her (illnesses, feeling like she cannot do so many things without depending on someone anymore, feeling “useless”, etc) are just too much. The problem is, what for others would translate into sadness, or maybe a desire to just rest, or -for people definitely better than me- it would simply mean acceptance, for my mom it translates into serious bitterness and anger.

We, human beings all have our strengths and our weaknesses, and sometimes our strengths ARE our weaknesses.
My mom has always been independent, in control, and very strong, always knowing what to do and doing it (or at least that’s how she felt). So loosing all of that is too much for her, and if you add her physical issues, her emotional issues, it’s really a tragedy.

I fully understand all that, but also pray that her really loosing it to the point of throwing a plate on the floor with absolute anger does not mean she’s truly getting worse, specially now that I’ve to go, well, in about two months.

I’m just praying it was just a really bad day for her, as we could have it. The thing is, afterwards, although she knows she did something wrong, she keeps an offended attitude, I act lovingly and normal, but she keeps acting as if I had done something to offend her, which doesn’t bother in the sense that I know none of her behavior is based on any logical reason (as in me doing something wrong), but it does bother me because it concerns me, greatly, as it relates to her emotional and mental situation.

And oh I wish I could trust someone in VA to manage my property!

Everybody’s words are comforting, always, and I appreciate them tremendously! I just pray all of us receive the light we need to go through each one of our paths.

Rosses, does your Mom know that you are going? Is it possible who new agitation is that she knows you are leaving and may be fearful, you will not return. Sometimes, people as I have seen in my family, treat each other poorly when they are going to leave each other for a while. Sounds crazy but I have seen it.Only because they just don't want to be sad.
Just throwing it out there. I am so sorry the weight of your load has increased. If I were in VA I would offer to handle your properties as we manage properties here. I will be praying for you, and hang in there. I know that God gives YOU an amazing strength and it will all work out Rosses. You are not alone.
Don't lose hope and don't lose faith. I wish I could give you wonderful words like yo always have for others.

Thank you Marcia, I completely understand what you mean. However in my situation I am the only person that can and will take care of my mom, plus, I could not live with myself if I did not.

This is my choice. Yet, that doesn’t make it easier. Choosing to do “the right thing” means usually accepting the hardest path. And I know I’m greatly affecting my own life.

Someone reminded me that we should learn to live through the difficult stages of life, find a way because there is always a way, stop trying to change the unchangeable as that is like trying to walk through a wall of cement, it won’t happen, we will only hurt ourselves trying. So, we need to accept and learn to live what we have ahead. Sounds simple, but so very hard in practice.

I just hope my mom’s mental health and general health doesn’t get worse. Or that at least I’ve the opportunity to handle one problem at a time. And I truly pray to find the wisdom to do what is best for her, as that will mean doing the best for my peace of heart in the long run.

Rosses003- I just re read your post and your mom doesn't have dementia, apparently. (I'm a little new to the boards.) When we hired an Aging Care Specialist, one of the reasons we chose the one we chose is because she said "I believe people should make their own decisions if they are able to do so-even if they are decisions with which I disagree." I know it's torture for people to stand by while their loved ones make decisions that seem irrational. Have you considered the idea that the results of her bad decisions are not your fault and not your responsibility? It might actually be counterproductive for you to get in between your mom and the consequences of her decisions.

The hard part is evaluating her competency. You can't expect someone with a compromised brain to make decisions. But it sounds as though your mom suffers from cancer not dementia. You are turning your life upside down to stand by your mom and it doesn't seem to be what she wants.

In my family culture, care of the elderly was just assigned to the eldest girl and the eldest boy handled the finances. No one ever said this out loud, but this is how it was modeled and expected. I have friends from the same ethnic background who have seriously compromised their own financial futures caring for parents. My very good friend said "This is what I want to do. I'm doing it for me...not for them. " and I respect that. But her brothers absolutely took her sacrifice for granted and her father absolutely expected it and I didn't see a lot of reflection about whether or not it was the fair solution. It was just the way things were. So maybe give some thought to how things were modeled for you and then re examine those values and make sure they are still the ones you want to live by. Because you are affecting your own life and your own financial future. Make sure it's what you want to do...not a default position.

I hope this doesn't come across as unkind. I am completely empathetic to your situation and you really sound like someone who is trying to do the right thing. But do the right thing for yourself and for your mom as far as you are able. Best of luck!

Thank you Snoopy!
Me too.

Rosses, so sorry you are going through this right now. I hope you do find some angels to help you both in VA and in your mom's home to help while you're away.

Ahmijoy I didn’t want to imply that you guys thought I was irresponsible, I just wanted to clarify that I would not leave my mom alone. Having two caregivers is an idea I was thinking about, I just need to get lucky enough to find them.

Veronica, I had a managing agent before, and had the WORST experience ever despite the fact that they came highly recommended. To make a long story short, I trusted them with my house as I had to leave to care for my mother, leaving them to find suitable renters. Well, they rented my house to five college kids...yet told me they’d found a “really nice couple”. When I found out, I still kept them as managers out of need, as switching companies at that point was more trouble than what I could handle from here, and I could not make the kids leave at that point as they had/have a contract..as a result my house now needs serious repairing (a friend sent me pictures); all these to tell you, I need to go receive my house and I know I’ll have to fix it up. I cannot afford someone doing it on my behalf and charging me an arm and a leg for everything; and I don’t want to sell it. 

I know not all managing agents are the same, but I’ve had enough. I already ended up paying more in repairs than what I received from the rental last year. So, I’ve concluded that there’s no choice but for me to go in person. It’s my most important asset, the one that will help me to get back on my feet once I finally go back ‘home’, as I’ll need a home to go back to. So I need to take care of that too, as that is my future.

And I don’t mind sharing where my house is, it is in Richmond, VA. I wish there was an angel that could actually handle the management of the property as it should be done!

Can you afford to find someone in the US to do what is essential before finding new renters. most realtors know someone who can take on that kind of work. There are also companys that take on the task of finding and vetting new tenants and generally managing the property.
That way maybe you would not need to return to the US at all. Do you mind sharing your location? If you don't want to that is fine but there maybe other members who are from a similar location and could help you with services if there are any.

Neither Marcia nor I in any way intended for you to read we are calling you irresponsible. I think both of us understand that you are between a rock and a hard place here. Not knowing you or your mother, it is impossible for us to even try to determine if there might be a magic word or phrase that would make your mother “see the light” and realize she needs to see the doctor by June. There obviously would have to be someone very creative and devisive to convince this lady she’s not being fair to her daughter or to herself. Some people just don’t trust doctors. So what can you do? Interview more than one person for the caregiver position. Tag-team more or less. Sounds like your mother might pass her time telling one caregiver the other is better or complaining to one about the other, and so on and the 4 weeks will pass without incident, hopefully. In any case, there is nothing you can do. You can’t hogtie Mom and transport her to the doctor, and even if one does make housecalls, she probably wouldn’t let them touch her. The only thing that would happen then is that you would have a witness to Mom’s temper tantrums and it might make it easier for you to get help.

Problem is she absolutely refuses to be checked by a doctor. I also mentioned that she has always been difficult, it’s not an all of the sudden situation. What is new is the physical reaction, which she hadn’t had before. My hope is to hire someone qualified, but my concern is that my mom may fire the person while I’m gone. It is a huge risk to leave her under the circumstances, yet it’s been my same problem forever always, now worse.

I’m by no means irresponsible, and know the seriousness of the situation...hence my serious concern! I understand both of your points, and hope that from now to June I can find someone that’s trustworthy and that will understand that she needs to ignore the rudeness, specially not take it personally, which someone qualified would do..but that doesn’t lessen my concern.

You keep saying you “don’t think”, but in reality you aren’t a doctor and you don’t have lab facilities to do blood or urine tests. In your first post, you presented to us a woman who is seemingly out of control for no apparent reason. Will you have someone qualified, meaning someone in health care, stay with her while you are gone or just someone from your neighborhood who might need the extra income? Will this person be able to be counted on if Mom “loses it” with them or will they walk out leaving Mom alone? Four weeks can be forever if one is dealing with an unpredictable situation.

Were I you, I would have Mom thoroughly checked by a doctor before I left. That way, you can leave with peace of mind that you did all you could.

If your mom has dementia, you can't count on her past behavior as a guide to her future actions. And don't discount the power of a UTI. A urinary tract infection in the elderly does not present the same symptoms as it does in a younger person and can absolutely cause altered thinking and unusual behavior.

You sound like you could use some help. Maybe the church has someone you can speak to? Possibly your mother's doctor's office has someone who can guide you to local resources. What your mom will or won't accept is really not part of the equation right now. You are leaving. She is a vulnerable adult. What does the community do with vulnerable adults? Find out.

She asked me to call a doctor about two months ago for some stomach problems, so the doctor came and gave her medication. That’s about all medical help she’s accepted.

I’m only going to the US for four weeks, but need to find someone to stay with her.

She is supremely consumed by anger. I don’t think there’s the excuse of an UTI. And I don’t think she’s at the point of grabbing a knife, I don’t think she’ll ever be because it seems to me that no matter how deep in pain, mental or physical, she is, she always grabs on to her reality, not sure if that makes sense. It does feel like an against the wall situation for me as her caregiver and as her daughter.

Is Mom under any doctor’s care at all? When these “moods” turn violent, it can signal a urinary tract infection. My own mother wound up tied to the bed in the hospital because she kept attacking the nurses and even me. From what I’ve read and heard, countries foreign to the USA treat their elderly a whole heck of a lot better than we do. Have you made any effort at all to find any resources or help? Mom seriously sounds like she’s out of control and consumed with anger, spewing vitriol and accusations at you. What do you plan to do when you come back to the US? Will she stay alone? If she continues on this downward spiral with no medical intervention that might not be such a good idea. If she does have a doctor, tell them you absolutely need help, now. With so much anger inside her, next time she may not throw a plate, she may grab a knife.