My mom (86) has dementia, is living with my 93 year old dad and they think they can make Thanksgiving dinner!

Be thankful your mother wants to do this and help her with it if you can. She probably won’t be here much longer.

Why not ask if you can do it together so that you can spend more time with one another? We offered to do all the shopping or take them with us and they loved that. Have your father relax on the sofa with members of the family while you and your mother and other family members are in the kitchen. We talked mom into sitting down and giving us instructions while one of us brushed her hair and another rubbed her feet. And we asked both of them to tell us lots of family stories. No one fought. No one was anxious. Everything got done. And it was a memorable occasion for all the right reasons.  Creativity, my friends.  Creativity and love.  

If there is any way to give your parents some semblance of what they want this year, I hope you can do it. Others have given suggestions. What can Dad still do? Get him involved. Perhaps they can "host" the event, even if it can't be at their house. If there are any young children in the family, see if they can help decorate. "Gram, where should I hang this paper turkey?" My sister hosts many family parties and has her grandkids over a few days ahead to make placemats or name cards or other decorations. I'm kind of sad that we will run out of kids that age soon! Take advantage if you have them.

My husband and I shared cooking duties, and he had a few specialties. When he got dementia he couldn't cook meals any more but I enabled him to continue with those special dishes. It would have been easier to make them myself, but easy wasn't my goal. I was his "assistant" and it worked out well.

What do you plan for dinner? Then think of it in terms of what your mother can do. Toast and cut (or tear) bread for stuffing? Mix the ingredients for rolls? Select placemats, dishes and set the table? Think creatively and find a way for her to boost her self esteem.

Quilting: If you let them have a trial run (with you in the background) making say a chicken dinner, you'll then be there to pick up the pieces when it's goes sideways. Point is then proven, but have a tissue box handy. Do they regularly cook their own meals?

Forgot to mention, my parents live with us. And then having my mil and her disabled sister (who resides in an assisted living) for dinner too.

Thanks for all your responses. They have helped me! We're going to have Thanksgiving at home, for the first time in awhile. We've gone out for alot of the past years-just easier. But this year, my husband and I have decided to clean ( a task in itself) and cook. My mom(79 yr old and not "with it") keeps asking what she can do. I'm thinking, unfortunately, not much, even though she really wants to help. But making stuff together, is the answer-thanks!! I didn't think of that.

Offer to go help Mom. If she tells you she doesn't need help turn it around. Tell her you really love the way she puts the meal together and you need to see how she does it and learn her special holiday recipes. When I would spend the weekend with Mom the last year she was with us I'd get her to get interested in cooking by asking her to show me how. We'd spend the morning deciding what to make and then make the grocery list. If she wasn't up to shopping I went alone and also picked up a few extra items for during the week. Now I have the memory of those Saturdays in her kitchen whenever I pull out one of her recipes.

I am with others on this situation. Go to mom and dads. Talk to them about what they want to do with the idea that this will be some part potluck. Tell them that just getting everything clean and set up is enough. There is probably something that mom cooked better than anyone else. Beg her to do that item, everyone else can supply the rest or whole meals can be purchased at grocery stores. A Ham, a turkey and other meat can be selected.

The last time Momma made her wonderful pumpkin pie she forgot the sugar - so be prepared that her item might not be as wonderful as in the past. The most important thing is that they feel like they are contributing to their family and that you are all together. When they are gone, knowing you went the distance for them will bring you comfort instead of regret.

Go help them. Order some food items or bring some. If they cook other meals then they may be able to cook Thanksgiving dinner. It is a good sign when old people want to do things, it means they have not given up yet. When an old person gives up, it isn't long till they die. You should be happy that they aren't giving up yet. I agree with Isabelle's daughter Go have dinner with your parents smile, see them smile and take pictures. Any time one of them will be gone and things will change. They are happy right now because they still have each other. Enjoy this day and be glad your family is still here. Some people like myself has no one to have dinner with.

You won't have many more thanksgivings at your parents house, so try to make the best of it. Take lots of pictures and be thankful:)

Elderly folks, even those without dementia, tend to view themselves as younger and capable - even when they know that they are no longer "there" now.

I suspect that your folks are more interested in continuing the "family tradition" than doing the actual cooking. So, either invite them over to your place - or reserve a private room at a restaurant and pay somebody else to cook.

Last year it became apparent that Mom wasn't able to handle the commotion of so many people at the house, even though she loves having family around. She got very confused and needed constant reminders of what was going to happen next. We had already been buying precooked meals and filling in with sides which had worked for a number of years but we knew we needed to do something different going forward. Since we have family coming in from out of town and staying for several days, we decided to rent a local Air BnB which would not only be place to stay, but a place to have the dinner (and other gatherings for the weekend). At first Mom was hesitant but I could tell she was relieved that she didn't have to worry about many house guests and a dinner. Now she's completely on board with the idea, was excited to get her list of what she could make and seems much more relaxed. Her house is her "safe place" and it seems best not to upset the routine she has there. I'm not sure how well the Air BnB solution will work but I'm hoping it might be the new family tradition and everyone will be happy with it!

freqflyer is correct - that is the solution we had when my mother was showing signs of dementia. we decided she needed to host New Year's Eve and we all brought something to the mix. we called each other and decided on what and who would bring what and it was a fun time. we even brought disposable plates, cups & utensils and we helped mom to clean up.

sometimes taking away their ability to 'host' has some nasty repercussions. you don't want your parents to feel useless. all it takes is a suggestion, "let us each bring something to the table."

When my Mom couldn't stand long periods of time we began to help more and more. She was at first able to make the sides, then it got down to one side, and then eventually we did all the cooking in her home, set the table etc. What really helped was a pre-cooked turkey breast ordered from the local grocery...all we needed to do was heat it up. It is ok to take short cuts, and have the grocery provide some pre-cooked items. That was a tremendous help to us.

Why not just go there and help them?

Thank you

Tell them for whatever reason, we are having dinner at my home an l need your help, an will pick you up....thanks💝

Quilting, how sweet that your parents still wants to continue what sounds like a family tradition. How many usually come to your parent's Thanksgiving Dinner? Could it be pot-luck with each family bringing something to eat?

Could you go to Mom's house and help her with the turkey and maybe a couple side dishes? I realized that is easier said then done.

I know it took some doing to have my parents come to my house, since I hate cooking :P But once the grocery stores started to offer dinners already cooked, it did make it much easier. My Mom offered to do the sweet potatoes at her home and bring them over, so I let her do that, even in her mid 90's she wanted to do something. Dad brought along a bottle of wine.

Are your parents able to get the house, itself, ready for guest? Is cleaning an issue? If so, would Mom accept an one day cleaning service to come in? If cleaning is an issue, I can see having the family dinner elsewhere.

My parents eye-sight had failed so I didn't need to get the house ready like Better Homes and Garden was going to come in and take pictures !!

Is this the first year that your mother won't have done the honours? Or did you take over some time ago, and this idea is therefore purest fantasy?

Tell them for whatever reason, we are having dinner at my home an l need your help, an will pick you up....thanks💝