Follow
Share

Its $4,000 a month and they expect me to provide the Ensure and ice cream that is keeping her alive. She's 92 with Alzheimers. Something seems amiss. They used to try to get her to eat; now they just take the food away and give her the stuff I bring. Their contract says they provide the food for her. She's also been in hospice for months.

First I have to say that if your mom is only paying 4K a month for her care in a facility, that that is quite the deal these days. I've honestly never heard of one being so low.
But that being said, most facilities are understaffed these days, so are you not able to go at least one of the meal times to try and feed her yourself? Or have another family member or friend do it? Or you can ask hospice if they can send a volunteer to assist her at one of her mealtimes.
At least she is drinking her Ensure and eating her ice-cream right? That is better than nothing. And the fact that your mom is now under hospice care with Alzheimer's means that she is dying and probably doesn't need much food anymore anyway.
Do you honestly want your mom to continue to suffer any longer than she has to with this horrific disease of dementia?
If you feel that your mom should get at least one good meal a day, then it may have to be you that goes and feeds it to her, or find someone else that can.
I'm sorry that you'll be losing your mom to this horrific disease.

And I just thought of this true story that one of the caregivers in my support group shared about her mother who had dementia and lived to be 103, and lived on just ice-cream and cashews for the last 5 years of her life.
There could be worse things to live on I'm sure, but I've always said after hearing that story that if I live to be that long that that is what I want for my diet.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to funkygrandma59
Report
Chestershaba3 Jun 9, 2025
No I don't want her to suffer, that's one of the points. Shes dnr etc and getting worse, and she refuses even more when I'm there and gets more agitated. Guess I have to discuss with doctor because forcing her to stay alive on ice cream seems unfair too so they get to collect their "rent".
4k is top dollar where we are and I'm still taking care of 2 homes and "kids". Other family members are too "busy" to acknowledge her existence since she hasn't any money to slather them with anymore. I'm alone, dad died 10 yrs ago.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
I see you have posted a few times since 2022. I saw nothing about why Mom is in Hospice? Just seems she has been in care since at least 2022.

Why is Mom in Hospice? She has Dementia, correct? As said they lose their tastebuds. Sweet they usually will eat. Not sure why they can't give her icecream but Ensure is probably not something they keep on hand so that you have to provide. By law, she can't be made to eat.

You need to talk to the Hospice nurse about you concerns. She can tell you about where she feels Mom is in her journey. Hospice is end of life care. Moms body will start shutting down at some point. First sign, she won't be able to swallow. At this point no food or liquid should be given because her body is shutting down. It does more harm than good because the body can no longer digest food. She will be kept comfortable.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

Your care is relatively "cheap" given today's prices. My brother was paying at his ALF 5,000 a month on level one care, meaning his room and really no assistance whatsoever, self caring, and that was give years ago. Can't imagine what it would be today. Here in SF care, minimally, would start at about 7,000.00 a month.
Food in most places, with some diabetic restrictions and etc. is institutional cooking (think much like you would eat in schools.

So the place to start is with the foundation of knowing that in facility care is not and never will be "perfection". Sadly.
The next thing to understand is that our elders can become a bit "spoiled" in what they eat. My brother loved all things FRESH, and a lot of fresh veggies and fruits. The cooking more went to corn dogs, tho they tried for him with salads, but again, not what he would make himself at home. If your mom awaits your cooking, the food she has come to be used to and love, then as long as YOU are the solution there will be no other solutions.

Elders do overall begin to eat less and less and that she is still eating three meals in 90s is remarkable. I am eating one in 80s.

You should have a discussion with administration, and surely you should look into other care if available, and ask to attend meals while you are exploring, but I do think if your expectations remain high you will be disappointed. If it is kind care, and good care overall you will be so very lucky.

I wish you the best of luck.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report
Chestershaba3 Jun 9, 2025
She's not eating 3 meals She's eating zero meals, they just give Ensure after she shoves the plate away.
(0)
Report
Facilities can't force residents to eat. In my MIL's they couldn't even "withhold" dessert so that she'd eat the healthier main course first. She was in LTC and eventually became too weak, at 89, to feed herself adequately. She was assessed for hospice and passed within the week once it started.

Funkygrandma59 is correct: understaffing is a widespread and unsolveable problem in the US right now for multiple reasons. And I also had a very elderly Aunt with advanced dementia (and barely any teeth) who survived on the same meager and "unhealthy" breakfast, lunch and dinner every day for years until she fell and broke her hip at nearly 101 years old.

I'm sorry for the distress is causing you. Some perspective from other seasoned caregivers on this forum will hopefully help you have more peace about things.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Geaton777
Report

My parent wouldn't eat the facility meals and he wasn't even in the nursing home for a full year before he died. They were gross. I wouldn't eat it either. He'd eat some of what came with the meals like bread and butter, Jell-O or pudding, fruit, cereal, or juice. That was it though. So dinner meals had to be brought.

Many people these days also hire a private caregiver to come on and feed their LO in LTC because that person can take hours to feed someone a meal. Facility aides do not have that kind of time.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to BurntCaregiver
Report

My experience - my daddy would not eat the food either. He wanted what he wanted or he would not eat. I finally found out that it wasn't the food but his taste buds. As we get older our taste bud change and the food does not taste like we want it to. So I would ask him at each meal what do you want to eat and he would say A, B, C, D, E, F, G. and yes it was about 12 different things he wanted on his plate. But he ate. He would not even eat his favorite food that he had eaten and it took me years to perfect! :) So yes the care facility is suppose to provide the food but what is your goal? To keep their strength up or to fight with your loved one? Prayers for you and this situation! <3
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Ohwow323
Report
Chestershaba3 Jun 9, 2025
I wasn't trying to "fight". The point was they aren't trying to help her anymore, they just expect me to keep her fed. I don't live there.
(4)
Report
Just to address the narrow question about you having to provide supplemental food for your mom, if the nutritional drinks were ordered by a doctor or dietician, would the facility have to supply them? My husband had Parkinson's and used to have ensure at home as a supplement to keep his weight up, and because he had slight swallowing difficulties,. One time he was in rehab for a broken hip, and I asked them about providing him with the ensure, even though he was eating well on a normal diet, just to get in the calories he needed. They said if it was ordered they would provide it, and they did. However, I'm not sure you could get a doctor or dietician order for ice cream!
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to newbiewife
Report

My Mom who is not on hospice and still has a good appetite, refuses most meals at her ALF. So I either bring her home cooking for lunch or take her out. I can't say I really blame her for not liking it. But we are paying $5,000 a month. Taste buds change with dementia, so people prefer sweeter or saltier foods that are usually not in adherence to institutional cooking.

Also at the end of life, refusing to eat is very natural, but difficult to witness.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Christine0819
Report

Talk to the Hospice staff. A nutritional drink can be used as a meal replacement. My hubby on Hospice is diabetic. He drinks at least 1 glucerna if he refuses food. I had to do that yesterday.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to JanPeck123
Report

Mom's care was $6,500 per month and she pushed her food away, too! I would bring her favorite foods just so she would eat something...anything! We can't control their appetite. We have to accept that they don't have any energy that needs to be fed,they're not burning any calories,they don't need to, they're getting ready to leave this world.
This anger you are feeling is called denial, we don't want it to happen, no one does but we can't change the course they're on. If your mother has a church or if hospice offers a clergy, it's time to turn to them. I prayed with the priest and mom who was very happy to see him. Not only was she comforted but so was I! Knowing that she was happy is all that mattered and that left no room for grief!
I didn't even cry at her funeral, I accepted that it was her time and she no longer suffered. I bawled a year later at a memorial service and that was because I missed her and felt sorry for myself. I'm not a very religious person but mom was,I respected her for praying for us and there's nothing more we can do but let them go and be the person they raised us to be. I'm really sorry you're going through this trying time, it really hurts! Think about how you don't have to watch her suffer anymore and be happy for her. It's time to think about last rites and forgiveness for her soul,even if it's months,weeks or days away. Give her the peace and contentment she needs right now.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to JuliaH
Report
chestershaba Jun 17, 2025
Thanks the problem is I think maybe they stuff her w junk to jeep her alive to get their money. I guess I have to talk to more folks. Problem is last time I asked hospice nurse SHE gave her 3 weeks to live. That was 3 months ago. So no one knows. .
(0)
Report
See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter