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I moved my mom from Florida to Boise, Idaho, at the end of July because she has COPD and mobility problems and just wasn’t doing well on her own. I rented a townhouse for her 2 miles from my home so I can visit daily and get her to doctors’ appointments etc. Upon arrival, my formerly fiercely independent mother basically turned all control of her daily life and finances over to me and is apparently happy for me to take care of everything, from cleaning up her every piece of garbage (despite the fact that I have put multiple trash cans within her reach throughout every room) to handling major medical decisions. EXCEPT that she refuses to bathe. She even lies to me and says she has bathed when she hasn’t (no, she doesn’t have dementia). I have tried everything. I am already at the point where I plan to hire someone to help with the cleaning because the stress is taking a toll on my health. But she refuses to consider a home health aide for bathing and simply shuts down every conversation I try to have with her about bathing. Please help - any suggestions?

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68 is way too young for your mother to be causing THIS many problems!!! I'm with Ahmijoy..........she either shapes up or you ship her off to Assisted Living where everything can be done for her at a very high price.

Refusing to bathe WILL become YOUR problem one of these days as she develops UTIs as a result. Then you'll be schlepping her off to doctor's offices and getting her prescriptions, etc. If she continues to behave as an invalid, ALL of her issues (real or imagined) WILL become your issues because who ELSE is going to deal with them?

That's the problem in a nutshell.

So have that Come to Jesus meeting with her right away and see where she's at with all of this. For her to heap this burden onto your shoulders is unfair and ridiculous, in my opinion. I'm 62 years old and the very thought of doing such a thing to either of my children is unthinkable! Force her to take some responsibility for herself or YOU will be forced to place her in a facility.

Best of luck!
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AmieMcCl Nov 2019
Thank you for confirming that my complaints are reasonable, and I'm not just being an ungrateful daughter! I think part of the problem is that while she was en route here, my mom had a setback and had to be hospitalized for a week. So when she finally arrived, she was not in good shape and truly did need help with everyday tasks. But soon after, I think she just got accustomed to me doing everything for her and now expects it. So yes - I need to put my foot down. Thank you for the advice!
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She might be afraid of falling in the shower or bath. She might need help, but is too embarrassed to be helped with intimate care. When I lived with my mom I would run the bath water for her, then tell her it was ready. She didn't want to waste the water, so would bathe. I would stay outside the door. She had hand rails and grab bars and a no slip pad in the tub and on the floor. She didn't like that I was telling her what to do, but I insisted on it anyway. As for cleaning the house, maybe if you don't do it she will.
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AmieMcCl Nov 2019
I have her bathroom set up with all the safety equipment and have also offered to help and/or wait outside the door in case she needs help. As for the cleaning, I wish! My husband, brother, and I spent a week cleaning and packing up her entire house in Florida to move her here, and believe me, she doesn't care about whether she's living with garbage. Ugh.
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Was your mom on board with the move? I ask this because she may have decided since she had to leave her home in Florida so you could care for her, she’s going to let you do exactly that. She will let you do everything for her. She may feel that you moved her because you felt she was helpless, so...she’s going to be. And, as long as you continue to do so, she’ll accept it. Maybe time to put your foot down? If she wants to live with dirty dishes and garbage, let her. Sign her up for auto-pay on her bills so all you need to do is keep an eye on her bills, not write checks or run to her bank. Get her a microwave and some freezer meals and show her how to use it. And if she doesn’t, well, then she goes hungry. As for the bathing, she has to live with herself. The only issue is with personal hygiene. Also, ask her if she is afraid to bathe or shower when she’s alone. It may be that she’s afraid of falling or passing out. I am. Make certain her bathroom has hand rails and grab bars. Not being clean “down there” can foster urinary tract infections. May be time for a “come to Jesus” talk as we say here. Either she shapes up or you start looking for facilities where they’ll take care of her like the invalid she’s acting like.
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AmieMcCl Nov 2019
She was on board with the move. She wasn't happy to face the reality that it was time for her to be closer to family and that she needed some help (she didn't have anyone in Florida, and none of my other siblings are in a position to help). But I definitely didn't force her to move here. The day before she moved, she was put on oxygen therapy, and then she was hospitalized during her trip here (see above response), so I guess in her mind having to use oxygen 24/7 makes her an invalid. As for being afraid of falling in the shower, she has used that excuse even though I have made sure she has the hand rails, shower seat, etc. AND have offered to help her do it and/or wait outside the bathroom door in case she decides she needs help. Now her excuse is "it's just too cold." At other times her excuse has been "it's too hard" on her and she can't catch her breath. I explained that if she let me help, we could get it done quickly and with the least amount of stress on her as possible. Nope!
I am ready to have the come to Jesus talk with her. Thanks for your advice!
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