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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mom on hospice is in nursing home. She is dying. When I left from visiting, she told me to not come back. I think she doesn’t want me to see her death.
Think back...did she have any choice about you coming into the world at delivery?
I agree with respecting her wishes, however, on second thought, this is a relationship for the two of you.
You could go quietly, stay only for 10-30 minutes, tell her you forgot she said that, and you wanted to see her one more time. Or, like others have said, stay quietly in the background. What you yourself need to do. I am sure you will be respectful.
This is just one perspective. If someone told me not to come back, I would not go back. But even then, who will bury her, go to a memorial for her.
I do regret not being with my Dad when he died in the E.R. Wishing I was there, not anyone's fault. I would have wanted to hug him goodbye. But it was about him, his wishes maybe.
Sorry for the loss of your Mom, as she has said goodbye.
Were you hurt by her words to you, not to come back?
I agree with many here that dying is a private matter. I hope I'll be spared a gathering of people around me when I pass. If conscious, I'd want to be paying attention to what they say, since I'm curious anyway. Or if unconscious, I'll want to stay unconscious, which, generally speaking from my past experience, is a good way to be.
Dying is something we only experience once in a lifetime. I want to experience it alone, undistracted, and to the max. I felt the same way about childbirth. I didn't get my wish - I needed a medical team for sure - and my takeaway? IT HURT LIKE HELL. Dying must be better.
You can quietly visit. Peek in on her, she does not need to know you are there. If she is on Hospice most if not all Hospice will have a program where a Volunteer that has been trained in Vigil Visits will be there with her. She can request this or you could.
the Hospice Nurse told me that dying is a private matter and many people will wait until loved ones have left the room, or the dying person will ask someone to go get water or something for them. Once everyone is gone they will die.
It is also possible that mom wants you to make this decision yours and she is giving you "permission" not to return. But if she truly meant it the Nurse can tell you when she is "actively dying" and you could visit up to that point in time.
There is no "right or wrong" for so many years people were in Hospitals with strict visiting hours that many died with no family with them. The same with many facilities they really discouraged family from extending hours so again many residents died after family went home.
Give Mom the respect, and follow her request. Sounds like she needs to prepare to reflect and get ready for her next journey.
Detachment from a dying person's surroundings and people is the norm. Please do not take this personally. This is part of the dying process.
I had a client who was declining in hospice and she asked me to let her be. I did and would occasionally check in on her quietly. Finally, towards the end of the shift, I offered her a cookie since she had refused food all day. She asked for water as well. I had her the following day and she had perked up quite a bit. She died two weeks later.
Animals go away to die. They go where there is peace and quiet. We found our cat in a cupboard in a room that was barely used. My Aunts dog went into the woods where they lived and never came back. My Mom passed 20 min after we left her NH. My Dad passed at night in his sleep.
We are mammals just like these animals. Maybe we too want to die alone, but our family feels they need to be there. Dying is a personal experience that can't be shared.
Nette, isn't this moms default? When she isn't happy she tells you and the grands to stay away.
I would encourage you to do what you can live with. Mom doesn't have to live with the fallout and you do, so whatever you do, do for you. Even if you don't actually let her know you are there, it is a good idea to make sure the staff knows you are around, it does make a difference in the care a patient receives.
I am sorry you are facing her death and she is still just being herself. Desiring and getting death bed reconciliation is not how the movies portray it; at all. Those left behind often mourn what could have been as much as the loss of the loved one.
May The Lord give you strength, guidance and comfort during this difficult time.
You have posted this under dementia. I am so sorry, but I am glad mom is in hospice. Now, more than ever, what your mom says means little in the moment. Not only is there the underlying disease, but there is also exhaustion, medications, breathing issues that mean more confusion for the brain.
It could also be that you are engaging mom a bit too much, as well, and it is making her long for quiet. If she is a believer you might read her the bible, a book you know she loved as a child, any peaceful and gentle book. The murmuring cadence of reading is very calming to people, usually, in latter days. Or simply sit and quietly hold her hand, play her music.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
And this is sad losing her.
Think back...did she have any choice about you coming into the world at delivery?
I agree with respecting her wishes, however, on second thought, this is a relationship for the two of you.
You could go quietly, stay only for 10-30 minutes, tell her you forgot she said that, and you wanted to see her one more time. Or, like others have said, stay quietly in the background. What you yourself need to do. I am sure you will be respectful.
This is just one perspective. If someone told me not to come back, I would not go back. But even then, who will bury her, go to a memorial for her.
I do regret not being with my Dad when he died in the E.R. Wishing I was there, not anyone's fault. I would have wanted to hug him goodbye. But it was about him, his wishes maybe.
Sorry for the loss of your Mom, as she has said goodbye.
Were you hurt by her words to you, not to come back?
I agree with many here that dying is a private matter. I hope I'll be spared a gathering of people around me when I pass. If conscious, I'd want to be paying attention to what they say, since I'm curious anyway. Or if unconscious, I'll want to stay unconscious, which, generally speaking from my past experience, is a good way to be.
Dying is something we only experience once in a lifetime. I want to experience it alone, undistracted, and to the max. I felt the same way about childbirth. I didn't get my wish - I needed a medical team for sure - and my takeaway? IT HURT LIKE HELL. Dying must be better.
If she is on Hospice most if not all Hospice will have a program where a Volunteer that has been trained in Vigil Visits will be there with her. She can request this or you could.
the Hospice Nurse told me that dying is a private matter and many people will wait until loved ones have left the room, or the dying person will ask someone to go get water or something for them. Once everyone is gone they will die.
It is also possible that mom wants you to make this decision yours and she is giving you "permission" not to return.
But if she truly meant it the Nurse can tell you when she is "actively dying" and you could visit up to that point in time.
There is no "right or wrong" for so many years people were in Hospitals with strict visiting hours that many died with no family with them. The same with many facilities they really discouraged family from extending hours so again many residents died after family went home.
Detachment from a dying person's surroundings and people is the norm. Please do not take this personally. This is part of the dying process.
I had a client who was declining in hospice and she asked me to let her be. I did and would occasionally check in on her quietly. Finally, towards the end of the shift, I offered her a cookie since she had refused food all day. She asked for water as well. I had her the following day and she had perked up quite a bit. She died two weeks later.
They pick the time when they are ready.
We are mammals just like these animals. Maybe we too want to die alone, but our family feels they need to be there. Dying is a personal experience that can't be shared.
I would encourage you to do what you can live with. Mom doesn't have to live with the fallout and you do, so whatever you do, do for you. Even if you don't actually let her know you are there, it is a good idea to make sure the staff knows you are around, it does make a difference in the care a patient receives.
I am sorry you are facing her death and she is still just being herself. Desiring and getting death bed reconciliation is not how the movies portray it; at all. Those left behind often mourn what could have been as much as the loss of the loved one.
May The Lord give you strength, guidance and comfort during this difficult time.
I am so sorry, but I am glad mom is in hospice.
Now, more than ever, what your mom says means little in the moment. Not only is there the underlying disease, but there is also exhaustion, medications, breathing issues that mean more confusion for the brain.
It could also be that you are engaging mom a bit too much, as well, and it is making her long for quiet. If she is a believer you might read her the bible, a book you know she loved as a child, any peaceful and gentle book. The murmuring cadence of reading is very calming to people, usually, in latter days. Or simply sit and quietly hold her hand, play her music.