Most people really don't understand dementia or the mechanisms of how it works and progresses. Or how the mind gets paranoid and starts making absurd accusations against loved ones or how they can even get violent when they've always been pussy cats. While most people want to 'age in place' at home and hire help, the reality of such a thing often becomes impossible once the dementia reaches new heights of destruction and chaos. Your poor father is 96 years old and in no position to really deal with a wife who's suffering this level of dementia because who knows what's coming next? Today he's 'stealing from her'; tomorrow he may be 'cheating on her' which means she 'should stab him with the kitchen knife', God forbid. A broken brain means anything is possible. She may decide she lives down the street, leave the house at 2 am, fall down in the street or worse yet, wander away and be found in a ditch somewhere. Not to scare you, but THESE are sometimes the realities of dementia.
And why Memory Care ALs are popping up like flowers on every other street corner in America. Because teams of caregivers are needed to care for these residents 24/7; not a 'man who cooks' and a 96 year old spouse who's in need of help with daily life himself.
Don't wait for a catastrophe to strike. Look into managed care for both of your folks now, before something awful happens to one or both of them. The cook quitting is the least of your problems. You're not going to be able to convince mom that dad and the cook are NOT stealing from her, or doing whatever other nasty thing she thinks they're doing, which is subject to change, so don't bother trying. Speak to her doctor about anti-agitation medication to see if that's a possibility. It often doesn't work, but sometimes it does. Your best bet is seeing if you can get them placed into managed care so they can still live together (maybe) until mom gets advanced enough where they can't. Then she moves into Memory Care and dad stays in AL and goes to visit her daily. The ideal facility is Assisted Living with Memory Care attached.
After my 90 y/o father fell and broke his hip, I had to move both of my folks out of Independent Senior living and into Assisted Living under crisis conditions. So I had to set up a whole new apt for dad while mom already had one! It was tough but it got done and they were able to live together in AL until dad died. Now mom lives in Memory Care at 95 years old.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
If she's fixated on the cook in this way, the cook will probably quit. Most people would.
If she is acting this way toward one person, perhaps they can be replaced. But if this is a pattern among aides, sit Dad down and tell him that living at home with 1 to 1 aide help isn't going to work if she keeps running people off.
Thank you! Great advice. She still has moments of lucidity. So I could sit her and dad down and say this is it we’ve got to do something else. Thank you so much again.
Ditto to what againx100 commented. Also, if the cook is willing to continue to provide services, then you will need to get the cook and your dad on board with a strategy when your mom starts accusing.
I think I would have the cook call your dad over and tell him to please distract/redirect his wife to a different room to "search" for the item and then in the process move her ming on to another train of thought or an activity, like folding kitchen towels/laundry or sorting something. If there is no buffer between your mom and the cook, then I feel sorry for the cook and this will make his job more difficult. You'll have to decide how it goes with your dad running interference.
It is very common for people with dementia to accuse others of stealing from them. There is really nothing you can do about it. You can explain this to the cook. Is he very upset about it? Hopefully you won't lose him due to this.
It does sound like (from your profile) that your parents conditions are getting rather advanced and probably difficult to manage at home. I would look into an assisted living facility for them. They are just going to need more and more help.
And why Memory Care ALs are popping up like flowers on every other street corner in America. Because teams of caregivers are needed to care for these residents 24/7; not a 'man who cooks' and a 96 year old spouse who's in need of help with daily life himself.
Don't wait for a catastrophe to strike. Look into managed care for both of your folks now, before something awful happens to one or both of them. The cook quitting is the least of your problems. You're not going to be able to convince mom that dad and the cook are NOT stealing from her, or doing whatever other nasty thing she thinks they're doing, which is subject to change, so don't bother trying. Speak to her doctor about anti-agitation medication to see if that's a possibility. It often doesn't work, but sometimes it does. Your best bet is seeing if you can get them placed into managed care so they can still live together (maybe) until mom gets advanced enough where they can't. Then she moves into Memory Care and dad stays in AL and goes to visit her daily. The ideal facility is Assisted Living with Memory Care attached.
After my 90 y/o father fell and broke his hip, I had to move both of my folks out of Independent Senior living and into Assisted Living under crisis conditions. So I had to set up a whole new apt for dad while mom already had one! It was tough but it got done and they were able to live together in AL until dad died. Now mom lives in Memory Care at 95 years old.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
If she is acting this way toward one person, perhaps they can be replaced. But if this is a pattern among aides, sit Dad down and tell him that living at home with 1 to 1 aide help isn't going to work if she keeps running people off.
I think I would have the cook call your dad over and tell him to please distract/redirect his wife to a different room to "search" for the item and then in the process move her ming on to another train of thought or an activity, like folding kitchen towels/laundry or sorting something. If there is no buffer between your mom and the cook, then I feel sorry for the cook and this will make his job more difficult. You'll have to decide how it goes with your dad running interference.
It does sound like (from your profile) that your parents conditions are getting rather advanced and probably difficult to manage at home. I would look into an assisted living facility for them. They are just going to need more and more help.