If my Mom really wants to go to another facility for long term care, do I call them ahead of time? Are there waiting lists? I don't know how long she'll be in rehab but they have so much more and it's a great place to live. I'm hoping she'll like it enough to stay. I'm just afraid that she won't have a place to go after rehab and the Dr. said she can't live independently anymore. She just got there yesterday so I haven't talked to anyone there yet. If my Mom is determined I don't know what to do.

If she wants to go some place else, she can pull it all together.

If you jump through all the hoops and get her moved, what are you going to do when she decides that it isn't what she thought and now she wants to move again and again and again?

Sometimes I think this is a very active way of denying they are in LTC. Because it's not really long term if you are moving frequently.

I would definitely tell her she is able to do whatever she wants but, she will be doing it without your assistance. She does it all, you only visit and advocate where she is, wherever that might be.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
AimeeB Jan 24, 2022
"Sometimes I think this is a very active way of denying they are in LTC. Because it's not really long term if you are moving frequently."

Wow, I had never thought of this, but it rings so true!
Is there something in particular that your mother doesn't like about the place? Like maybe some of the staff or other patients?
It could be that she doesn't want to be in any care facility and thinks she should be living with you. So by being increasingly stubborn with you about the care facility it will result in you taking her to live with in your home.
Elderly people also get afraid when they have to go to rehab or when they hear talk of long-term care because it usually means they're in the "nursing home" for good. It's usually true most of the time.
You could start calling different facilities, and yes there are waiting lists for places. Your mother has to be told this truth. If she gives up her place where she is now it could result in her being placed in a lesser quality facility when her rehab is finished. The rehab facility is not going to let her stay there until a perfect place for her is found. They will either move her to whatever LTC has a bed available, or they will send her to the hospital and they will find a bed for her somewhere.
If the place she's at now is decent and they have LTC then leave her there. You can always look into different facilities but there's no hurry if she has a permanent place to stay. Please make yourself very clear to her that she will not be living with you. That I think may be very close to the problem of why she's being stubborn about finding a different facility.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver

Laura, take a deep breath.

Your mom will be in rehab for a bit, so as CountryMouse says, give her a chance to get settled.

Tell us why she was in the hospital; it will help us guide you better.

Please remember that you are not responsible for finding her "a different place" just because she mentions it. Your mother can speak to the social worker at the rehab and ask for help with that.

Don't jump through hoops.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn

Lets get real here your mom probably wants to go home and not stay in a long term care facility. She will not be happy anywhere. If she is in a decent place I would keep her there.

What exactly doesn't she like about the current place?
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Reply to sp19690

She got there yesterday?! - crumbs, give yourself a chance!

Where/what is the "somewhere else" that your mother is talking about, and what was she in hospital for? How long is she expected to remain in rehab?

You are worrying about this much too soon. Nothing terrible will happen if you don't sign your mother into the long term unit by this afternoon.
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Reply to Countrymouse

I went through this two years ago with my then 91-year-old mother with dementia. I am the only living child. I lived 4 hours away.
Ask how long she will be in rehab?
Will she need SN or AL or MC?
Years ago, after surgery mom was in for three months. The last time 10 days for dehydration. Her doctor said she could not live alone. She would not need nursing care after rehab.
Will she need Medicaid at some point?
I am the POA and we had all the necessary papers in place from years ago. I got options from friends and talked to an elder care attorney who did Medicaid applications. He gave us his top three choices. We chose one that had assisted living, memory care, skilled nursing care, and a rehab unit and some Medicaid beds in case it was needed. It is 8 miles away. She fell and broke her hip and had to go to rehab, got better and was back in her room in 6 weeks with PT a couple of times a week. Mom wants to go home, we tell her as soon as the doctor says it is ok probably just a couple of days. It has been two years but to her she just got there yesterday. She says the place in clean and nurses are nice.
She is doing better than she has in years because she gets her meds, meals and social interaction. Good Luck.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Caregiver1955

Sometimes what allows all of us to thrive- a whole body, a whole mind, a network of acquaintances (built up through kids, work, hobbies, church), the ability to reach out and make new friends, flexibility— is much harder to provide for the elderly, and so there’s a sense of discontent no matter how nice the place is. No ones’s fault, really, but unless you have the money or the time to provide them with one on one engagement it’s hard to overcome some of the barriers that aging puts in place.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to ElizabethY
AimeeB Jan 24, 2022
This is a beautifully written reminder of the painful truth behind so many of the issues and questions we are all confronting as our loved ones (and we, ourselves) age.

I've sent it to myself in an email so I can have these words on hand to restore compassion when I feel frustrated and out of patience.

Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts.
Is mom competent? What was she in the hospital for? Regardless of where she goes she won't like it. Stand back, relax, give it a few days. She may not change her mind.

Stepdad was sent to rehab following a knee revision. I didn't like the place, he was not picky about it. Problems with care did come up after a few days, serious problems. I made calls to find a place with availability and he was moved. That was a much better situation. So, yes it you want to move her, you do the research and arrange for the move. I will not happen overnight. It takes research and planning.

Make a few calls today so you find out about availability. It will be impossible to find out much or tour over the weekend.
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Reply to gladimhere

I would give her a little more time to adjust in the place where she is now but, in the mean time, call and visit a few places that might be options. We had very little notice from the rehab facility to move my mom to LTC. It’s good to have another place in mind as a back up.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Lov2teach

Its too soon, she hasn't had enough time to adjust to the place she is and she will have the same situation no matter where. If she doesn't have memory problems, just give it some time. And yes, some places have a waiting list, many don't. The better places may be more likely to have a waiting list.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Rick10

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