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My Mom and I were having lunch yesterday and I told her that I had recently joined this forum. When I explained what it was about and the question and answer bit of it she wanted me to pose this question: are any adult children who are providing care for a parent receiving pay by the parent for doing so and, if so, how much? That floored me! For the last four years I have been doing pretty much everything for my mom except feeding her. She cannot stand or walk unaided, cannot bathe or wash and set her hair, shop, cook, etc. (Y’all get the idea here.). She will be 90 soon and lives with my 68 year old brother who is mentally handicapped. So, I’m caring for him quite a bit also. Regardless, this really surprised me because the thought of receiving money for doing these things had not once entered my mind. However, I know she’ll be asking me if I’ve received any answers. There are four of us kids and I am the only one who provides care. If anyone here is being paid and has siblings, has it caused any problems with them for you? Although my mom is not a millionaire, she is financially comfortable. The fact is, so are her children. None of us are swimming in cash by any means but, we are all retired, receiving pensions and living within our means. We are very blessed in that regard. I have no intention of taking money from my mom but, like I mentioned above, she’ll be asking if I received any answers. So, thanks in advance, to those who reply!

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Heysilky - both my mother and sister have NPD, so I understand. That said, it doesn't matter one bit if your sister gets mad about you receiving money. Just go on doing what you're doing, and if your mom wants to pay you and you get it all set up, fine. Unless your mom tells your sister, then sis doesn't even need to know about it. It's not her money. My life became much simpler when I completely stopped caring about what my family did or didn't get mad about - because the reality with NPDs is that they get mad about EVERYTHING!

Best of luck with your situation.
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CTTN55, because my sister has narcissistic personality disorder. She’s proud of it too. Because she believes she’s the only person who matters there’s absolutely no talking to her. I’ve tried more times than I should have and it’s cost me a relationship with her. Not having a (toxic) relationship with her has been great for me but it does upset my mom. In order for me to provide the care, and love, my mom deserves, the subject regarding my sister’s lack of help is futile. It’s never going to happen. It’d be like telling someone with diabetes to stop having it. *sigh*
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heysilky: "Besides, her other daughter would positively stroke out if any of her siblings got a penny more than she’d get. Sad but true." And...? Is this the reason you won't take any money from your mother for taking care of her? Why doesn't your sister help? How can she possibly think it's right that you do all the work and don't get compensated?
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YES you are a Good daughter and deserve a little compensation, it's OK you do a lot and you will have to do even more as time goes on then you will have to care for your brother as well ...if you feel guilty takeing money save it for something special, maybe for one of your kids, or something to help them with college ,or a car ,at least use some money to pay car insurance, gas money , you are doing the care and no one else .I say yes if you don't take it, a nursing home won't mind!I'm sure your alot less to pay than a nursing home.
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I firmly believe that all elders should have the dignity of paying their own way, to the extent that they can.

Especially when there are siblings, I believe that the only way that inheritance, if any, can be "fair" is for the ones who do the caring to get paid for it while they are doing it.
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Early on my sister and I helped out with mom (and step dad) for 4-6 hours a day. We did not get paid for any of that, nor did we expect it. We did that for about 6 years. When mom got worse and my step dad could no longer care for her without someone else there (she fell and he couldn't get her up), I was able to go part-time at work, and work mostly remotely. My step dad said he would gift me the balance of my salary. My mom's retirement is more than my entire salary so it is easy for them to do. If you figured out how much I am getting hourly, it would be funny, but it does keep me at the same level of pay as I had been. This was necessary since my husband is retired. My siblings are fine with this arrangement... They cannot care for mom.
I works for us.
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Heysilky, just be aware that your caregiving may go on for years and years. I was the sole caregiver for both my mom and dad and that spanned 15 years with them near me and another couple of years before that where I'd have to drop everything and drive the 200 miles to where they were. I wasn't paid for that time (and it was EXTENSIVE) but my brother was considerate enough to take himself out of the will so that I got their estate when they both passed. If we had divided the estate equally, I'd have been pretty ticked.

While I wouldn't have changed my caregiving role for anything, it negatively impacted my life in some pretty important ways over that 17 years. So don't be too quick to reject the idea of getting paid. As your mom ages, her needs will only increase. And if you're doing all of the work and making all of the sacrifices, it makes sense for you to get some kind of compensation for it.
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Thanks for y’all’s suggestions; they’re very much appreciated! Yes, I haven’t been on this site long (not even a full week) but from what I’ve read so far on this topic it sounds like way too much work and I have way too much of that now. And complicated, whew! Besides, her other daughter would positively stroke out if any of her siblings got a penny more than she’d get. Sad but true. I would like to add that I think this is a great website and major kudos to all of you who do the things you do as a caregiver. I know every situation is different and there isn’t always a sure fire ready made correct answer. But the encouraging words, helpful advice and insight that so many of you have is very comforting. Thanks again, so much!
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heysilky, the way I look at it, if your Mom wants to pay you for being her caregiver, go for it... it will make her feel better about this situation. You would need to draw up a Caregiver's contract. There is a sample in this article https://www.agingcare.com/articles/personal-care-agreements-compensate-family-caregivers-181562.htm

As for the payroll taxes, your Mom could hire a company that does this type of work. The company will take out the required payroll taxes and mail you a check [or direct deposit]. Mom would need to pay a fee for this work. Since all of this is for her care, Medicaid should accept this as being ok.... but to be safe check with them first.... or hire an Elder Law Attorney for advice.
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I think adult children should be compensated for elder caregiving. You are doing an awful lot for your mother. Do you enjoy it?

Others are correct in that there needs to be a legal care contract with scrupulous recordkeeping to comply with Medicaid and the 5-year lookback period.

I have drawn my line in the sand very clearly regarding my mother and what I will do for her. I would be willing to do more for pay (and I will demand $20/hour), but I know she will never pay me. I was screamed at and told I was "not right in the head" the last time I mentioned what a private caregiver would have cost for what I did for free when she was nearly helpless for just over a week.

(I have put my brothers on notice that I will NOT subject myself to that again, and that they can come down and take care of her or they can hire her private caregivers if it happens again.)

I don't like the Dummy Daughter Driver position I've been forced into, because I am the only local child. She refuses to listen to reason, and her reasoning is definitely going. So I maintain my distance as much as possible. I know she is starved for socialization, but that is not my problem, since she insists on living alone.
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It should also be mentioned that it is a little more complicated that simply slipping you a little money every week, you need to consider that Medicaid and their 5 year look back may come into play in the future so there needs to be a legal care contract and scrupulous records must be kept.
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My joint POA siblings eventually got round to considering that it might be appropriate to compensate me for my time. I was grateful, genuinely, because they weren't obliged to; and I was also amused both by how protracted their discussion was and by the figure they came up with. Which was still a lot better than nothing, even if it didn't come close to minimum wage or anything fancy like that. I'm not complaining, or not about that anyway :)

So... In principle, there is NOTHING wrong with accepting money from your mother to compensate you for, for example, your loss of earnings, your time off work, restrictions on things like paying into a pension or seeking promotion. And I am most impressed that she has given thought to a subject that many families, not just elders, overlook.

As long as she is clear about what she wants to do, and as long as she works out a figure that relates to something real (it could be going rates for housekeepers/caregivers/drivers/home helps, or it could be some proportion of your previous hourly rate in your real job, or a combination of the two, for example), then there is no reason for either of you to feel awkward about doing this and nothing at all for your siblings to object to. And if they DO object, perhaps they'd like to think how much these services would cost in the open market?

Be transparent, and be practical, and let us know how you get on.
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You can't have been reading the forum very long, getting paid is one of the most popular topics! There are those who will berate you for even thinking about it because "your parents cared for you for 18 years and you owe them" 🙄, but I firmly believe that anyone doing hands on care should be paid, especially if they are doing more than their other siblings. How much? Well, that is dependent upon each situation - how much care is needed, how much the caregiver has given up in order to do what they do, and how much the care receiver can afford. Start by figuring out what she would be paying outsiders to do what you do (you may be shocked at how large the figure) and go from there.
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