My mom wants to go home. Any suggestions?

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Hi Everyone, of course she wants to home, I am her only daughter, I'm the POA, she doesn't have dementia she has MS, she is only 75, she has a beautiful house in Montana, she has used all the caregivers that is in the area, fired them all.


In December 2017 she fell and was placed in rehab for two months, by the end of February I had her transferred to Seattle as so I could keep an eye on things, I've had her in assisted living for a month, she needs way more care for an AL, so now I moved her to an AFH, I looked at at least 10 of them but feel I've found a good one, long story short, she's going to hate every place she goes, complains all the time, I'm losing my marbles, she has a boyfriend at home, who is my age, he's offered to care for her, but he's only wants her money in my opinion,


today I had her transfer money into her account as the bills are many, they are her bills, she's lucky to have funds, but that won't last at this "medical rate", she and her "boyfriend" have been texting talking about her coming home, she needs to sell her house, today she said I'm not selling the house, wants to go home and be done with all this. She can not walk, she's incontinent, can't change herself, can't dress herself, can't cook for herself, but then the so called bf wants her home. This is not what's best for her, but what can I do? Get her a hospital bed, a hover lift, rebuild her massive bathroom into a walk in shower, get her a rolling shower chair, and tell her bf here have at it? The doctors in MT suck, but finding out they suck here as well, this is so frustrating, any suggestions?

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Is AFH a foster home? I haven't heard that term and probably other members could use an explanation, too.

How long has she been with this BF? Why do you think he is just exploiting her? (Not that I think he isn't, just that I'd like to hear the evidence.)

From her point of view, MS has taken control over many aspects of her life. Now her daughter wants to remove even more control. You are frustrated and so is she, no doubt.

Unless/until she is declared incompetent to make her own decisions by a court, she can go back to her home anytime she can arrange it. You cannot force the sale of her lovely home. You cannot kick the BF out.

I like 97yroldmom's idea of negotiating. In exchange for certain conditions, you will enable her to move back to her home. The conditions might include things like she hires certain kinds of outside help, so BF doesn't burn out. She agrees to have certain equipment installed, like a hover lift. She has her bathroom remodeled. Whatever you think will make her life more pleasant and safe.

Let's say that where she is is in her best interest, in your opinion. Let's say that in the AFH she will live 2 years longer than if she went home. But very possibly, with MS, living longer isn't really her goal. Living as much as she can under her own control might be higher on her list.

She is legally competent. I think your choices are to agree to help her get what she wants so that you can at least have some influence over the situation, or refuse to help her, knowing that if she can find a way to get some help (BF?) she can go against your wishes anyway, and knowing that she is extremely angry about this situation.

I suggest reading "Being Mortal" by Dr. Atul Gawande. It addresses quality of life at the end of one's life. It can be quite an eye-opener.
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Can you negotiate? Legally she can probably go home anyway as she isn’t incompetent. With your help it would be easier. Perhaps get a certified elder attorney to set up her estate for protection and maximum benefit. Figure out what the magic condition or circumstance would be where she has to sell her home and be in a home.
Perhaps BF takes a CNA course?? Too much? Just think outside the box a bit on what might make it work for her to go home. If the BF balks then she knows sooner rather than later.
Does he work?
Perhaps a certain amount of money has to be reserved for her to return to Seattle for if and when things go south.
She’s been dealt a rough hand and you too. I hope you can work it out. Hugs
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