My mom is 72 years old. She is divorced and lives alone in a senior apartment. She has a myriad of issues but one of them is that she calls me crying, saying she is going to run out of money. She says she needs to make my dad give her more. She'll say things like "I really don't want to have to live with you" (she can't and I have told her that). She lives in a 2 bedroom and has a storage room. I have tried repeatedly to talk her into a one bedroom and no storage. It would save her $300 a month in rent. She lies and says it won't. I spoke with the building manager; it will.
She refuses to let me see her finances. She just keeps crying. Twice now she has told me she needs my dad to just die so she can have all their retirement. This feels cruel. I'm not sure exactly what she gets monthly, but I know it's at least $4,600. I know she has to pay taxes but is this enough? She lives in a small city in Ohio. Her rent in $1900 and includes all utilities.
I don't know what to say to her when she cries that she is going to be homeless. When I ask to see her finances so I can help, she insists she has cut everything she can cut.
She's the kind of mom who does things like text me on my anniversary with "Happy Anniversary. You are old. Now you have to take care of me." And constantly says "Now, take care of your mother" which means wait on her hand and foot when I am anywhere near her vicinity. I was cleaning her house on Saturday and she barked at me 4 times to get her some water. I kept telling her to give me a moment. She could have walked over to the kitchen and gotten it herself. But when I am around, she suddenly loses the ability to do anything.
I'm getting off topic here. She doesn't ask me for money. She doesn't even hint at it. But she drives me berserk with this crying because I always feel so awful for her. I know she hates being divorced. I know she HATES being alone. But...what can I do?
And you seem to be enmeshed or codependent with her. If you aren't seeing a therapist to figure out boundaries, then you should start. If you are already in therapy -- find a new therapist.
Stop entertaining your Mom's calls or listening to her obvious manipulations and lies. You aren't responsible for her happiness. You didn't cause her problems and you can't fix them. You should not set yourself on fire to keep her warm, which is what is happening. Don't you have your own life that doesn't center around her? If not, don't you want one?
The next time she calls you up crying, tell her you will call APS and they will help her. Then hang up and do it. If you do this consistently she may eventually stop trying to manipulate you.
"..she hates being divorced. I know she HATES being alone. But...what can I do?"
Her being a manipulator is what caused her to be divorced and alone. Your Dad figured out a strong boundary to get away from her. So should you. You can/should do NOTHING other than this.
My mom is divorced because my dad is a jerk who cheats on his wives and then leaves. He is on his 3rd wife. My dad cheated on my mother numerous times. He was cruel to her. And he is also insane. He just has a wife, so I dont have to take care of him. At least for now. She told me he is pushing her to the edge. He urinates in a container in the garage and makes her dump it out. He steals her benzos and takes them, on top of his own. She has also admitted, several years ago, that he hit her. But he is a frail 125lbs now, so he hasnt got much power in that area. But he will scream at her and makes her life miserable.
It's not up to you to fix this, and it's none of your business. She's a grownup. I'd be really curious about what she's spending $2700 a month on, since that's what's left over after she pays $1900 for rent including utilities. With that, she could at least pay someone to clean her house.
What you can do is stop rescuing her, distance yourself by not talking on the phone so often, and insist that she give you POA. Right now she's in charge through intimidation and manipulation, and as her cognitive condition worsens, you'll need to manage her finances and decide where she's going to live as she ages. Don't let it be with you!
Or maybe you leave her to her own devices and wash your hands of her entirely. It is an option, if that's what you wish.
She absolutely is not living with me. Living with my parents was awful. I did it until I was 24 and now, out of their house for 19 years, I realize how insane they made me. Plus I have 4 sets of stairs to use as an excuse. She cant even go up ONE stair without my help. And I am not moving. My husband is not moving.
Earlier today I recommended that you consider reading Silently Seduced. I do believe that book may really help you.
In response to me, you stated that when your parents divorced, your aunt noted that your mother should NOT be leaning on you for emotional support. And yet she did and continues to do this to you. And you are very clearly absorbing every bit of this pain. It’s almost as if she’s never seen any separation between her and you. She sees you as an extension of herself, and holds you directly responsible for every feeling she has. You are NOT responsible for ANY of her feelings.
It’s up to you to make that separation because your mother didn’t seem to foster you becoming an individual. At all.
You also cited that you are considering reading a book titled “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”. I’m not familiar with that book, however the title leads me to some other thoughts, and maybe others have mentioned these things to you.
MrsL - you’ve been dragged through a LOT by your mother. And possibly your grandfather. And maybe your father as well. And your experiences have been denied by your mother - to the point where you have questioned yourself and your own reality. That’s wrong to do to a child who KNOWS what she has experienced.
It’s pretty clear Your mother has no reason or interest in change. Disordered people rarely see anything wrong with themselves. It is pretty much ALWAYS the rest of the world that has wronged them.
Maybe I’m way off base, but I believe that The REAL person deserving of help is YOU. And you have to truly want to help yourself. Do you?
Please bear with me here… Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families Could maybe be of help to you. ACA is NOT just for people who grew up in alcoholic homes. They have online and in-person meetings. Maybe this could be a start?
I understand that Beginning any change (or real healing) is so hard. But if we don’t go in, we can’t find out.
For whatever reasons, your mother has placed you in situations over and over where you have been and continue to be emotionally abused. Those are difficult and painful things to admit to ourselves. And it doesn’t matter the “reasons” or excuses why the adults who were supposed to love and protect us did or do the things they did or do. You have every right to protect yourself from further harm.
Please care enough for yourself. My beloved late dad used to say to me, “JB, You don’t have to feel like this…”. And he was so right. My dad knew me better than anyone in this world. He’s been gone for 33 years and I still feel his words embrace me.
And so I embrace you with these words. You don’t have to feel like this…
warmly,
JB
When she starts, get off the phone. Or wash your hands of her completely.
Stop participating in her mental illness.
She tells me the only time she is happy is when she is with me. She says she enjoys nothing except our time together (which isn't much, honestly). Over the summer, while I was taking her out for her birthday, she told me if moved away, she would die. Thanks, mom. No pressure there. She is constantly saying she is lonely. She has no friends. Nobody visits. Nobody calls. She can't believe my brother doesn't call more (she isn't his mother and hasn't been married to his dad for 19 years). On and on. Constant complains about her misery. And so...I feel bad. I feel stress. I feel a gnawing in my stomach and tightness in my chest because my mother is so horribly devastated by her life.
If you spend a little time on this forum you will notice many posts like yours regularly popping up: hardworking and conscientious adult children desperately trying anything and everything to make an abusive, neglectful and/or “difficult” parent happy. Usually this is at the expense of their own family, finances and mental health. To an outsider, it looks like a poignant attempt to *finally* obtain the love and approval they never received as a child. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem possible for most of these difficult parents to provide that. 😞
I know when I was maybe 12-ish, my aunt considered taking me away from my parents for a while. But she never talks about this. My mom says it was menopause making her so mean.
The last 19 years she has been a total mess and has driven me insane. Even when I had my own health crisis and nearly died, my mother would pick fights with me while I was miserable because I wasnt speaking to her enough when she was here. I wasnt speaking to anyone!
I did 2 YEARS of physical therapy to walk, drive, and read again. I still struggle daily but I can take care of myself, thankfully. But the stress she gives me makes it worse.
The solution is to walk away. Completely. Can't you see how cruel she is, telling you that she wishes your father was dead? Don't enable it any longer. Stop answering her calls, and stop visiting. Reclaim your life in peace. You deserve it.
Through all that guilt, I just want to be left alone. And then I feel guilty about THAT too.
Go to the website Outofthefog.website and read about FOG and personality disorders. I'm certain my mother had Borderline personality disorder with the Waif subset. She was always the victim, the poor me waif who fluctuated between neurosis and psychosis. She made me the focus of her world and groomed me to make her happy, amidst her psychotic breakdowns and neurotic behaviors that traumatized me terribly. I realized early on that she was insane, thankfully, but I was still left with trauma and learned to walk on eggshells to read the room. Know what I mean? I'll bet you do.
I made it clear early on i would not take her into my home in old age or do any hands on caregiving for her either. When she'd call badmouthing dad, I'd tell her I wasn't listening to that garbage and I'd get off the phone. When the histrionics began in person, I'd leave.
Strict and unbreakable boundaries along with limited contact is the ONLY WAY to stay sane yourself while dealing with a person like this. Stop expecting mother to be any different or give YOU what you need. She's incapable of that, its all about HER and always will be (which is what your therapist is saying).
Stop cleaning her home.
Stop listening to fake crying jags and Poor Me Stories
"No Mother, I will not be caring for you in your old age, it will be Assisted Living which I'll help arrange for you."
Limit time you spend with her and phone calls to x amt per week
Cut contact when the father bashing begins, or talk of wishing him dead
Put your phone on silent at dinner time and let calls go to vm
Take 1 call per day at YOUR convenience
Taxes are not paid on 401k monies or on Social Security income as of 2025. Before 2025, a small amount of Social Security monies may have been taxed OVER and above a certain threshold. These types of women love to victimize themselves and pretend like the Sky is Falling over everything. Arm yourself with facts to counter the B.S. that's slung. So you can separate the bull from the sh*t and know the truth.
We can never make our mother's happy, even if we were to house them at Buckingham palace and give them a bank account of $1 million dollars and our undivided attention 24/7. Happiness is an inside job and there's only misery and insufficiency inside of them. No matter HOW much they have, it's still Not Enough.
But know that YOU are More Than Enough. You always have been and you always will be. The only way to reinforce that feeling is to limit your contact with the person who keeps telling you otherwise.
One call per DAY? OMG. No. I limit them to like once a month. Every call is like 2 hours. Thank goodness for texting.
Are you telling me my mother literally has $4,600 a month? That's crazy. She could be paying for home cleaning, visitors, all kinds of things!! She told me she had to "save up money" for a $20 museum ticket. I've been scrimping on my budget to give her $50 a month to help out. Anywhere we go, I pay for her. I've also offered to pay for her to do activities. I was also going to start paying for a house keeper...and hoped my husband wouldn't freak out.
If she continues or starts again. LEAVE.
If you are on the phone with her and she starts tell her is she continues you will hang up. If she continues again. HANG UP.
If she starts in with her financial woes tell her that since she will not let you review her finances you have no idea what she is talking about and that you can not continue the conversation.
Stop doing the things you are doing for her.
If she is able she can clean her own apartment.
If you are doing other things that she is able to do stop doing those as well.
Real easy for me to say all this sitting her and not having to deal with this but you have to set boundaries and stick by them.