This forum has been such a help so thank you.
My mom of 92 with dementia has attached herself to two lifelike baby dolls. It was upsetting at first but we very quickly noticed how her demeanor improved so we started to accept it. Not an easy thing because she is obsessed with them. Worries about them. Thinks they’re starving and they need a doctor because one’s fist never opens. This is just a small description of how real they are to her.
Though it was a positive development I feel it’s becoming complicated because she’s getting stressed about not having formula. people say they’re not real but dead and it distresses her. The love she pours into these dolls is heart warming.
We try to tell her an aide feeds them and not to worry. This is getting complex. How do I keep this up? Should I consult a professional?
Her AL memory floor is run so poorly. It’s clean but that’s about it. The residents are starving for interaction. At least that’s how it seems to me. I know it’s another question but is it typical for residents to be put in a common room with loud music all day and hardly an aide to be found? Hardly any cheerful interaction or conversation? I’ve had pleasant conversations with more than a few people there so their minds aren’t lost.
We can’t afford a private pay nursing home. The only place that we could take her too was here because they have a Hoyer lift but I doubt anyone knows how to use it.
Any guidance in these areas is appreciated.
First, I was mislead to think the memory floor had people trained to deal with these lonely residents. I will go to the director to discuss the issues and ask why there are no organized activities to keep them engaged at least part of the day. I realize they don’t always participate but maybe if there’s consistency they might.
we thought about the baby bottle. She might realize it’s a toy and then what?
I’m going to follow the suggestion that mom is only needed for care and comfort of the babies. Not sure how to say it but it’s worth a try. She really thinks they’re hers. If that doesn’t work I’ll get the bottles.
I think hiring a visiting nurse or volunteer is a great idea. My sister and me try to visit everyday but we can’t keep it up with all we’re juggling.
Thanks so much everyone. It is so helpful to be able to get some advice and learn more about the challenges we have.
I would try to spin so that she is babysitting rather than looking after her own children, this way all the worries about formula etc would be up to the day care and parents and her only task would be to offer love and comfort, it would also give an explanation for the times when the baby isn't available. I'd also try to limit her time with the babies, maybe offering a realistic pet as a substitute on weekends when the babies are home with their mothers.
That is cruel to tell her the doll is dead or not real. When a person is that far gone with dementia, they don't need to be told any kind of truths. I think she should be on some medication though if only to make her feel better and calmer. Then why not buy her the doll bottles and accessories if it brings her some comfort and happiness?
You ask if it's common for residents to be put in a common room and left there for the day. The loud music, I'd have a word with the administrator of the facility about that. It's a terrible shame when a person who hasn't lost their mind has to be in a place like this. They lose it pretty early on though.
You could get your mother a companion who will spend a few hours a week with her. If your family can't afford it there are many organizations that have volunteers who do this sort of thing for free. A Google search would be worth doing.
It gives them a focus other than picking at their skin, twisting paper, chewing blankets and any number of things that a person fixates on.
There are baby bottles that have a liquid or plastic piece in them that when tipped disappears. Your mom would think the baby is drinking.
I do hope that the people that are telling her that they are "dead" are not staff members.
Ask the facility director about getting aides to interact with the residents more.
You could if you or mom are financially able to hire a Companion Sitter to come in and visit a few days a week for an hour or two. that might give her something to look forward to.
If mom is on Hospice you can request a Volunteer that could some spend time with her each week. They can do no "hands on" care.
It concerns me that the facility has a Hoyer Lift but there may not be anyone that can use it. In most areas "equipment" is only to be used in Skilled Nursing facilities.
If mom needs a Hoyer you might look into transferring her to a Skilled Nursing Facility.
Dolls are sometimes used as therapy dolls.
My cousin is into reborning dolls and she made me one before the pandemic. People thought that I had a real kid. Some people had a problem seeing me traveling back home with a doll. I got all types of looks traveling with this doll. The doll is beautiful.
Have you tried bringing a toy baby bottle so she can feed her baby so she doesn't have to worry about it being fed?
You have to now enter your moms world as she can no longer live in yours, so whatever brings her joy and happiness should be all that matters.
And to respond to the latter part of your post, yes sadly in most memory care facilities the folks are all put in a large room to just sit and either watch TV or do nothing, with usually only one CNA to watch over them.
It's been my experience that typically the assisted living part of a facility has a lot more options for entertainment than the memory care part offers. Why....I have no idea.
Might be a good question to ask the facility your mom is in.
I would consult her primary doctor about meds for anxiety/agitation/depression. This may help with her constantly worrying about the babies. If your Mom has dementia no therapy is going to change anything in her broken brain. Meds may be what she now needs.