My mom passed suddenly leaving us with what to do with my 90 year old dad? We have been staying with him. But it’s complicated.

You are very lucky to have dialysis care so close. I hope you have no wait list

So sorry about your mom, my dad died towards the beginning of covid. The fear of loosing my mom after drove me crazy. I was so scared of giving my mom covid I drove myself and everyone else in my life crazy to. I didn't think I could handle loosing her too.

I am just guessing, was your mom close to your dad's age, because I understand that your mom died suddenly, but at her age I feel that it's not all that unexpected.

What I'm trying to say as gently as I can is, don't keep your dad going, in pain and miserable because of your fear of loosing him. I have not heard anything good about dialysis , so educate yourself and your dad.

Good luck. Hope that came out right

I have to echo MeDolly from Mar 19. Dialysis is pushed on people for whom it makes no sense; and the elderly (my father is 90) will do whatever the doctor says and ask no questions. Our mother, who was alive at the time this decision was made, did not bring us in nor get our opinion. Dialysis is big bucks for the two companies (yes just 2) in the U.S. that handle this. It makes sense if you are a good candidate for a liver transplant, but anyone over a certain age is not, and you’re just prolonging the inevitable. Just because your father has had the preparation for dialysis, he probably has no idea how exhausting it is and how many hours he will have to sit there without being able to eat and drink. And you will have to schedule your life around getting him to and from dialysis. Make sure he understands that you are not pressuring him to do this and that he can make the decision to stop at any time, assuming he is of sound mind. I would advise making sure you have a signed/notarized Medical Power of Attorney so you can act on his behalf if necessary.

I am sorry you are facing a terrible battle. Dialysis at his age will be permanent. The prospect of a kidney transplant is practically nil. Even if in AL, someone will need to transport and bring him back 3 x a week. Was this something he wanted. If he is dependant upon family, then, yes he needs to be closer to someone. That means changing doctors or facilities. The time slot can eventually be changed once one opens up.
You do not mention his mental or financial state, so it is difficult to answer farther. Can the OP enlighten us?

Condolences on the loss of your mother.

My father in law was 77 when he started dialysis. He was in a SNF that had dialysis on site. He had diabetes and his kidneys shut down. He lasted two weeks with dialysis. We thought he was doing okay with it but then he suffered a cardiac episode during his last session and did not survive.

Dialysis is very hard on the body for someone already in a weakened state.

Of course your father might do very well with dialysis. But I never thought this sort of thing could happen the way it did. It just came out of left field.

Dialysis for a 90 year old? Good grief, my step-father was on it for 6 years, it was pure hell, he had no life, no strength, no future.

Finally took him off of it and he died 1 day later, it was a relief for everyone.

It is a big business, Medicare spent over 2 million dollars keeping him artificially alive and suffering every day. He was another of those who did whatever the doctor said, asked no questions, researched nothing just did as he was told to do.

I am sorry about losing your mother, he may never recover from this loss. Sending support your way!

Hospice and palliative care options?

My friend did dialysis 3x a week and at 70 he said "no kore". From what I understand its very hard on the body. The doctor should have explained to Dad what was involved. He will sit for 6 or 8 hours in that chair. It takes a lot out of a person. Because a Dr. recommends something does not mean you have to do it. My Mom had one kidney that was not working that great. If I was told she needed dialysis at 89 years old with Dementia, I would have said no. And I know by turning it down my Moms days here on earth would have been numbered.

"I don’t think he really knows or understands what to expect with this."

He is 90, and usually by that age there's some cognitive decline. Does his doctor really feel that dad is competent to make health decisions for himself? Do you? Have you spoken with anyone on his medical team?

Time to get the ball rolling in that direction. Dad needs to assign someone his MPOA, POA, and create advance directives if he hasn't done so. If he isn't sure, call his PCP and ask. Make sure his nephrologist has copies of any paperwork.

Also, consider a geriatric care manager. There are lots of them in Florida. Look up these: https://www.aginglifecare.org/ALCAWEB/ALCAWEB/Chapters/Florida_Chapter/Florida_Chapter_Home_Page.aspx and

https://caremanage.com/
You might find the perfect one and then be able to return home, getting updates from the manager by phone and email rather than being there yourselves.

I've heard dialyses is really hard on older people, my dad said flat out NO, and we supported that.

Good luck. So sorry 😞

I think you need to insist that dad give you permission to speak with this doctor privately.

My sister the doc told my dad not to consider dialysis at all. Elder patients come out feeling sickly and weak and by the time they regain function it’s time to go get it done again.

Thank you. I’m very sorry with all you are dealing with. What I meant to say was we knew the dialysis was coming but really didn’t have any sort of plan in place on how we were going to help him deal with it. His nephrologist did not explain to him the option to not have dialysis. He is going more by this is what the doctor wants me to do. I don’t think he really knows or understands what to expect with this. He may change his mind once he gets started but it will always be his decision. He mostly sleeps the day away and I’m sure that is how it will continue on dialysis. Not much of a life and now my Mom is no longer here for him.

You say dialysis was inevitable. I am a retired RN. For me it is NOT inevitable. I don't wish to live on dialysis. Was the option of no dialysis explained to your father, or does he wish to fight to live. My advance directive forbids dialysis and other things such as PEG/NG or IV tube nourishment. I have a recent second cancer. I have had a lumpectomy but have chosen NOT to have nodes tested, NOT to have radiation and NOT to have chemo; should the cancer metastasize I will move to palliative, then to hospice care.

My condolences on the passing of your Mom. I fear you will lose you Dad as well, sooner than later. And I hope you will allow HIM meanwhile to make choices for what would be best for him in terms of accepting/continuing dialysis, especially. Once your father has made that decision, I doubt that, whether he continues dialysis and all that means, or whether he chooses palliative care and placement, a move is almost certainly not in his future unless it is done with medical transport.

I am so sorry. This is a tough time to make decisions as a family, but be certain your father has all the information and makes the decisions for what is the end of his life the best he can. Placement seems a certainty either way. His condition ongoing may dictate what placement and where, and I think you must start now with his own medical system and placement where he lives. You may ask his MD if SNF is an option for his beginning dialysis, but it is going to take a lot of medical management.