My mom passed away 3 months ago. It was quick and unexpected. Of course I asked my Dad to stay with us (married, 2 kids) a couple nights. Well that’s turned into 3+ months and I don’t see him returning to his house anytime soon. He was avoiding spending any time at his house in the beginning except to grab the mail .. I talked to him (tried to, he completely shuts down if he hears anything he doesn’t like) 6+ weeks ago and told him I thought he should be spending more time there. Since then, he has worked up to 3 hrs/day MAX at his own house (15 mins from mine). He is gone most of the morning/afternoon but is at my house for supper every evening and stays afterwards and sleeps here. I love my dad but I miss my alone time and the time with just my husband and kids. He says he wants to go back to his house but he doesn’t want to be alone and is heart broken over losing my mom. He doesn’t consider that I am grieving too and having him here is a constant reminder to me that my mom is gone (I was very close to my mom and my parents were at my house A LOT). My brother has offered to spend time at my dad’s house with him and even spend the night but my dad has declined. I feel like he is only thinking of himself and has even told my husband that I have no right to ask him to leave. WTH?!? This is completely stressing me out and having an open, honest conversation with him will NEVER happen because he does not communicate. It’s so frustrating. My mom took care of everything for him and allowed him to be selfish in their marriage .. so he keeps saying ‘I’ve never lived alone’, ‘she did everything for me’, etc. I feel like I did us both a disservice by offering for him to stay .. I should’ve stayed with him instead. He is totally capable of caring for himself, he just doesn’t want to. I am starting to resent him only thinking of himself and putting me in this position. Any advice?!? I want my old life back!!!!!
I would tell him you have every right to ask him to leave, it's YOUR house.
Time to get use to your new normal dad and that isn't staying at my home and inserting yourself daily.
It's hard but, it is necessary for him to learn how to be with himself. If he can't be alone then an assisted living is the next option.
I would tell my brother to just show up at dad's and stop asking. Your dad needs guidance and not questions that put him in control of the situation.
I am sorry for the loss of your mom and pray that you all find your way forward.
I am sorry for the loss of your dear mom.
It is sad that dad is having such a hard time starting his life over without his wife.
Since he needs to leave your home and doesn’t want to go to his own home you could call your local Area Agency on Aging and ask them to come visit dad for an assessment of needs. I would also get him to a neurologist for testing. Often couples cover for one another. Dad may have deficits you haven’t noticed due to moms presence. I am assuming here that dad is in his 70s? As long as you are seeing him in familiar surroundings it is sometimes difficult to pick up on the decline.
Alternately, I wonder if you went with your dad to his home and spent a few days if it would help? Perhaps work on packing away mom’s personal items if that hasn’t been done.
Maybe you could make dinner at his home, have your family come there for dinner and then they would go home. You might ask brother over as well and then brother would spend the night and you could go home with your family.
You could try this for a few days to help him transition. He might need to hire domestic help, order meals on wheels or down size to an apartment or Independent living facility where he could transition as his needs increase.
You could also just remove the bed he is sleeping on and tell him to go home. Or as the song goes, “you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here”.
If there is a senior center near by, he might find it a comfortable hang out for lunch.
Hopefully you will get your home back soon.
The two of you can offer to arrange for him to hire a housekeeper who prepares meals for him. You can find an accountant to manage his checkbook for him weekly. You can offer to drive with him to doctors appointments and help him set his meds up in daily pill packets. You can also set up grief counseling. Also, offer to pick him up on Sunday and take him to church, and then return to his home and cook dinner for the family there. Plan holiday celebrations at his home. Invite him to your children's school plays, and encourage him to volunteer at the school or the local food bank or church.
He's obviously very sad and doesn't want to be alone.
I'm so sorry about your mom, and the difficulties that you are now facing.
You might want to ask him if he would like to go to Independent Living or Assisted Living, there he will have lots of people to associate with and in AL, there is a dining room as well. Basically everything will be done for him.
Give him a choice, either go home or go to a facility.
If you don't tell him, he will never go back to his home.
You began your caregiving journey as a temporary situation to help your dad in his grief. It’s kind, compassionate and commendable.
While I understand others offering well-meaning advice on selling his home, etc. that is not legally practical.
Maybe sitting down with your dad, with your hubby, and relaying to him that you’ve been glad to help one another through your grief, but it’s time to return to your lives.
Stay strong, and offer options that have boundaries.
- Brother has offered to stay as long as he and you decide you need to when you return to your home.
-Dad, we enjoy dinner time together.
we’d like to invite you every Thursday for a family dinner. It’s the day the kids don’t have activities, and will work great for us!
-Ok, so if you still don’t want to stay at home, would you like to consider moving to a senior village apartment, assisted living(etc)
where others will be close by?
Your son and I can help you look into them.
You have a right to some semblance of life with your hubby and children. 3 months can turn into 12 years.
A still capable man has lived his life, and you need to live yours. I wish I had had better boundaries when my parents started down this road to needing more care; I lost so much time with my family and friends.
The results were loss of my health, finances, my significant other.
Set the boundaries now to protect you and your family.
sending you a big hug.
My point is that your parents had their privacy whenever they wanted it. You should have the same that he enjoyed. If he says he wouldn't have minded it, you inform him there's no way for him to know that for a fact since he wasn't forced to experience it.
Give him his move-out date. Give him lots and lots of help and assurances. Have your brother there every other day for a while, then phase it out but check with him every day and make sure to go visit him to see if he's doing self-care.
Your first priority is to your husband and family, just like your dad made your mom his priority, and you should never feel guilty for upholding this. If rational arguments don't budge him, then I think you need to assume there is cognitive issues going on, or he is having depression from the grief (which is not uncommon and very understandable).
I wish you a smooth transition for him. So sorry for the loss of your mom, may you receive peace in your heart.
Commend his effort to spend at least a few hours in his home. Help him find a Grief Support Group where people listen to each other. He may be shocked but encouraged that his feelings of despair and loneliness are shared by so many others. Help him work up the courage to start staying in his own home alone, one night at a time.
Long-married people may never have nourished their own talents and interests. As he begins to accept his new situation, have him look for ways he might help other people in their own difficult situations. Some widowed men I know locally are delighted to volunteer for organizations that help older people with grocery shopping and rides to the doctor and small household repairs. That kind of activity might help your father begin to look outward and feel useful.
Most people have no family or friends available for refuge and have to struggle through the emptiness alone. And they do.
Some of the advice here is well meant but impossible to implement. For example, people blithely tell you to sell his house. If it isn't your house you cannot do that. He is of sound mind and it is HIS house, not yours. You can't sell his house like you can't sell mine.
I like the advice to have meals at his house then you and your family go home. But, you can't do that until you have the hard talk with him about sleeping at your house. You try first, then if he won't listen to you, (after all you are his kid and you suffer from what Dr. Phil calls the Powdered Butt Syndrome, Once someone has powdered your butt, they don't listen to what you have to say) you might have to call your husband to put his foot down man to man.
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