My mother is 63 has MS and diabetes. She is currently living in the nicest independent living facility in our city. She moved herself in to my grandparent’s “apartment” at the facility 3 years ago after my grandfather passed away. Before that she was living in a garden home and although she used a cane occasionally she drove and was completely independent. My mother is an only child and was unusually obsessed with her parents. They came before anything else. Even me and my brother. She claims the reason she moved into the independent living is “when her MS gets bad my brother and I won’t have to worry about her”…..her moving into that place has been nothing but a curse. I was very vocal about my feelings about her moving into the independent living. As the saying goes, “if you don’t use it you’ll lose it”. I knew that if she moved in there and had so many things done for her she would lose motivation to get up and move. I was right. She developed a stage 4 wound on her bottom that gave her sepsis and sent her to the hospital June 2021. Since then she has not gotten out of the bed. She is completely bedridden. She can not toilet and often refuses to even sit all the way upright to eat.
My mother has 24/7 sitters with her in her independent living apartment. She is spending $25k+ a month in sitters and her rent to the independent living facility. She inherited a lot of money, but at this rate this money will not last forever.
My husband and I are 36. We own a video production company and have four children ages 14, 12, 9, and 6. I absolutely cannot take on caring for my mother with four young children. Although my brother and mother definitely hint that they wish I did more than I do—which is visit her 1-2 times a week and run the occasional errands for her. My brother is single with no children and visits 3 times a week.
My mother more than qualifies for a nursing home. But she and my brother refuse to even discuss it. But we have to! She is going to run out of money in a few years and then where will she be? One of my brother’s fantastic ideas is to move my bed bound mom into a garden home alone and keep the 24/7 sitters. Do y’all hear this nonsense? That’s incredibly unsafe. It would be cheaper than the $4k a month rent at the independent living, but that’s not even what the bulk of the cost is. She is paying $20k a month for the sitters!
To me, the best option is to find a really nice nursing home now while she can still be choosy. She is already living in a makeshift nursing home in her apartment with the sitters, I truly don’t see what the difference is. My brother has offered to move in with her and assume her care, but that’s not fair to him and aside from that, I know that will get old real quick. My brother is obsessed with making sure my mom is “happy” even if it means making dumb decisions. He told my husband and I if we put her in a nursing home and “forget about her” he would never speak to us again. How do I convince him that not all nursing homes are horrible? And that our visits would stay the same no matter her location? He has it in his head that if she goes in there she will be dead in a year.
thanks for letting me vent.
819 stated…Mom needs to be in a skilled nursing facility. She also stated that in a few years she's going to run out of money. In her leading paragraph she ends with "How do I convince them" and ended her post with "How do I convince him that not all nursing homes are horrible? And that our visits would stay the same no matter her location?" and I proceeded from there.
You sound like a sweet sparkly person…"love and light", let me guess, California?
Special.
This is an open forum. We do the best we can based off of our own many years of experiences with very best intentions and ideas as faulty and unenlightened as they may be. Have a heart. No cancelling. Better to focus on the posters rather than be a correctional officer. I know you are very wise but even the least of us hope to be helpful.
Funny thing there are many similarities between my earlier response to this post and yours. We could be twins TouchMatters.
I see the real issue that your mom and brother are taking offense with is that you don't have any more time or energy to give your mom because you have a family of your own to take care of. That is what they need to come to terms with. Even if your mom was healthy and didn't have MS, you don't have more time to give. You can't feel guilty about that. You have young children and they need their mom.
Don't feel guilty. Do the best you can and visit mom when you can. Mom is allowed to make her own decisions about her life, but you are entitled to do the same.
It sounds like your brother loves Mom very much, and it sounds like you do too! But if she is of sound mind and wants to spend her money that way, well, so be it. It is hers.
re:
"My brother has offered to move in with her and assume her care, but that’s not fair to him and aside from that, I know that will get old real quick. My brother is obsessed with making sure my mom is “happy” even if it means making dumb decisions."
...I guess I would say to let them try it out! It is lovely that he wants to keep her happy. If they somehow figure out a good caregiving support schedule that would enable her to stay out of a facility, that would be great. Otherwise, I am certain that the "school of hard knocks" will teach brother that it is time to spend mom's money on the best skilled facility available. It is amazing how beds open up in good nursing homes when you have a lot of cash. That said, even the best SNF's aren't perfect... people catch diseases, things get overlooked, and the aides vary in their quality level.
You have 4 kids and work full time. Make it clear that you cannot take on any care giving, of course make sure you continue to visit and bring the grandkids to see her, or continue to run errands if available. If you are not responsible for care giving, (I hope I don't sound harsh here!) you don't get to vote on this and you shouldn't say "I told you so" either.
Many of us in the care giving world wish we had a brother like you do!