My mom has dementia that has rapidly progressed the last few months after my father passed away. They had been married 55 years and were still in love. He had been caring for her.
She needs stand by support physically, medication management and a lot of cues for any daily living activities. She is also having delusions and is often in a different reality. She needs positive mental stimulation.
My siblings and I love her dearly and spend as much time with her as we can. None of us have the ability to provide the 24/7 supervision that she needs for safety. We want her to be cared for near us so that we can remain actively involved in her life. With her savings and ss income she can only afford about 5 months of the costs we’ve encountered for assisted living communities. The sale of her home would probably only get her another couple months.
We just don’t know what to do. We’re heartbroken after losing our dad who was an amazing man and now we’ve essentially lost our mom and don’t know how to get her the supper she needs.
i need help
Hopefully you are aware that in most states there is either a 2.5 or 5 year "look back" on Medicaid's financial application. So, whoever is managing her financial affairs or selling her home needs to know what they are doing legally. I'm hoping she has an active PoA.
"She needs positive mental stimulation."
I think you may eventually find that this does not change the trajectory of her dementia at all because the part of her brain that would benefit from this is dying or already gone. You can become her entertainment committee but she won't remember it. On this journey you will learn many things: it's like drinking from a fire hose. One thing to learn is where to put your energies so that you and your family don't burn out trying to make your Mom happy or projecting what her daily life should be like when it's no longer possible.
I found an excellent faith-based facility for my MIL who eventually went into LTC there. They saw the care as a mission so the admins and staff were just awesome. They had an Activities Director who was amazing and got my reluctant MIL to as many of the offerings as possible. It was also non-profit, so the cost was more reasonable. Please search out places like this. My MIL was not a member of the denomination that ran that network of facilities.
I'm so sorry for the passing of your Father, and now this. May you receive peace in your heart as you find her the best care.
The MC facilities that accept Medicaid typically have long waiting lists.
Apply Mor Medicaid ASAP and get her on as many waiting lists as you can.
If she has a home sell it and use the funds to pay for her care.
If she has any other assets that should also be used to pay for her care.
If dad was a Veteran you can see if she would qualify for Aid and Attendance. Check with the local Veterans Assistance Commission to see what benefits she may qualify for. (This again if she is a Veteran)
Get her into a Memory Care Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing care facility that accepts Medicaid and pay privately while you wait for mom to be approved for Medicaid funding.You'll have better luck paying privately at first than you will getting on a list for 100% Medicaid funding.
My condolences on the loss of your dad and now this chaos with mom. It's awful to witness the mental loss that dementia brings with it, turning our mother's into people we cannot recognize. Hugs and prayers sent your way.
Mom still owes on the house and it will need to be sold as is and likely a tear down. Although I think we will get more for her than I initially estimated.
Speak with management where mother is now; they can point you in helpful direction to get started.
Instead, find a nice skilled nursing facility. Yes, there are some nice ones. Make sure they accept Medicaid as payment, even though you will be paying out of pocket for now. Schedule tours and meet with an admissions director and ask questions. They will also ask you questions about your mother's level of care.
Choose a facility near you so you can be actively involved in her life. That will make it easier for her, and give you more peace of mind.
I have been referred to two senior living communities that accept Medicaid. One of them looks very nice and I will definitely visit. Both are a little further from my home and my siblings than I would like. But this is what we have to work with. I am going to ask the current facility’s social worker for any other referrals as well.
If the delusions are distressing to her or causing her to behave with agitation or aggression, talk to her doctor asap about medication to calm her.
i’m sorry you’re going through this, especially so soon after losing your dad.
So many senior living communities around us don’t take Medicaid and will only take residents who can prove they can afford approximately 10,000/ month.
i agree about memory care though. I am going to speak again with the rehab facility staff. They said AL, but I think she needs more.
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