My mom needs an aide, or AL, but says no. How do you convince a reluctant senior (w/ depression, would rather die) or do it w/o consent?

Hopefully, after explaining your mom’s situation, you will receive help. It depends on the hospital staff and stipulations.

My friend has been a nurse for over thirty years has told me that she is instructed to place the patient in a cab to be sent home. In some cases, it doesn’t make any difference to the hospital if someone isn’t there to pick their parent up. They will call a cab and send the patient back to their house.

I remember that we had a poster, Elaine that lived in upstate NY. Her mom was in her 90’s and lived alone. Elaine stopped showing up at the hospital to pick her up and they placed her mom in a cab to send her back to her house. Her mom wasn’t safe at home by herself either. It’s sad. I hope the hospital social worker will offer the help that is necessary for your mom, so she can be cared for by a professional staff.

Some great advice from the experienced posters below for a well trod pathway.

Some take a while to find that path (or never do - burn out instead). It took me a while to find it, distorted by heavy fog as it was. The first step was the hardest, letting go of the burden of other people's expectactions that I should fix all their problems. Sigh.

Some folk get stuck in a no-win battle to convince for a while. I did... What was that quote "there is no negotiating with terrorists" 😆

One thing that lept out from your profile was that because you were 'not encumbered' the expectations fell onto you - that maybe marriage/kids etc may change that? Wouldn't bet on it!

I have read the stories on this forum about that expectation pressure. Starting with #1 reason: being a female, but then: the oldest sibling, the youngest sibling, living the closest, single, or the most amiable - the most likely not to say no!

My Doctor said the men in the family expected her to 'take care of Mother' because she was a women. My Councillor said her Mother & siblings both keep pushing because she was the youngest & they said it was 'her duty'. She said her friends that worked from home were under massive pressure, especially one who was an artist 'oh you can do that anytime - I need you today'.

Standing up for you own life is 100% OK.

My daughter has worked in 2 States and says Hospitals are not under the "unsafe discharge" rule. So u may want to ask that first of a SW.

Rehabs are different. They cannot release unsafely. Mom has to be admitted to the hospital for 3 days to be sent to rehab and have Medicare pay for it. If she goes to rehab, you have her evaluated for 24/7 care. If found that she needs it, tell the Social Worker that its unsafe to send her home and you cannot care for her. Where I live the nursing section and rehab are in the same building so its just a matter of transferring to the Nursing section from the rehab. If she has money, use it for her care. If not, apply for Medicaid.

At the hospital you ask to talk to a Social Worker. Explain that mom is not safe at home alone, you can not care for her full time and she refuses help. To discharge her to home would be unsafe. The social worker will discuss options. See if you can get a neurologist to see her to begin diagnosis of some type of dementia.
I do hope you have POA. Your next call should be to an Elder Care Attorney.

raynak, tell the hospital that she is unsafe to live alone, that you CAN NOT be her caregiver and you need help.

Most are willing to guide you to what needs to be done. A rehabilitation facility is a great 1st step. They can do a needs assessment and help you with what type of facility would best serve her needs.

Make sure that everyone involved in her care knows that you are not the solution. No matter what mom tells them. Soooooooo many seniors tell the authorities that they have someone to help them, yes, 24/7 is okay with my someone, all while someone has no idea they are being volunteered for this role. So, please make sure that you make it very clear that she flies solo and you need help with the next step.

Also, the staff at the hospital and rehab may try to make you feel like pond scum for not stepping in to prop her up or they may try to convince you to step in while services are being arranged, don't buy into the lies. If you step in, you will be stuck, there is no help on the way. It is a common, shoddy tactic used to get people out the door. So be warned!

If your mom is admitted then you can begin planning. Ask to see the social worker, it may take a day or two. Tell them that you feel it's unsafe for your mom to be discharged to home, they will likely suggest a r
hab facility. That in itself will buy you a bit of time and get the ball rolling.