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I am trying to be grateful she is doing well, but is it wrong to hope she was able to stay? Our lives are on hold between my father in law and my mom my brother is done with her we have to drive to Illinois every week to cut her grass and all the unending I have been with her for 20 days straight and she really is doing well.


Home health someone is there everyday, she has an emergency alert and my husband is so amazing he comes down on his days off and does everything for her. he fixed her leaky bathroom sink but the plumbing is so bad it falls apart in your hands so we had to get a plumber to finish everything the worst thing is is that she is so nice to everybody else but no matter what I do it’s never enough. W


hen we were at the doctor she said that when my brother died she had my daddy but with him passing she has no one to talk about hurting. the crazy thing is is she stated that she had to get through losing her child by herself she wanted this bedroom set up for her she is a hoarder and then one wall was full of mold my husband took a whole day just to take care of it and when we went back to Illinois after Wisconsin I asked her if she is going to sleep in her bedroom. We will see. I responded by saying how much work lee did she did but Friday night she slept in the chair and I walked out to the family room and she is sitting on the floor she slid off the chair then she is diabetic and is refusing to eat I was crying every 10 minutes down there.


She even accused me of taking her 20 dollar bill. I finally got it through her head it was mine besides all this work lee is doing take materials and we have spent around 500 already. She has this money for this shower she is paying us back I even walked in the bank to get my name on her savings account she wanted it and I broke down. I have a really good friend who works there. I need to stop worrying about what she is doing with my brother and I need to put some boundaries up and respond by telling her I will not be spoken to that way I feel so absent from my life my husband actually took me to the Marriott for a break she was fine for the night I know I have to take care of myself but I am being stupid and punishing myself like the way she is treating me so I am losing weight really fast and only I can do it I don’t know if anyone can follow me but thank you for letting me get this out.

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Staffbull, I am so sorry that in addition to everything else, you now have this on your plate as well. When you say she “lost her bid for continuing care”,what do you mean? Home health care? Hospital/rehab? Nursing home?

I wonder if your family is ignoring the elephant in the room. That is, for a lot of reasons, Mom can’t live by herself any longer. You cannot continue to live your life like this. Even if Mom is violently opposed to going into a nursing home, you need to get the ball rolling. Apply for Medicaid now. It takes a while. Tour homes with your hubby and find one for her. The next time she winds up in the hospital, have her transferred to a facility. Tell the discharge planner/ social worker that she doesn’t have a safe place to lIve ( from what you’ve said about her house, she really does not) and you live out of town and can’t take care of her.

You cannot continue to live your life in this kind of uproar. You will crash and burn and take your kind husband with you. If there is no one at the hospital, like a social worker, you can get help from, contact your mom’s local area Agency on Aging and ask them to help you. Don’t say “I can’t.” Say, “I will, for my own good and the good of my family.”
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Was mom discharged because insurance wouldn't pay any longer because of lack of progress in therapy?

Or did NH say "she's fine to live by herself with no help"?

Or did NH say ""She needs to be a long term care patient: she has assets so they need to be spent down on her care"?

Those are three very different reasons for dischage.

If she needs long term care, you need to get her affairs in order so you can figure out what she can afford in terms of care.
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Staff Bull, I think you’re very upset again, right? Remember what a lot of us have said. You can’t continue to live in this sort of uproar seven days a week, 24 hours a day. If your brother doesn’t want to be involved, then you need to make the decisions. I think your brother is more worried about losing the money than losing the farm if he’s not interested in keeping it up. Are you expected to keep up the farm, the house and take care of your mom, your own home and your husband as well? Really?

Would it be so very awful if Mom had to go someplace where they could take really good care of her medical and personal needs every day, all day? Where she wouldn’t have to see her daughter at the end of her rope all the time?

You have decisions to make. This is something you, with your husband’s help, have to do. Keep your brother informed, but keep in mind he’s not going to be much help.

Yiu have gotten a lot of good advice here. People who have been there and who have been successful dealing with these issues. If you keep losing control and letting yourself get so stressed and upset, your health will deteriorate and then where will Mom be? And hubby, who never did anything but want to help you? Is that fair? We can keep repeating our advice, but whether you decide to follow it or not is up to you. And, if you don’t, nothing will change.
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Can ur Mom cook for herself, bath and dress herself, remember to take her pills, to drink, to eat? If no, then she needs LTC. Call the Homecare agency and ask for the person in charge. See if they have the ability to evaluate Mom. If so, let them evaluate her situation. Explain that you cannot be there indefinitely so if its found she cannot live alone, then a NH is in the future. If she has money, then use it for private pay until you can spend it down. About 90 days before you run out of money, contact Medicaid and start the application process. Once Mom is in a NH a lot of stress will be lifted. She will get her insulin regularly. Moms NH had water given all day long. Three meals a day. Laundry service. They take care of personal needs, prescriptions. I doctor associated with them. Dentist, foot doctor. Activities. You can visit when you want. In ur situation, I would not provide her with a phone. Your husband is the important one. You don't need the stress. You have done what you needed by making her safe, clean and fed.
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You be extra nice to that husband. He's a keeper!

Could you explain a little about the appeal that was turned down? Was this the nursing home evaluating whether she needed that level of care? Was this about continuing rehabilitation? Was this a denial from Medicaid? That might make a difference in our responses.

Does your mother have signs of dementia?
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Thank you everyone when we returned from Bon Jovi we paid for her to go back to the rehabilitation center the hospital said it was all taken care of well I walked in the door and the nursing home advised me they denied because she was doing well except she still needed physical therapy I had to have the appeal done by 4:30 so I am getting every doctor who has ever worked with her the farm is worth over 3 million dollars it’s been in the family for 200 years she doesn’t want to go back but I have never her as happy as she was she said it’s because people there tjpy
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Sorry a little more all my brother is worrying about is losing the farm as I said she she so inconsiderate to me my father in law has brain damage I also drsl
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Just a bit more my mom remembered a man just looking at her and his face said just die my brother spoke to me the next morning he told me he is not farming and He is transfer with his job my mom care comes first but lee and I are alone my heart is breaking she is my mom but I feel numb and everyone is punishing me so why don’t I f
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Thank you really great advice I am trying to figure out where to start she could live on her own but then she does self pity and depression but she says she is not leaving her house and her dog a little more background my brother and her are in a cash rent business and every fall they both lie about money honestly that’s between them I choose to leave he didn’t so he is blaming her and me for his life he has blocked my phone number and my message moms last year after Dad died he did the same thing I am 8 years younger every time I think it’s okay I am let down the day after she was flown to the other hospital he answered the phone and I didn’t have a chance to talk because of my daddy’s will which gives everything to my mom and then my mom does her will according to my mom we get 10 acres and the house he gets 270 acres and his house I know I am the only one that can change things I am so tired of crying I really want her to go somewhere but she won’t
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