I try to get her interested in other things. She can't drive, so everything is catalogs. I tried throwing them out, but the mail comes while I'm at work. She gets hundreds of them. I'm struggling to pay for her very expensive meds, incontinence supplies, and all of our expenses. I've even had to clean out my savings and starting on my 401K. I beg her to stop but she says it's between me and my 2 brothers to figure it out " after all, I paid everything for you when you were kids."

Ummm no it's not your job to pay for what she needs. Do not tap into your 401k for this selfish woman.
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to sp19690

All I can say is WOW! Your mom sure is a very selfish person isn't she, expecting you and your brothers to pay for her care? That is so wrong on so many levels and until you say enough is enough, she is going to continue to take you for all your worth.
What's going to happen when you get old and are needing your money for your care? Will there be any left, or will you have spent it all on your selfish mom?
You must understand that just because your mom birthed you, doesn't mean that you are responsible for her in any way as she ages. You owe her NOTHING!!!
And sadly I don't think that you believe that.
It's time to put your foot down and let her know that starting today, you will no longer be paying for anything for her, and that she will have to start using her SS to pay for the things she needs. And if she has to file bankruptcy on her credit card debt, then so be it. It's time that mom grows up and starts acting like an adult, and for you to put your big girl panties on and tell her that you're done helping her.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to funkygrandma59

Wow, I’m sorry your mother is so manipulative. Please guard your own future and don’t pay another cent of her bills. It’s shameful for her to be okay with sacrificing your well-being, I hope you’ll stop being okay with it immediately
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to Daughterof1930

Agree with other posts STOP PAYING her bills and get a durable financial Power of Attorney (POA) ASAP if you do not already have one!

Also, perhaps you said, but if this is credit card debt (?) and those cards are in her name ONLY; THEN STOP PAYING NOW. Yes, she'll default but so be it. If you have or can secure a POA, go to the bank and take over her account. Set up on-line banking so you can pay on-line directly for ONLY the things she needs. Take the check book and credit cards away from her. She'll have a fit, but do it.

For low income seniors as others have noted, each state has a low income subsidy Medicare Part D plan she likely would qualify for or perhaps she'd qualify for Medicaid assuming she has no assets. You should NOT have to be paying out of pocket for expensive meds and many State Medicaid plans will help w/incontinence supplies.

Contact your Area Agency on Aging or get an eldercare attorney to help you navigate some of this. Also, write to each charity to tell them to remove her from their mailing list. Also put her on the "do not contact" list with the direct marketing assn. which will stop most but not all: My mom was receiving solicitations from appx 80 organizations and after doing all this we are now down to about 2 "charity junk mail things" which I just throw in the trash now. It took a year, but the incoming mail from these charities has largely stopped. Also, a few bounced checks will also help stop the incoming solicitations.

Put at freeze on her credit with the three credit agencies so she cannot take out any new credit cards. Here is a good article on that:
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to Sohenc
Clairesmum Sep 28, 2021
this is a great summary of actions to take.
See 2 more replies
Do you believe that you are required to sacrifice your life and savings to keep her happy?

If that is your belief system, please make sure that you raise your children with the same "slave" mentality, or make sure that you are independently wealthy.

You've been brainwashed. Seek therapy to understand why you are doing this to yourself.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn

First of all STOP paying for her expenses! If she lives with you then she should be paying some amount for rent, utilities and so forth. DO NOT pay for her meds or anything else she wants. Speak to her dr to see what meds she can be taken off of. Make a budget and have a come to jesus meeting with your mom! Its not up to you to make her happy, that is her responsibility. And if she continues her actions, maybe its time for AL….then her ss chk could go directly to the AL. This is SO unfair to you on so many levels. How are you going to take care of yourself when the time comes. If she doesn’t like it, give her the option of IL or AL, or go live with your brother. You have let this go on far too long. As another has said, put on your big girl panties and tell her what is going to happen starting today!!!! Many blessings to you!!
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to cherokeegrrl54

First of all the nonsense of "after all I paid for everything for you when you were kids" has to have the brakes put on it right now. Unless she was a single mother not receiving a cent of child support and zero assistance from the state, she didn't pay for everything. Please tell her this.
Also she IS the PARENT not you. It's the PARENT'S responsibility to provide for the children they bring into the world. It's not the childrens' responsibility to provide for them. Please tell her this as well,
So the solution to your problem is pretty straightforward.

STOP paying for her meds and her incontinence supplies and any other necessities for her that you're paying for. If shopping is more important than her medications to her or her incontinence supplies, then so be it. Don't back down.
She says it's up to you and your brothers to figure it out. Ask her how much purchasing she thinks she'll be doing if you and your brothers figure it out and the answer is a nursing home? This should be enough to curb her spending a bit.
Your mother is behaving like a spoiled brat child. Treat her like one.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to BurntCaregiver

someone needs to be made her representative payee and take over her finances. You not be spending your assets to support. Let these bill go unpaid. Open a post office box for mail. don't have catalogs forwarded to the box and no delivery to your home.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Bridger46164

Well, she said for you to figure it out, so figure it out.

I would take away all her credit cards so she can't charge any more.

Tell her Social Security is to help pay for her a place to live, food and medication.

Let her know that she can get $100 a month Allowance to be spent as she pleases and the rest would be used for her care.

Tell her if she doesn't agree to this, then you will be happy to let her tour 2-3 Nursing Homes for her to choose to live.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to bevthegreat

A: YOU should not be paying a DIME for all the stuff she "needs".
B: SHE should be responsible for all her 'stuff'.

My mom also gets 2-3 catalogs per day and amazingly, she needs something from each one, each week. So far she's been able to afford all the garbage she buys--but she has run into problems with things she returns--she doesn't want to pay the return fee. So she doesn't...and in a few months she is being dunned for hundreds of dollars b/c she won't pay to return stuff. Then I get called to deal with it.

I have cancelled many catalogs, and she misses them and calls to get them reinstated. Drives me nuts!

If you talk to her and tell her you will NOT be paying her CC bills as of NOW and also not paying for her meds, etc.

In a couple of months, or sooner perhaps, she'll start getting dunning notices. Those might get her attention.

At her stage of life, I doubt ruining her credit is going to be an issue.

GA has a good plan to talk to the postmaster--but frankly, my mailman (in jest) told me if I didn't get all these catalogs the USPS would go out of business. I believe you have to have some 'power' in this to cancel anything in mom's name. I didn't, but still cancelled a few catalogs.

I'd say let the chips fall where they may. She sounds canny enough to simply continue doing what she wants until there are ramifications serious enough to get her attention.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Midkid58

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