She always “wants” to be the victim that other people take advantage of. She is very accusing and blames other people for everything. Nothing is ever her fault. She lies. She brags. She complains about everything. If she can’t find something, she says we stole it. If something won’t work right, she says we broke it. She accuses us of going in her room, or messing with her stuff, just because she lost something.She reminds me of Eyore on Winnie the Pooh. She is just so negative. She constantly worries and her mind immediately thinks the very worst. She constantly thinks she is sick, I think she wants to be sick so she will have something else to whine about. If I have any health problems at all, hers is worse.She wants everyone to think she is sweet and generous, so she may “give” money or pay for something. It seems great at the time. But then later, she blames us for “asking” for such and such. She tells other people that we asked for things and that she felt sorry for us because we couldn’t afford it. She makes us look needy and pitiful. We didn’t ask for anything, she offered. I just didn’t realize there was a hidden “cost” to her “generosity”My brothers have treated her like crap, but she acts like they hung the moon. I’ve done nothing but try my best to honor her, but she acts like she can’t trust me.She trusts scammers all the time, and has lost lots of money that way, but acts like I’m out to do her wrong. I honestly think she just doesn’t like females. She has lousy relationships with all her female relatives.Sometimes I regret inviting my parents to live with us, (my dad passed many years ago) but I thought that was the right thing to do.sorry about the long rant, but I just need some advice I guess. I am learning that I can’t trust my own mom, and that hurts
By the way you don't have to let her live with you. You thought it was right, and now it's not working. Don't stick it out for ten or twenty more years of misery, I know you've been taught the victim mentality by your mom your whole life but create your own future.
Women of her generation tend to worship men, regardless of how useless they are or how little they do for her (except the husband's who can never be enough). The sons and grandsons HAVE hung the moon, in their minds, while we daughters and granddaughters are there to serve them, and incorrectly at that. No matter what I did for my mother, it was wrong or never Enough so after awhile, I stopped trying. Yet my son could see her once a year and be praised like he was God. She too couldn't stand women...but boy howdy she loved men and flirted like a teenager 🤢 Some dude in a wheelchair rolled over to her door in AL the day after dad died....and invited her on a CRUISE! She was blushing and giggling like a girl. I felt nauseous. Then she proceeded to pack up all dad's clothes in a hefty bag for me to donate!
I'd made a decision long ago to never move her in with me in old age, thank God. When her dementia kicked in, it took her personality disordered mind to all new levels of horror. But I got to say adios to her and go home. You can't do that, and I'm sorry. Things will only continue to get worse as she ages and the dementia progresses. Mom lived to 95. She hung on for dear life and would've killed me had she been living with me. As it was, I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer less than a yr after she died. I am in remission now, by the grace of God, but stress is real. Look out for YOURSELF now, please.
Check out the website Outofthefog.website as Slartibartfast suggests. It will help you see PAST the Fear Obligation and Guilt and into a brighter future.
Good luck to you.
In the meantime, different housing and care arrangements MUST be made for her. She may have some dementia. She may not. It's hard to tell when a person has always been like this. My mother has always been like you describe. Dementia just makes it worse. If your mother was not like this before, then she likely has some kind of dementia so getting her to the doctor for testing is a good starting point. This will determine what kind of living situation will be appropriate for her.
Stop blowing up your life trying to humor her when it's imposssible to do so. Your brothers like so many sons around the world are the 'Golden Children' no matter how they treat her. Believe me, like my mother she will be miserable wherever she is. If she lives in the grossest, most disgusting nursing home on earth or has the run of Buckingham Palace with hundreds of royal servants awaiting and obeying her every command, she will be exactly the same. You can't wreck your life for your mother.
Get her to her doctor then start looking at housing and care options for her. Most importantly is, she has to be moved out of your house.
Know that she will continue as she behaves although it'll get worse.
I understand it hurts.
What to do?
- Learn to take care of YOU, first
If you decide you can't or won't take it anymore:
- Depending on her medical diagnosis, give her a written statement / contract telling her she has to vacate your home (or however you want to do this).
Be serious as she won't believe you. Spell it out in writing. Give her a month (state dates)
Decide how much more of this behavior you will subject yourself to.
Depending on your answer, you have choices:
- She vacates your premises
- You continue to deal with this behavior while it likely escalates and breaks you down, further
- Get into therapy no matter what you do asap
Only you can make changes in your thoughts and behavior.
She likely is incapable.
Do not argue with her. That is a trap.
To respond, say: I hear you saying XXX (repeat her words back to her) then walk out of the room. Do not give her a reason (or response to continue the discourse - [although she doesn't need a reason])
Know that she is likely frightened, like an abused child
Be compassionate and firm. Know you deserve a quality life.
It won't be easy for you. Do what you have to do.
Gena / Touch Matters
I have those same thoughts in my head, but could not have expressed them as clearly.
As you said, you DID ask your mother to move in with you. It may be time to discuss now that this isn't working for you. You have a right to a peaceful home that provides safe harbor for you in a tough world. Mom may need now to make decisions for ALF care or other options. When living together doesn't work for one person, the it doesn't work, and any agreements to continue it should be unwound.
Hopefully you see the mistake you made years ago, by allowing your parents to become dependent on you. It is not a "good thing to do."
Start looking for Senior Apartments in your area, and what they cost. Please tell me your Mom pays monthly rent and expenses living in your home. When you find a few nice places, tell Mom you are taking her to look at them. Tell her that her living in your home has "not worked out as you expected," and it would be better if she had her own place, and live around people her age. She can get involved in Senior activities, and not brow beating you for a hobby.
These people are notorious for making up things and getting people who are not directly involved to believe these fake narratives.
It is time for mom to move out. I would flat out tell her if she doesn't like the way you are handling things that you can make arrangements for her to move somewhere else like to a long term care facility. It doesn't sound like that she has money for a more swank facility or assisted living.
After awhile, this type of behavior will wear down anybody's nerves. It's not even a matter of growing a thicker skin or this is how old people are. No, it's about knowing that you have gone far enough with this situation. It sounds like she doesn't respect what you are doing for her anyway, so let someone else deal with it.
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