My mother has always been very emotional and it’s been hard to deal with her emotions over the years. She’s been living alone for almost 40 years. She started hoarding cats which led to a messy and very smelly house so when it came time to move her out of the house it was a very unpleasant job. She does not understand why we felt the need to throw out so much(due to cat pee) because she simply doesn’t see/ smell the cat urine as a problem. Now she’s angry at us and depressed and lashing out at us. We really are just trying to help. We are paying monthly to support her living in a nice senior apartment but she just keeps making demands and laying on the guilt. She is difficult to resolve issues with and does not communicate effectively. I want to help her but I refuse to allow her to live the way she was while I clean up after cats. We are trying to set boundaries with her so she doesn’t create that kind of chaos in our lives but it has been so hard as she cries and lays guilt trips on us.
There are people, and not just a few, who prefer animals to people and do not exempt even their children from this general rule. I suppose, or I have come to suppose I should say, that they find human relationships painfully difficult, and animals very rarely hurt one's feelings.
For your comfort and consolation:
#1 This is very early days. Give her time.
#2 I found Christine Ann Lawson's book "Understanding the borderline mother" extremely helpful in practical terms. Whether or not the label 'borderline' really does apply, it's still a useful manual for laying down boundaries to guide your response to specific challenges.
I can't tell you how relieved I was to hear that she hasn't gone cold turkey, so to speak. Only... it's interesting, isn't it, to reflect that rheumatoid is an auto-immune issue. Hmmmmm. Perhaps don't point that out to her! - just a speculative thought.
Best of luck, please do keep in touch and let us know how it's going. Any reports from the staff at her new place?
I don’t know but I am imagining that since you have removed the thing that your mom is addicted to…her cats…that she is in a type of withdrawal?? I’ve read that an alcoholic for instance, can dry out, but will still have the issues that led them to self medicate in the first place. That is, unless they receive some therapy for their underlying issues. Your moms addiction/issues must be very strong to replace her children with cats.
I am not suggesting that you did anything wrong in helping her move but I am wondering what she will do in place of the cats? I wouldn’t expect her to be happy about having her drug of choice removed. I suspect she feels a deep loss. Your anxiety has been relieved by removing the cats but hers is heightened now. Since you and sibs subsidize her, she is caught in a situation where she risks that subsidy if she violates the cat rule. So it’s a bit twisted. You want her to be happy and grateful. She may realize she “should” be but still feels the loss. So it may take awhile for her to feel better. I could be totally wrong about this but it seems a very large and longstanding problem to just be over because of a move.
Therapy might help you better deal with her behavior.
How did you come to be responsible for your mother's wellbeing, to the extent of deciding where and how she is to live (not to mention paying for it)?
I have no idea how long it might take somebody who has been solitary for forty years to adjust to living as part of a community. I suppose it will depend quite a lot on the nature of the community and how compatible it is with hers. Does your mother still have a cat or other companion animal?
You are doing an admirable job caring for and protecting her in spite of her ingratitude. Just fyi, you are not responsible for your mother's happiness. You must put up boundaries so you don't get dragged into her black hole with her. May you gain peace in your heart on this journey.
If so, is Mother able to bathe & tidy independently? Unfortunately whatever causes the hoarding behaviour can transcend into other areas. People still have the right to live as they choose.
Sometimes an AL setting will work. They have firerisk regulations that must be maintained so staff can insist on a tidier room & encourage more hygiene.
I met a woman in AL who hoarded all the food packaging & plates & refused bathing. The compromise made was a few bed baths & one weekly shower. The Manager would clear out the room while she was in the shower. That woman never seemed happy, screamed at staff constantly. Seemed harsh but when I asked what was the alternative, I was told her next move would be a nursing home, probably in a geriatric psychiatric facility, a shared room (unless a lot of money).
It is sad. But your Mom's feelings or behaviour are not within your control.
I am not you of course. But personally I imagine I would buy her a couple of those battery operated soft toy cats that purr for comfort & visit once a week or month if weekly was too much. I would not be financially contributing to her lifestyle either, but that is a very personal, cultural & generational diverse choice.
She may never be happy, and that is on her, not you. You have already done more than enough, and it may be best to take steps back to let her figure out her new life on her own. And honestly, you, nor anyone else in your family should be paying for moms apartment. You need your money for your own future and care. I would never expect my children to pay for anything for me.
And it's not like you put her in a nursing facility, for crying out loud, but instead you have put her up in what sounds like a very nice senior apartment. She should be grateful, but like I said she may never be happy, and you're just going to have to be ok with that.
If her negativity is too much for you, just keep your distance and don't answer your phone. Someone can only make you feel guilty if you allow them to. You know that what you've done for her is in her best interest, so don't let your mom continue to drag you down. Misery loves company, but that doesn't mean that you have to be that company.