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If you've read any of my posts you probably can gather that my mom is a HANDFUL.


She has an official diagnosis of mild vascular dementia caused by a stroke years ago with a tendency of behavioral issues. She resides in a nursing home with medicaid. She is incontinent of the bladder, and is a 2 person assist.


She constantly says "there's nothing wrong with my mind" "you're punishing me by keeping me here" "why won't you help me leave?" "I completed therapy, I can leave" "I can work and drive"


She calls me all the time saying these things, and it is making me miserable. I feel guilty but mainly I am just furious. There is no rationalizing with her whatsoever. I can't block her because she has my work number then she harasses me at work. I'm not able block her on my work phone. She calls the cops all the time if the nursing staff don't attend to her immediately and the cops have expressed they are fed up with it.


I do NOT feel comfortable putting her in an independent living situation again. I tried that once and obviously it didn't work. I gave up my life to move home and fix her mess. My mom has called me evil for not helping her. I just refuse to be liable for her demise.


But the thing is... she sounds so clear when she says these things, and it plants those little awful seeds of doubt. However her doctor, social worker, and nurses all say the same thing about her: she needs nursing level care. How can I go against all those people? How can I go against what I can see with my own two eyes?


I've considered resigning as POA and removing her from my life but I can't ever seem to do it. But she is the most exhausting person to be around and have in my life. She could live another 20 years which seems to be a daunting prospect for both her and I.


How can I deal with this? I loathe my weekly visits, and I loathe my daily phone calls. If I don't call her every day, she'll call me saying that I don't care about her. Mind that my mom and I have always had a rocky relationship, and I honestly don't care if it gets better. She got to have her fun carefree 20s many years ago, but here I am at 22 living a life I wouldn't wish on anyone.


She thinks if I do what she says that the world will just fall into place. My dad accepted his condition a couple months ago and since then our relationship as parent/adult child has blossomed. My mom is too wrapped up in her woes to make that association, and I blame both her mild dementia and her personality.


I'm just fed up. She needs serious help somehow, and I have exhausted all options for her. I can't seem to simply accept her mindset and just quietly nod at every infuriating sentence she says. I can't seem to get into her reality. I told her its healthier for both of us to limit contact but that just turns into a screaming match.


what to do....

It sounds like your mom is where she needs to be, even though she is not happy about it. You're right about not being able to reason with someone with dementia and mental illness. My mom suffers from both and can be very difficult as well. She also started developing the cognitive problems at an early age, but has always been difficult to relate to.

Tell her you can't talk at work, and thereafter hang up each time she calls. It will probably take some time, but eventually she'll get the message. I'd say scale back the daily calls to maybe once a week (or even less, depending on what you are comfortable with). Have a set day and time for a phone call and tell her you will talk to her then. Ignore all other calls.

I agree too with visiting only when and for how long you feel comfortable. If your mom is in 24 hour NH care, she has professionals overseeing her needs round the clock.

You can still, if you wish, help to manage mom's care and stay in touch with the medical professionals from a distance as the POA. Or, you could resign the POA as you mentioned if you feel that would be the best decision. Do what you think would be best. You mom will be looked after. Just make sure you go through thr proper procedure to do so if you choose that route. I'd consult an elder law attorney to inquire about the best way to do this. There are agencies and even in some cases I've heard of NH being appointed as guardian after going through the proper legal proceedings.
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Reply to FrazzledMama
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If I recall correctly, you are only 20-23? Way too young to be in this position. I really feel for you. I don’t know what your line of work is, but can you speak to your employer about having moms phone number blocked? As a mother myself, my maternal instincts are telling me it would be best to cut off contact with mom, not completely but for your sake-for your emotional and physical well being-your relationship with your mom needs to be on YOUR TERMS. End your POA. Block her number. Call her only when you want to. Visit only when you want to. Do it all on your terms. Your mom needs more help than you can give her. I think she needs to learn to be on her own without you and get used to life in the facility she is in and learn to depend on the staff and the resources available to her there. Maybe once that happens, you can slowly start to work on your relationship with her. I wish I had all the answers for you. This is a terrible situation for someone to be in, no matter how old they are but like you said, she got to live her life in her 20s and you deserve the same thing.
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