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She was diagnosed with stage 4 cervical cancer 3 years ago. Her treatment was "maintaining" her health up until 6 months ago. She had 3 TIAs. They took her off the chemo to get her BP stablized, during that time her kidneys shut down. After finally getting a hold of these detours her Dr suggested she try another chemo plan. She did one treatment and she was in alot of pain and was very sick. Since that treatment she is refusing any type of care. She is very combative and will not let us help in any way. I know she's ready and doesn't want to fight anymore. But she is living alone, refusing to eat, clean herself (she now just relieves herself on her couch) basically she won't get off the couch. When my sister or I try to help with anything she just yells and tells us she doesn't want any treatment. We've tried to tell her many times were not pushing her to do any treatment but she won't even let us finish a sentence. Even just trying to talk about anything at all she yells for us to leave. All we want is for her to go as comfortable as she can. We can't let her die sitting on her couch in her own filth. This has been going on for about 2 1/2 weeks. We've tried getting her to go the Dr and she's refusing. We haven't even mentioned hospice, because we can't get more than a few words out about Drs before she starts yelling. I'm not sure what I can do to help her without exasperating her pain and the anger. She's always been stubborn and quick to get upset, if she doesn't want to do something she yells and screams and (used to) storm out. I know she's scared, but I don't know how to help her when she shuts down. Any advice on how to handle a ruley parent and give her the best possible care in this transition would be very much appreciated.♥️

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joslyr, try getting help for your mother. When they show up at the front door and your mom refuses to let them in, there is nothing you can do about it. Let her die the way she wants on her terms.
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Elders have rights. period. Just because somebody had mental illness and makes bad choices is a person deemed incompetent. I spoke to an elder lawyer. My mother has mental illness and makes bad choices. It doesn’t matter. She can live any way she wants. The ONLY was you can MAKE her do anything Is MAKE her get evaluated to see if she has dementia and then seek guardianship of her. But that takes a lot of TIME, which your mother doesn’t have a lot of. Leave her be before she threatens to call the police on YOU!!
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lealonnie1 Nov 26, 2019
You can't save a person from herself, and that's the bitter truth, isn't it Elaine? We're 'fixers' by nature, us humans, especially women, but not everything CAN be fixed. Some things need to be left alone to let God handle. We'll step in if/when we're called to.
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I am so sorry you are going through this.

I am trying to picture what I would do if in your shoes. I would call her Docfor to inform then call 911. I understand she does not want active treatment - this is to get a emergency/crises response as this is what this is - a crises. I understand you are trying to balance your duty of care against her freedom to choose but the TIA's may mean she has lost decision making powers.

Get her somewhere safe, clean & comfortable.
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I agree with lealonnie because I have been there with my mother!!! My mother has rights. Not me. The law is on the elders side. Not yours. Respect her wishes. You can’t make her do a damn thing!! I’ve been through it. If your mother doesn’t have dementia there is nothing you can do. Talk to an elder lawyer. I did. Talk to the doctors. I did. Talk to a case manager at the hospital. I did. Your beating your head against the wall. Let her die the way she wants to. She has rights. It’s the law. Remember this, if she doesn’t have dementia, there is nothing you can do. Been there, done that.
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Home hospice means someone has to be there 24/7 with them doing most of the work. The best part you would get an aide and a nurse a few times a week. If Mom is actively dying, then she will be kept comfortable and free of pain.

I would call Office of Aging or Adult Protection Services. Ask them to evaluate the situation. There is some decline here maybe from the TIAs. A stranger may get thru to her the way u can't. Also, there will be a record that they have been called in. This is a good way to cover yourself from a neglect charge.
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ask dr about in home hospice. They are usually great. and if this was already answered, well, it's late, and I didn't read all the texts.
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We went through almost the exact same situation years ago with my father. We ended up calling 911. By some miracle, he listened to the paramedics (wouldn’t listen to anything we said), and was admitted to the hospital.
I sincerely wish you good luck. It is an extremely stressful and heartbreaking situation.
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LoopyLoo Nov 26, 2019
I swear paramedics have some kind of “elderly whisperer” gift. Elders who fight everything and everyone else tooth and nail will quickly agree to a paramedic’s advice!
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Maybe call 911 and get her admitted. She won’t like it of course, but you can’t let her do this to herself (as far as living in filth, peeing on the couch). She’ll quickly get skin breakdown and if nothing is done... well... we’re talking maggots here.

If you know she’ll go right back to how she is now if they send her home, tell the hospital staff this.

It’s okay if she’s done with cancer treatment and wants to go. It’s not okay to leave her like this when she is not in her right mind. No one in their right mind would pee on the couch and sit in it!
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worriedinCali Nov 26, 2019
Why would you suggest the OP go against her mother’s wishes? She doesn’t want treatment. Her mother has rights you know. Her daughter does not have the right to force her to accept medical care.
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"Mum, what can I do to help?"

"Mum, would you like Hospice to come in?"

"Mum, I need to call in APS to make sure you are ok."

"Mum, I know you do not want to see another doctor."

"Mum, do you want to die at home?"

"Mum, how do you want to get pain relief?"

"Mum, I am sure you do not want to sit in poop, how can I help?"

As her questions that give her some semblance of control. So she can see that she has choices. If possible get her answers in writing or record them.

You will need to call and talk to her doctor and call APS. You do need to cover your own backside.
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I was adopted and found my birth family in 2000. My birth mother passed away of uterine cancer 7 years before I did the search, so I never did get to meet her. I am one of 7 children she had with a few different men. My sister told me that she died exactly the way your mother is choosing to leave this Earth.....on her terms. With no treatment of any kind, living in squalor with piles of clothes lying around covered with flies, etc. That's how she chose to go, and what your mother is choosing as well. Something very, very difficult for the children to accept or to process, or to WITNESS, but also something they cannot control. I don't know what I would have done had I been in her life at that time. But hearing about her super difficult personality, there likely would have been little I could have done, in reality.

Love your mother as she is, with no conditions, allowing her final days to be as she sees fit. I say that because I just don't believe she'll allow it to be any other way. You can call hospice or get an assessment done, but will she throw these people out? It sure sounds that way. Dying with dignity doesn't mean dying the way WE see fit, but the way THEY see fit, whether we agree with it or not.

I am so sorry for the terrible pain you are all suffering, and pray it will end soon so you can all find peace. Sending you a hug.
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Isthisrealyreal Nov 26, 2019
Dignity does not include soiling yourself on the couch and remaining in it to cause unnecessary damage to the body. I would venture to say that if a police officer showed up and found an elderly woman sitting in dried feces someone would be dealing with elder neglect charges. People can live and die as they choose as long as it is not unsafe, this is in the unsafe category.
There is no dignity in sitting in your own waste, no matter how it is justified. This is severe mental illness showing its ugly head.
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I would contact the local council for aging and get an assessment done, maybe she will listen to their social worker.

I would also tell her that she is endangering you all because the law could say elder neglect. ( I don't know if that is true, but something has to move her)

I am sorry that your family is facing this. I pray that someone gets through to her that she doesn't have to die this way, she doesn't have to lose her dignity.
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