She can hardly verbally convey her wants or needs anymore because she can't remember common words. She doesn't want to admit she has a problem and dad just wants to keep her happy so does everything for her and refuses testing.
InfinityLoop, there's a thread on the discussion part of this site entitled " I'm so disheartened and angry". The last couple of week's posts have been about Dorker's difficulties, created because her father made no one POA. His demented wife is home alone. He is critically ill in the hospital with cancer and heart issues. It's a sad and cautionary tale. Dorker spent all last year trying to get her dad give POA to ANYONE so his bills can get paid. LTC insurance and Medicare supplement may lapse, credit card bills unpaid, electric, phone....you get the picture.
Is this what dad wants for mom? Let him read the story.
I want to second the idea of getting a geriatrics doctor involved. My mother's internist would look at her bloodwork and declare that she was "fine". Geriatrics doc spotted the real problems in 2 visits.
If you sue for guardianship after dad passes you would have to pay legal and court fees upfront and then be reimbursed from mom's funds.
Guardianship would mean the court would order the bank to release control of mom's funds to you to be used for her care.
Is dad suffering from cognitive decline? Is he thinking logically and reasonably about this and other important issues?
What does he fear in this situation? With my aunts and uncles who lived through ww2, both couples reacted viscerally and illogically to the idea of being separated. It led them to make costly (both in terms of their money and health) mistakes in arranging their end of life issues.
Both of my aunts (who were initially in better health than their husbands) predeceased my uncles.
Yes dad should set up a trust so that mom can be cared for. Please ask him, kindly, why he doesn't think she should have the best care if HE dies.
Does he realize he is opening the door for mom to become a ward of the state if none of you can afford to front the costs to get guardianship? That guardianship would be a terrible burden on you "kids"?
Something that might work to get dad to follow through. If he passes first it is likely that the state would seek emergency guardianship of mom, leaving children out of the process. Would dad rather have the children be the ones to make decisions for mom? I would think so.
You should consult an elder law attorney for ideas. Explain the problem. See what suggestions they would offer. You should be able to get a free half hour telephone consultation.
Perhaps dad would speak to a geriatric care manager.
Is mom's doctor a geriatric specialist or a GP? A geriatric specialist frequently deals with dementia and is very familiar with tests that would be necessary maybe that would be less intimidating and frightening for dad.
Bloodwork?? How about her brain imaging? Has doc ordered that? Why not?
When your dad dies (if he pre-deceases mom) you will use her money to pursue guardianship for your mother. My cousins were in EXACTLY this situation with my elderly aunt and uncle. Aunt felt she couldn't "go against her husband" by permitting any investigation to be done.
Dad assigning a POA doesn't mean anything with regards to mom. If he is her POA, that dies with him.
You could pursue guardianship now if you think it would make a difference.
Their Dr. says they declined testing so no scans were done.
How can we use her money after dad passes if we don't have access to it now and she won't even know how to access it herself?
The POA I was referring to was one that mom was to sign, but the elder care attorney said he couldn't let her sign it if she didn't know what she was signing. BUT... he presumably told my dad there's a means of getting around this which requires the two of them going to court.
I wasn't present for that conversation despite my request. I had even driven to them for this purpose and my father decided not to go at that time. It's as if he doesn't want us to know what the attorney said - assuming he actually saw one.
I realize we could go to court ourselves to get guardianship of mom, but am concerned that this would drive a wedge between us and dad or impact his health.
We thought if he could set up a Trust that would allow for us to have access to their finances, etc. that this would resolve our concerns should he pass.
Again, though, mom would have to sign the paperwork as well and she's not of sound mind to do so nor does she have a medical diagnosis to support us in court in order to get documents binding without her signature.
Thank you for your time and attention. I appreciate your feedback.
When my mom was diagnoses with Alzheimer that’s when her world ended. I say don’t let her know. If you want to rule out other things I Understand but I say don’t let her know if it’s Alzheimer’s.
I think that your Mom needs to see a doctor and have tests run. She could be suffering small strokes. A UTI, which untreated could become septic and she could die. She could have diabetes and left untreated could cause all kinds of problems. Having a full physical is needed. You can slip the receptionist a note to give the doctor telling him what you have seen. This will help him ask the correct questions and order the appropriate test. If he suspects dementia, then you take her to a neurologist who can diagnois and determine what type. And it is important to know what type because of medications that maybe used. Some Meds can cause problems with certain Dementias, like Lewy Body.
What is the purpose of getting a dementia diagnosis?
Does your mom get regular medical care? Has anyone spoken to her doctor about her word-finding difficulties, which can be caused by something other than dementia?
Who is mom's Power of Attorney for finances and healthcare?
Does your dad refuse CARE for your mom? Or just testing? If so, will he accept that she needs to see a neurologist to rule out things like brain tumors, NPH and other treatable conditions?
First, her primary Dr. says all her bloodwork looks great. He suggested a neurologist visit, but dad says mom doesn't want testing because SHE doesn't want to know. I've been pushing for it because we don't know for sure it's dementia. Regardless, a diagnosis would enable her to get treatment for whatever is causing these issues. Dad is the primary caregiver and has yet to create a POA in the event of his demise (he's had numerous heart surgeries and told his heart is too weak to undergo another). An elder care attorney said he couldn't allow mom to sign anything she didn't understand, but dad could take her to court and get this settled. We continue to follow up to see whether it's been done or not and he says not yet. If he passes before her, she would not be able to access her account for money because she can't remember her PIN and doesn't know how to sign her name anymore. So, everything is in his hands and he's not doing anything to get her evaluated or setting up a POA or Trust should she survive him. So, we're trying to get advice on how to convince him to do these things before it's too late.
Is this what dad wants for mom? Let him read the story.
It's a very long thread. Pick it up at about April 15th 2020.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/disheartened-and-angry-428711.htm?orderby=recent
Guardianship would mean the court would order the bank to release control of mom's funds to you to be used for her care.
Is dad suffering from cognitive decline? Is he thinking logically and reasonably about this and other important issues?
What does he fear in this situation? With my aunts and uncles who lived through ww2, both couples reacted viscerally and illogically to the idea of being separated. It led them to make costly (both in terms of their money and health) mistakes in arranging their end of life issues.
Both of my aunts (who were initially in better health than their husbands) predeceased my uncles.
Yes dad should set up a trust so that mom can be cared for. Please ask him, kindly, why he doesn't think she should have the best care if HE dies.
Does he realize he is opening the door for mom to become a ward of the state if none of you can afford to front the costs to get guardianship? That guardianship would be a terrible burden on you "kids"?
Does he see just how selfish he's being?
You should consult an elder law attorney for ideas. Explain the problem. See what suggestions they would offer. You should be able to get a free half hour telephone consultation.
Perhaps dad would speak to a geriatric care manager.
Is mom's doctor a geriatric specialist or a GP? A geriatric specialist frequently deals with dementia and is very familiar with tests that would be necessary maybe that would be less intimidating and frightening for dad.
When your dad dies (if he pre-deceases mom) you will use her money to pursue guardianship for your mother. My cousins were in EXACTLY this situation with my elderly aunt and uncle. Aunt felt she couldn't "go against her husband" by permitting any investigation to be done.
Dad assigning a POA doesn't mean anything with regards to mom. If he is her POA, that dies with him.
You could pursue guardianship now if you think it would make a difference.
How can we use her money after dad passes if we don't have access to it now and she won't even know how to access it herself?
The POA I was referring to was one that mom was to sign, but the elder care attorney said he couldn't let her sign it if she didn't know what she was signing. BUT... he presumably told my dad there's a means of getting around this which requires the two of them going to court.
I wasn't present for that conversation despite my request. I had even driven to them for this purpose and my father decided not to go at that time. It's as if he doesn't want us to know what the attorney said - assuming he actually saw one.
I realize we could go to court ourselves to get guardianship of mom, but am concerned that this would drive a wedge between us and dad or impact his health.
We thought if he could set up a Trust that would allow for us to have access to their finances, etc. that this would resolve our concerns should he pass.
Again, though, mom would have to sign the paperwork as well and she's not of sound mind to do so nor does she have a medical diagnosis to support us in court in order to get documents binding without her signature.
Thank you for your time and attention. I appreciate your feedback.
Does your mom get regular medical care? Has anyone spoken to her doctor about her word-finding difficulties, which can be caused by something other than dementia?
Who is mom's Power of Attorney for finances and healthcare?
Does your dad refuse CARE for your mom? Or just testing? If so, will he accept that she needs to see a neurologist to rule out things like brain tumors, NPH and other treatable conditions?