My Mom is obsessive and can't be distracted or redirected...
We have kept, maintained and visited my parents lake home since my Dad passed 3 years ago. Mom moved in with me right after Dad passed and in early stages of her dementia. We would regularly return to my parents home on a lake for weekend visits, holidays, etc. and enjoy our time home without issue when it was time to leave. Mom is now in Memory Care since late last fall.
We went back to the lake for a week this past Christmas and once we returned, there has been a significant decline in Mom's communication, delusions have started, her personality has changed, and she is obsessive compulsive about multiple things. Obsessive about my sisters wedding that isn't planned but she says it is, doctor appointments that we have already had, her teeth, and the lake.
She has become agitated and verbal about her hate for her Memory Care home and says she is going to stay at the lake as soon as I take her there. It has become the only thing she talks about and is angry and mean about it.
I discussed with her doctor and he recommends that I do not take her back to the lake. He says it will be too difficult for her to come and go like we used to. I explained how this is literally the ONLY thing she talks about and how do I manage not taking her? His suggestion was to tell her the house burned down or we sold it!
My Mom is not the typical dementia patient that I can distract her or she will forget about - she is OBSESSED about her lake home and to tell her that it burned down seems more harmful than taking her there. Telling her it burnt down would only turn into another obsession about seeing it and fixing it.
Has anybody experienced dealing with dementia obsessions or similar? My sister and I said we would rather try to explain to her that she has dementia vs. telling her their beloved lake home and legacy burnt to the ground or had to be sold.
Have you told your loved one they are sick?
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I ask because, It's not uncommon for patients who have dementia to become or grow more confused, agitated, resistant, insistent, etc. as their condition progresses. It's not something that is odd with dementia, but, common and even expected.
IMO, that's why there are professionals who are specifically trained to manage their care. So, I'd discuss what you are experiencing with your mother with the MC staff. What are they seeing with her? What works best for her? And, would medication help her with her agitation? That's why, I'd find a doctor who is more familiar with this kind of patient and their care.
Mental distress is just as painful as physical pain, imo, and that's why special care must be taken. Plus, does the doctor not know that mother would likely forget whatever you say about the lake house burning and the news would need to be repeated over and over. Each time the pain would be horrible for her.
And, I would be surprised if she were able to process the information that she is ill and not able to visit the lake house. When, the brain is damaged, the patient often is not able to process or retain it, so, it would likely make her angry, suspicious and confused.
But, family members try different things. I say go with whatever works. Often, a repeated excuse, such as, we're getting the house ready, new roof going on, spraying for insects, driveway being fixed, etc. will delay until the point that she will forget about it and stop asking. Most of the time, that phase does pass. But, until it does, it may be just be a thing that has to addressed at each visit. And, if she believes that she will return to live there, what's the harm of allowing her that fantasy?
We would tell tell him we were busy or we had to come home and cook for our son, whatever it took, to beg out and leave. You can’t tell them any different and if you do, it leads to arguing which is upsetting for everyone. My husband still has issues with “therapeutic lies,” but is coming around. The more we can do to make him less agitated, the better for everyone.
I would not not tell her burned down, just do what you’ve been doing- telling her you’re busy, etc - but then leave (with some excuse about somewhere you have to go. She will eventually stop and focus on the next obsession. For as upsetting as it is for you, it’s equally or more so for her. I told my husband I imagine dementia as riding in a car at 150mph trying to count telephone poles and calculate the number of poles per mile while still counting. The world moves too fast for them to process, so they obsess over trivial things.
I often wonder if FIL from 10 years ago would be appalled at his behavior now. Obsessive, demanding, argumentative, etc. Doesn’t care if he turns out world upside down to have his needs met because his needs must be met now, much like a toddler. I hate this disease.
Its extremly frustrating to explain anything since she has no short term memory
I am only starting to realize the depths of change that have happened in my mom's mind
There is no reasoning with her anymore
She went to assisted living a month ago, not happy and cant be reasoned with. I think the mistake on our part is dealing with the parent we knew, not who they have become.
It is now like dealing with a small child, patience, love and staying the course.
I wish I could say it gets better. It doesn’t, it just becomes different. That obsession will get replaced with a different behavior. Crappy disease this is...
We try not ever lie to Mother. To tell your mom the lake house burned down would be awful for her. Tell her the truth.
Fear and paranoid episodes are common with dementia. At her stage she will hold to what she remembers, usually long term. The places & times that were secure, common, memory, safe...Always point out what a great beautiful place it is she lives, how safe it is, etc. I wouldn't mention about the lake house.
Hallucinations & dellusions are typical but can be managed with the right meds but as little meds as possible. Her feeling safe is key. With dementia any past traumas or fearful episodes will surface.
As you go you will see how to work WITH her. Never try to manipulate or deliberately lie. Tell the truth, be mild with it, but be consistant. And it's ok to remind her what she had desired though she doesn't remember. If she's insistant, then say that we'll have to work on it or plan it, etc. Keeping things in the future most of the time works because she won't remember.
Blessings
Have you tried telling her you’ll take her to the lake tomorrow, end of next week or whatever time frame that you know she’ll forget within?
My Mum too is obsessive, mostly with constantly eating anything sweet & today has been constant nagging for sweets, biscuits or chocolate. She ended up trying to eat a wet wipe!! Such a tough disease isn’t it. Blessings to you & your family xxx
As to the times she wants to go to the lake house, have you tried reminiscing about happy memories from there? It might work better than trying to redirect her to another topic.