I live in another county, my husband has metastatic cancer and my mom is 91 and no will or POA. My sister moved up to Ohio almost 3yrs. ago and lives with my mom, paying no expenses. She lives rent-free and uses mom as a cash cow!
I mistakenly thought that you said another COUNTRY. Becky pulled me back and I have time to edit! Seems while you live in another county your plate is somewhat full. And this is certainly your first priority. Are you positive that your now incompetent Mom doesn't have a will or a POA? Have you discussed with Sister? What compensation would be OK with you while sister cares for Mom and is unable to work? Do you mean to say your Mom is incompetent and therefore cannot do these papers? Are you saying Sister is incompetent in the care of Mom? What is curious to me is that you are not thankful that, if Mom is incompetent, your sister is caring for her? You have no room for Mom on your plate, do you? What happens when someone dies without papers is that they have died intestate and the court will appoint the nearest relative who applied and is capable of administering the estate. That person will gather all assets, if any, sell real property, and divide the estate as the law dictates. Hopefully sister is being paid for her care of Mom NOW in some way. Otherwise you would stand to inherit as much as SHE does. You might want to tell us more about your Sister, and why you believe she is nefarious in caring for your Mom. And how, when you are a continent away, you know this? If you believe that your sister is abusive to Mom and only using her you certainly are free to open an APS case asking for a check on the situation; do know that in a fight for guardianship you would invest 10,000 in a fight and may well lose unless you have proof that care of Mom is insufficient. The state may give guardianship to the sister already doing the care of take the care over to the state as guardian and a paid fiduciary. Wishing you good luck; hope you will update us.
You have quite a situation and a lot on your plate for sure. If your mother is 91 years old and incompetent as you say, then your sister is the one taking care of her. She deserves to be paid for that. People often make the mistake in believing that free rent and a bed to sleep in is a good and fair exchange for caregiving services. It's not. Have you ever had a job that offered no wages? A job that offers no wages is volunteer work. It would be your sister's choice not yours, whether or not she will be an unpaid caregiver. Also, it is not for you to decide what amount she will be paid or which of her bills will be paid out of your mother's money. You say your sister moved up to Ohio three years ago. She was living in another state then. Surely there must have been things in her life that she gave up to be with your mother. You have a lot of hardship in your family and I'm not unsympathetic. But it certainly seems to me that you're projecting your anger and sadness about your husband being sick and your mentally ill daughter not getting her disability onto your sister. These things are not your sister's fault. They aren't your fault either. Imagine how much harder your life would be if you also had the burden of caregiving for your incompetent, elderly mother. Your sister is carrying that burden. She could very well leave if she wants to. Don't alienate your sister. Family is important, especially when there are health crises and hardships. Why not try to have a conversation with your sister about things like POA and wills and payment for caregiving services. Work together not against each other.
My sister is retired and moved to Ohio when her son and DOL moved out of state and they sold their duplex property that my sister lived in rent free. She needed to find a place to live and talked my mom into letting her move into her home. In a nutshell, she took over my mothers bank accounts with a pod on all of them. As far as a POA or Medical POA; sister does not have one for my mom and refuses to give any informing accountability or liability on her part. Under her care mom got lost for a period of 10+ hrs. and there was a "silver alert" put out statewide. I was notified by her local police dept. Long story short, her primary care doc said she was NOT competent to drive, could not be left unsupervised. Mom is now a shut in. My husband does not need hospice services, and my daughter is not intellectually challenged(low IQ) to need a group home. She does have Medicaid because we applied for her. The issue: sister refuses to share any info on mom. I have no keys to mom's house and mom left alone while my sister takes care of another disabled man for "cash under the table." When I stopped by to cut my mom's hair, she did not even have any of her three canes anywhere in the upstairs of her own home. Get the idea? She is isolated and helpless! It is highly unlikely she could even access her own yard unassisted and certainly without her cane. Mom's house keys no where in evidence in her area of house. My sister was hands off and living in TX for 30+ yrs. with free access to airline tickets for herself. Only once did she or her grown sons show any interest or help in any emergency with my mom. So I guess leaving my mom unsupervised and going out to care for others for cash is okay?
Since sister is living with Mom she must be doing some of the caring? Maybe she feels she deserves to be paid. People have a way of justifying their actions.
I think you are going to have to put Mom on the back burner even though sister may be taking advantage of her. You have enough on your plate right now.
Why has your daughter not applied for SSD before now? Does she work? Where I live we have "Resources for independent living". This agency helps austistic people. I would say that epilepsy is a disability. As such, your daughter should be able to use busing supplied by Office of Aging. Is she on Medicaid for health insurance? If so, they supply transportation. Have you talked to your County office of disabilities?
My grandson is epileptic. Until last September we were his drivers. He could hold down a job. The medication was not helping with his seizures. He was a candidate for brain surgery and had it in 2020. He is still weaning off his meds but has been seizure fee for a year and a half. The state reinstated his licence last Sept. He now has a car and a good paying job.
In your profile, you state, "I am caring for my mother D, who is 91 years old, living at home with alzheimer's / dementia, depression, incontinence, osteoporosis, sleep disorder, and vision problems."
Are you or your sister (or both of you) taking care of your mother now? Are you sharing the care of your mother? How far away is a county away? And, as Polarbear asked below, what is it that you want to happen?
Do you know what home care, such as your mother is getting, would cost? In my area, easily $15,000.00 a month! And likely there would be three shifts of caregivers each day. You sound frustrated and angry with your sister, who cares for mom (I imagine) because she uses mom's money. Does she buy herself new cars? Does she pay household bills? Groceries? Does she hire a house cleaner or chauffeur or cook for mom? Or does she do all those things in addition to caring for mom?
Sister must have days that she struggles, this is very hard work. Would you rather she become destitute because she can't take care of herself? As it is caregiving will impact her retirement she has working years to make up and to get some sort of monthly social security benefit.
I have been there and done that. Take it easy on sis, it is amazing just what a bit of appreciation does!
Now, you, need some help! Have you considered hospice for your husband? Have you looked into facility living for your daughter? Are either of them on Medicaid? Have you applied for them? I imagine there is help to do those things online through national foundations that would assist without a fee.
We can't know the full extent of all that goes on with your sister but consider this. Your sister lives with your mother. She does not pay rent but she is living with her and hopefully helps your mother with issues that happen daily. Otherwise your mother would be living alone. My mother is also 91. She lives in SN and is immobile. I realize there are all sorts of 91. My mother is certainly at the lower spectrum health wise. With all you have going on do you really want your mother living alone. One mishap at that age can adversely affect her.
Laurie- I read your profile. So sorry you are overwhelmed taking care of your husband who has cancer and your daughter who has Asperger's. You do have your hands full.
As for your mother who is 91 living at home, you said in your profile that she has Alzheimer's, incontinent, and other health issues. Sounds like your mom needs to be watched and cared for around the clock. Your sister who moved in with mom, does she take care of your mom? If not, who does?
Regarding POA, if mom is still at the early stage of Alzheimer's, and is still able to understand what a POA is and wants to assign someone to be her POA, then she can do it with the help of an attorney. If she's too far gone mentally, then it's too late.
Your question: "What can I do?". What is it that you are hoping to do, or have happened?
Seems while you live in another county your plate is somewhat full. And this is certainly your first priority.
Are you positive that your now incompetent Mom doesn't have a will or a POA? Have you discussed with Sister?
What compensation would be OK with you while sister cares for Mom and is unable to work?
Do you mean to say your Mom is incompetent and therefore cannot do these papers? Are you saying Sister is incompetent in the care of Mom?
What is curious to me is that you are not thankful that, if Mom is incompetent, your sister is caring for her? You have no room for Mom on your plate, do you?
What happens when someone dies without papers is that they have died intestate and the court will appoint the nearest relative who applied and is capable of administering the estate. That person will gather all assets, if any, sell real property, and divide the estate as the law dictates. Hopefully sister is being paid for her care of Mom NOW in some way. Otherwise you would stand to inherit as much as SHE does.
You might want to tell us more about your Sister, and why you believe she is nefarious in caring for your Mom. And how, when you are a continent away, you know this?
If you believe that your sister is abusive to Mom and only using her you certainly are free to open an APS case asking for a check on the situation; do know that in a fight for guardianship you would invest 10,000 in a fight and may well lose unless you have proof that care of Mom is insufficient. The state may give guardianship to the sister already doing the care of take the care over to the state as guardian and a paid fiduciary.
Wishing you good luck; hope you will update us.
It's not. Have you ever had a job that offered no wages? A job that offers no wages is volunteer work. It would be your sister's choice not yours, whether or not she will be an unpaid caregiver. Also, it is not for you to decide what amount she will be paid or which of her bills will be paid out of your mother's money. You say your sister moved up to Ohio three years ago. She was living in another state then. Surely there must have been things in her life that she gave up to be with your mother.
You have a lot of hardship in your family and I'm not unsympathetic. But it certainly seems to me that you're projecting your anger and sadness about your husband being sick and your mentally ill daughter not getting her disability onto your sister. These things are not your sister's fault. They aren't your fault either.
Imagine how much harder your life would be if you also had the burden of caregiving for your incompetent, elderly mother. Your sister is carrying that burden. She could very well leave if she wants to. Don't alienate your sister. Family is important, especially when there are health crises and hardships.
Why not try to have a conversation with your sister about things like POA and wills and payment for caregiving services. Work together not against each other.
I think you are going to have to put Mom on the back burner even though sister may be taking advantage of her. You have enough on your plate right now.
Why has your daughter not applied for SSD before now? Does she work? Where I live we have "Resources for independent living". This agency helps austistic people. I would say that epilepsy is a disability. As such, your daughter should be able to use busing supplied by Office of Aging. Is she on Medicaid for health insurance? If so, they supply transportation. Have you talked to your County office of disabilities?
My grandson is epileptic. Until last September we were his drivers. He could hold down a job. The medication was not helping with his seizures. He was a candidate for brain surgery and had it in 2020. He is still weaning off his meds but has been seizure fee for a year and a half. The state reinstated his licence last Sept. He now has a car and a good paying job.
The sister deserves to get paid. That isn't 'people having a way of justifying their actions'.
Are you or your sister (or both of you) taking care of your mother now? Are you sharing the care of your mother? How far away is a county away? And, as Polarbear asked below, what is it that you want to happen?
Sister must have days that she struggles, this is very hard work. Would you rather she become destitute because she can't take care of herself? As it is caregiving will impact her retirement she has working years to make up and to get some sort of monthly social security benefit.
I have been there and done that. Take it easy on sis, it is amazing just what a bit of appreciation does!
Now, you, need some help! Have you considered hospice for your husband? Have you looked into facility living for your daughter? Are either of them on Medicaid? Have you applied for them? I imagine there is help to do those things online through national foundations that would assist without a fee.
My mother is also 91. She lives in SN and is immobile. I realize there are all sorts of 91. My mother is certainly at the lower spectrum health wise. With all you have going on do you really want your mother living alone. One mishap at that age can adversely affect her.
As for your mother who is 91 living at home, you said in your profile that she has Alzheimer's, incontinent, and other health issues. Sounds like your mom needs to be watched and cared for around the clock. Your sister who moved in with mom, does she take care of your mom? If not, who does?
Regarding POA, if mom is still at the early stage of Alzheimer's, and is still able to understand what a POA is and wants to assign someone to be her POA, then she can do it with the help of an attorney. If she's too far gone mentally, then it's too late.
Your question: "What can I do?". What is it that you are hoping to do, or have happened?