My mom is in the end stages of Dementia, living at a Memory Care Facility within a mile of my home. Who has final say on my visit?

So, a mile away, EX.director wants you to take her home, Call your social worker, DEMAND HOSPICE, (end of life - my mom graduated 3 times from hospice, then she went to heaven) If you cannot take care of her at home, CALL SOCIAL WORKER, ASK FOR EVALUATION. And Then THEY MAY SAY, IT IS OK FOR YOU TO VISIT MOM AT HER PLACE.
IF NOT, Hospice may offer to take care of her at your home.
This COVID THING IS CRAZY... Neighbor in our area died, spouse is ok. other neighbor family had to go get tested and quarantine till results came back.
If youPUT BOOTIES ON YOUR FEET, double glove, a cloth mask with a huge plastic guard over that, and hand sanitize in front of everyone: HOLD YOUR BREATH. CLOSE YOU EYES, AND RUN LIKE HELL TO MOM'S ROOM: I would think you are ok. AND IF YOU GET HOSPICE IN, THAT MAY GIVE YOU A LEG UP..
good luck: CALL SOCIAL WORKER AND HOSPICE NOW. An operator should be able to answer. Who is her insurance? They should have a 800 number and an operator to answer calls. CALL HER INSURANCE NOW

Could you bring her home with the support of hospice? Could that be made manageable?

Probably depends on how much weight she's losing rather than the actual amount of meals she misses.

Being in FL right now is probably one of the biggest issues with trying to get in to visit. Virus is running rampart through many areas there!

Although it isn't the same, can you visit at her window? I can't with my mother, as her room faces an interior garden area, no access from outside.

If not, can you request a visit outside? They locked down mom's facility around 3/16 (it is IL/AL/MC), but recently have been allowing short visits outside - still have to wear masks and maintain distance, but it's better than nothing! If she can't walk, they could wheel her out to see you.

This kind of visit with my mother will be difficult. She has almost no hearing. With that and dementia it is hard to "visit" and "chat"... add in the mask and distance, it likely won't be much of a visit! I did ask if they had a white board we could use. When I was able to visit, I got her a Boogie Board (LCD screen that you write on with stylus and clear with a button) for writing stuff I couldn't pantomime. It worked great, but it is small enough that we won't be able to use that outside, esp since we both have to handle it. It would be nice if I could go this week - it is her b'day, so some cupcakes, coffee, ice cream, cards and maybe some small gifts should brighten her day anyway! Have to wait for this Tropical Storm now to pass before anything can be planned! What's NEXT!?!?!?

A straight answer from someone would be nice, but then again, we don't have crystal balls, so who knows when your mother's time is up? Although she may appear to be slipping during the phone visits, perhaps it is due to lack of/reduced activity and socialization. Hopefully you can have her checked, by doc, hospice, whoever, and they might be able to say yes or no. Unless it is really clear she is heading downhill quickly, taking her home may work for you, esp if you can arrange in-home help that soon. If they determine she is just in a funk and not actively dying, I would hesitate taking her into your home. If she were to rally and last for more years, how long would you have to provide the care yourself? Once out of the facility, it will be hard to get her back in, if things don't work out.

I agree with leilonnie1 that you need to get hospice involved. My late aunt, who passed away in March, was in hospice and her daughters were able to visit her and be with with her when she passed. This was in New York, when the virus was getting to the highest peak of any other state.

If a resident is on hospice, the facility will usually allow visitors. Is your mother on hospice yet? If not, I'd call her PCP immediately and ask for an evaluation. Find out from the ED if you can come in for a visit once she's on hospice. If not, then your only option is to take her home with you, unfortunately. The Memory Care ED has the final say on who can and cannot visit the residents, I'm afraid. My mother is in one and they're not allowing visitors either, except by window visits or if hospice has been ordered and a resident is actively dying.

If you do decide to take your mom home, be sure to get hospice involved because you'll have a lot on your hands and they can be very helpful

I'm so sorry for all the grief you're going through. Sending you a hug and prayer, dear woman

They will let you see her if she is dying. That pretty much is the rules now in most places. She gave you the only option she has, which is to take your Mom home. She cannot let you visit. If she lets you visit because there is "need" can you imagine the uproar when others found out that you are visiting and they cannot? And that is ignoring the real reason you cannot visit, because if you brought in covid it could turn the place into a death mill. So the rules are set, and heartbreaking they are, especially for someone as faithful and loving as you, who visited your Mom so often.
I will tell you of something I heard on NPR. Woman with husband, in 60s, early onset Alzheimer's who visited him always every evening and watched TV sitting on the bed with him. And then "This", the Covid. She went and asked if she could work there, doing ANYTHING. Now she does. She does dishwashing, sweeping and cleaning, and she is tested and provided the same PPD gear as other workers. And she can sit with her husband each night. She said that she found others who were doing this where they would allow it. You might try this. But a bad or adversarial relationship with the Director who is doing the job she has to (and likely scared to death daily) will go against both you and Mom.
I can't think of anything else. I am so sorry. And so glad that Mom is one of those who can figure out facetime. Wish I could!

Dear "Floridagirl6,"

I am so sorry you are finding yourself in such a heartbreaking situation. The pandemic has certainly wreaked havoc on all our lives causing inconsistencies from state to state, place to place.

I'm curious if your mom is under hospice care within the facility. Also, is she being given any type of medication that may be making her sedated in any way to give the illusion that she's slipping away?

At my mom's new facility in the memory care wing due to nearly dying of severe dehydration and getting COVID, I've been unable to see her in person since March 13th. However, when we did move her to this facility, I was told by our Administrator/Director that should my mom be near death, I would be allowed to come into the facility to be with her. So it's appalling to me that in your situation it's not the case.

Can you call your state's Ombudsman because you seem to be getting nowhere fast with the director on your own - they intercede on behalf of families when there are issues with the facility. They should be able to give you guidance or may even speak with the director on your behalf. In our state, the major cities have their own Ombudsman assigned to that specific city as they are more familiar with the facilities within their designated area. I had to contact ours several times in the last three months with our situation.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that you will be granted the ability to be by your mom's side in her final moments and I hope you will let us know what transpires!