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My father passed away 5 years ago. My mother is now 91 years old and has been very depressed for the past 5 years. Her psychologist has told me she is a little girl who never grew up. My Father did everything for her. Up until now my mother has lived independently in her own home. With my help. My brother and I take her everywhere. She does not drive.


The past month she has been admitted to ER 3 times for not taking her medication and dehydration. The 3rd time she had a mini-stroke. Fortunately, it didn't leave her with any paralysis. However, she is very weak and is a fall risk. The doctors at the hospital told us that she needs rehab and needs to eat to get stronger so they suggested a SNF. She has been there a week and is refusing PT. I feel so guilty about placing her there. I cry everyday (but she doesn't know that). She calls me crying and upset everyday. My brother and I have been seeing her every other day. So in the past 1 weeks she has had visitors almost every day. The facility is very organized and clean. The nurses and staff are taking good care of her.


Before all this happened, we tried hiring in-home care and she fires them as fast as we can hire them. I have also tried Meals on Wheels and several other food services but she doesn't like the food. She was also laying in bed at home not getting up.


I'm so confused and upset. Not sure what to do now! It's effecting my sleep and attitude. My husband is very understanding but...

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If she refuses 3x Medicare will no longer pay for her stay. She will be discharged. Now, since she is not independent any longer your decision is, you bringing her into ur home for care or having her transferred to the nursing side for now. She will have to pay privately or apply for Medicaid if she is low income.

I would also take the phone away. Her being able to call u and upsetting u is not good for either of u. Mom needs to realize she need to do what needs to be done to go home. If there is Dementia, of course she won't understand.

Really sorry, but this is what we all end up facing when it comes to our elderly parents. She is 91 and no longer able to care for herself. Its now what she needs, not want she wants.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Your mom very clearly needs more care than can be given at home. There is no need to feel any guilt; guilt is for those who have done something wrong.

You are doing the right thing by getting you mom the care she needs.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Thanks so much for your insight. It really helps hearing this from people not close to my situation. Mom has some Dementia but very mild. She knows exactly what she is doing and saying. Even the SNF has commented that she is smarter than she lets on and is manipulative.
I think being the daughter I get more of the quilt trip than my brother. As she said to me the other day, "Dad and I were so happy when you were born first." I asked why, her answer, "Girls are born to take care of their parents when they get old."
I realize what she is doing but somehow I need to let it go.
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Reply to Anita300
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Stop feeling bad - you have done what is best for her, she is going to take time to settle and you are feeling bad because you think you should have done something else or could have done better - You can't, you made the best choice, stop beating yourself up or getting upset and give it a bit of time.
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Reply to TaylorUK
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Anita300 Jun 12, 2019
Thanks so much for reaching out to me. It really helps hearing this from other people. Take care.
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Guilt is a self imposed emotion, driven by fear, what are you afraid of? Your mother has liven her whole life on her own terms, she does not understand that this mindset cannot continue...for her well-being...you have to make the right decisions...as she is unable to do so. You have been told by the doctors what she needs and where she needs to be...accept that...you are allowing her to keep you in a prison with invisible bars, you hold the key, unlock the door and let go of the guilt.
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Tiger55 Jun 13, 2019
Agree, Well said Dolly
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Great answers & agree wholeheartedly. &For the sake of your marriage, make sure your mom NEVER lives with you.
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You sound as if you are a loving and caring daughter. However, you have made the right decision. I think all of this on this forum can relate to guilt, frustration, exasperation or all three. However, your mom sounds as if, for her own well-being, she needs someone to supervise her medication.

From someone who is caring for an elderly parent in the home, I urge you to NOT let this be your situation. You might imagine that having the stimulation of family being near and lovingly taken care of will ease things for you and your mother. I would predict that given your description of your mother's depression and mildf dementia, you will simply find yourself in the position of an unpaid nurse/maid. Medications will become a source of contention and stress.

It sounds to be as if you have your mother in a clean, competent SNF. You are visiting her and making sure she is well-cared for. You are doing a great job of seeing to her needs, making sure she is safe and healthy, and showing her love and respect.
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Reply to ruthie1460
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