When we attempt to “prepare” others for good or bad news, we are doing so with the belief that the recipient of the information will be able to USE what he or she is told to anticipate consequences and connect what has been described as in the future for whatever event or activity or change is being prepared for them.
If there is little or no ability to connect past, present, and future, there is no value to presenting it.
Stay in your mother’s present. As calmly as possible on your part, tell her on the day she will be expected in her new residence, that you want her to see a nice place where you have prepared a lovely room with some of her things so she can get some rest, have some company, and meet some people who will help her if she has any concerns or problems.
Assuming that you and the other family who love her have chosen her new residence with the loving commitment that she will benefit from being cared for there, you will call when you get to the parking lot and tell the social service personnel or caregivers who will be welcoming her that “Mrs.——- is here. Could someone came and meet her? We are in the parking lot.”
Then all of you go inside, you give her kisses and hugs and tell her you’ll be back soon, and leave quietly as she is assisted by the MC staff.
Does it always go smoothly? No, but this type of departure is kinder and easier on her than for loving family to remain in hopes that she’ll immediately realize that what is happening is right for her.
The sooner she can allow the staff to care for her, the sooner she will begin to realize that she is in a safe and comfortable place, and that is the ultimate goal.
I took my LO by myself, with no other family members present. I trusted the staff to do their jobs. They did them well.
This may be the hardest, most painful task you will ever need to perform on her behalf. You will want to stay with her, come back the next day, be sure that every detail is perfect, but she will benefit from your calm, quiet departure. Be sure to find out how to contact the care staff, and for your own comfort, contact them the next day. They will tell you when they think she will benefit from a visit.
Trust that you have made the decision that needed to be made in the most loving and conscientious way possible. It will help you to begin the process of letting go.
Hopes that you have a peaceful and productive result in this difficult day.
If your mother seems to be concerned about where she is after the move and still reads, consider writing her a letter or note telling her where she is and why. My mother has lived with me for more than 5 years but recently began waking from a night's sleep or a nap very anxious about not knowing where she is. I posted a note on the wall saying "You're in your bedroom at your daughter's house where you have been living for 5 years." I leave a night light on so she can see the note and the furnishings in the room, which include furniture, decorations, and photos from her home.
At this point don’t be afraid to fib a little. Tell her what she needs to hear to be calm. My folks both had dementia. Mom was mild and dad was pretty advanced when I got them in assisted living. For mom, recovering from a bad fall, THIS IS TILL YOU GET BETTER. Dad with little short term memory, MOM NEEDS YOU HERE TO HELP HER. Sometimes dad thought he was in the hospital, a hotel or on a job site. I leaned to go with whatever HIS reality was at any given moment.
After mom died dad went to memory care in the same facility. It was a very easy move.
I like Ann's post. I placed Mom in an AL and then LTC and both times I didn't tell her till we were actually there that she was going to have a new apartment and meet new people. We did make sure she was settled and then left not making a big show of it. A kiss, a hug and "I will see u tomorrow". My Mom adjusted easily but she was also leaning towards the last stages of her Dementia.
Its like leaving a child the first day of nursery school. My husband was worse than me and it was my mother. But he was like that with our girls to. I would be ready to leave and he'd be there "we won't be long, we will be right back".
When you move her you just say, "Here's your new room." You might show her where her clothes are and check out the bathroom together. If there is a new aide or staff person on hand, introduce them to your mother. " Jessica will help you get drrssed" or some such thing.
It's not easy as they won't remember. We got lucky when we had to move my mom. It was into a new facility which was actually a private home ALF, 6 residents max. I just told her we bought her a new home with staff that live there and take care of her and that it's a house not a building! She loves it!
Don't burden her with expectations that she can understand planning (what's happening tomorrow) or retain information (what she was told yesterday). She can no more do those things than she can run a 4-minute mile.
Instead, focus on reassuring her about what is happening *now* and what you would like her to do. E.g. "time to pop your coat on, we're going for a drive." "Here we are at [name of facility], and this is [name of person leading her care] who has been looking forward to seeing you."
Have you met the people you'll be handing over to?
Imho, perhaps there is no real point in telling her ahead of time at all since her brain functionality will not be able to retain it. Perhaps 20 minutes before you get ready to go, you can come up with a "proverbial fib," e.g. "we're going for a drive," which essentially is not a fib at all. Best wishes.
You don't tell her. She wants to be assured that she is safe. She wants to be sure that she will be cared for. You can tell her that she is safe, that you love her, that she is going to be with people that will care for her and keep her safe. If she asks when she can go "home" ... Tell her that she is home. Tell her that she is safe. Tell her that she is cared for. Tell her that you love her. This will probably be more difficult for you than it really will be for her.
When we attempt to “prepare” others for good or bad news, we are doing so with the belief that the recipient of the information will be able to USE what he or she is told to anticipate consequences and connect what has been described as in the future for whatever event or activity or change is being prepared for them.
If there is little or no ability to connect past, present, and future, there is no value to presenting it.
Stay in your mother’s present. As calmly as possible on your part, tell her on the day she will be expected in her new residence, that you want her to see a nice place where you have prepared a lovely room with some of her things so she can get some rest, have some company, and meet some people who will help her if she has any concerns or problems.
Assuming that you and the other family who love her have chosen her new residence with the loving commitment that she will benefit from being cared for there, you will call when you get to the parking lot and tell the social service personnel or caregivers who will be welcoming her that “Mrs.——- is here. Could someone came and meet her? We are in the parking lot.”
Then all of you go inside, you give her kisses and hugs and tell her you’ll be back soon, and leave quietly as she is assisted by the MC staff.
Does it always go smoothly? No, but this type of departure is kinder and easier on her than for loving family to remain in hopes that she’ll immediately realize that what is happening is right for her.
The sooner she can allow the staff to care for her, the sooner she will begin to realize that she is in a safe and comfortable place, and that is the ultimate goal.
I took my LO by myself, with no other family members present. I trusted the staff to do their jobs. They did them well.
This may be the hardest, most painful task you will ever need to perform on her behalf. You will want to stay with her, come back the next day, be sure that every detail is perfect, but she will benefit from your calm, quiet departure. Be sure to find out how to contact the care staff, and for your own comfort, contact them the next day. They will tell you when they think she will benefit from a visit.
Trust that you have made the decision that needed to be made in the most loving and conscientious way possible. It will help you to begin the process of letting go.
Hopes that you have a peaceful and productive result in this difficult day.
After mom died dad went to memory care in the same facility. It was a very easy move.
Its like leaving a child the first day of nursery school. My husband was worse than me and it was my mother. But he was like that with our girls to. I would be ready to leave and he'd be there "we won't be long, we will be right back".
Instead, focus on reassuring her about what is happening *now* and what you would like her to do. E.g. "time to pop your coat on, we're going for a drive." "Here we are at [name of facility], and this is [name of person leading her care] who has been looking forward to seeing you."
Have you met the people you'll be handing over to?
She wants to be assured that she is safe.
She wants to be sure that she will be cared for.
You can tell her that she is safe, that you love her, that she is going to be with people that will care for her and keep her safe.
If she asks when she can go "home" ...
Tell her that she is home.
Tell her that she is safe.
Tell her that she is cared for.
Tell her that you love her.
This will probably be more difficult for you than it really will be for her.