My mom is getting worse and it is hard taking care of her now. I don't know what to do.

We are an intense crew of caregivers, aren't we?
Yay for us!

Carema,
It was just coincidence that I had just last week experienced similar to your situation.
I would not have known to consider detaching with love had it not been several years on here reading the advice of caring people like Barb, Jeanne, Golden, MsMadge, FregFlyer, and Countrymouse to name a few. In fact, much of what I said was borrowed from them over the years.

They all are a fast study and may take a situation to it's logical conclusion before others are able to understand. In your personal situation, you are already aware of the dangers.

What I am trying to say so awkwardly, is that give everyone a chance to help, considering what will help you and your Mom, and leave the rest. It could have been me jumping to conclusions that won't work in your situation. I just felt that you can be trusted, as I also trust the others who have weighed in to help.

Carema13, if my response was one that hurt you, I apologize for my error. Be well; I hope you can resolve this situation.

Thank you Sendhelp. I just got off the phone with my brother and we discussed at length what needs to be done. Also told him that I have been and will be monitoring her behavior and that I have 3 last resorts before I place her in a facility. I told him what they were. I will not say what they are because of the criticisms from here that have cut me to the core. It was the very last comment that happened to be yours that resonated with me. I felt you truly knew what I am going through and for that I thank you with all my heart. You helped me. You gave me the courage to proceed and make the proper decisions and have them in place when needed. You did that by not criticizing me harshly but by being there and telling me what you went through. For that I cannot thank you enough!

You are so welcome!
Hoping for you that everyone will soon be safe and your Mom will get the care she needs, wherever that may be. You have been a wonderful daughter to care for her and want her to have what she wants ( live at home) plus what she needs.
It is sad when their needs outweigh their wants at times. You will figure this out I am sure. Trust yourself.

Thank you Sendhelp
You truly understand what I am going through.

Carema,
Do you doubt what you have experienced and written about here?
I have been here, read your posts. You are making perfect sense.
I understand your fear and concerns. It is real, it is happening now.

You can, actually support your mother, be her advocate, without taking a shift on the caregiver schedule. I suggest getting another caregiver in, and let your brother deal with the financials. Giving up a shift will leave you as her daughter, and unpaid. That part may become difficult, but in many ways, just being separate, as her daughter, may free you. It won't be any time at all before your brother realizes she requires more care than you and the caregivers can provide. If at home, or in a specially selected home/facility.

Recently, when visiting my loved one/elder, his son (a former addict/sociopath) approached at the AL. I instinctively placed myself (by backing up) behind the wheelchair and my dH at my right side. Deciding today, I need to leave ALL these dysfunctional people (dangerous) to their own devices and lifestyles. It would actually be easier right now to slip into denial and continue trying to be of loving asistance. I hope you don't do that.

Not sure exactly, what I am going to do, the timeline for extricating myself from ALL.
I will start by changing one phone number, and continue thinking, deciding, low key so as not to alert that I am no longer available. Will be using phone games, (did not get your call); not returning texts or e-mails (like they have done to me); and other tricks now that I understand how they function in accord as narcissists and sociopaths to maintain their status quo of some power trip and for their own financial gain. Nobody worry after me, because I will survive. Being ever so careful now.

Since you have trouble standing up to your brother, send him notice that you are quitting your caregiving duties. This is so good that you are NOT living with her.

I know it's difficult, but you (and we!) are very concerned about your safety.

I understand your feelings. When we were trying to get my mother ready to go to the Geri Psych to be mentally assessed my mom got pretty rowdy. At one point she whirled around and made a step or two toward me with a wild look in her eyes and I felt a primal fear deep down in my being. It was so weird and unexpected to feel that way I retreated until I got my wits about me.

I think what caused my fear was something from childhood, that confrontation was a repeat of something that happened maybe 62 years ago when I was a toddler but I don’t know what. I’m planning on seeing a counselor or therapist because I want to know why I felt a primal fear of my mom. It was ‘fight or flight’ definitely and I doubt I fear the little 100 pound lady I was trying to sooth.

By the way, Geri Psych added some medication to my mom’s daily regimen and she is A LOT calmer. I think maybe my mom was abused as a child too. She’s never mentioned it but she did not get along with her mom and HATED her father.

I'm not sure I see your point about APS.  There was a false report filed, you were cleared and APS has it on record that your mom can be threatening.  

Your brother holds POA and is responsible for arranging for her care.

You have knowledge now that your mother is a danger to others and have wisely removed potential weapons. I think it's certainly time to remove yourself from this dangerous situation.

It sounds as though your mom needs to have a psychiatric workup and meds to help with her delusions/paranoia.

I appreciate that it is very difficult to have down-to-earth discussions about disagreeable realities with people who think you can solve everything with a little joke.

Ho ho HO.

So... how do you think you might go about convincing your brother that you are on the verge of a total sense of humour failure?

I meant to add also, your mom is very lucky to have such a caring daughter. :)

Carema, you are in a bad spot so I definitely don't mean to pile on but I think it's on you to explain what's going on to your brother and not expect him to read your mind. Why not bring up your text with him? I hate to say it but it seems like you are afraid of everyone in your family, and that is very sad to me.

Countrymouse.....I am trying my best.

If the situation arises..?

Hasn't it already?

My brother just left my mother's home and I'm home now. NOTHING was mentioned about the text. He kept the conversations light and funny as usual. He didn't pull me aside to talk about the text as I expected he should have. He has made it clear from the beginning that he really doesn't want to know what goes on in my mother's house. That's why he chose to live in another city ...to get as far away from her as possible.....(his words).
At this point I'm just going to take it one day at a time. If the situation arises I will call for help for her to be placed for safety sake and then let him know so that she can be placed permanently.
As I write this it does not make me happy. My mother was physically abused by her mother and often has nightmares about it...the graveyard caregivers tell me about it the next morning. It is for this reason that I hold off in placing her away from her home. I am afraid that even in the best places she can be abused. I don't want that for my mother. I love her so much. This is breaking my heart.

Let us know how the talk with your brother goes. To me it sounds like your poor mom needs to be in a facility, for her safety as well as others' as well. I'm glad your daughter isn't involved in this dicey situation any longer.

Thank you for your responses. I don't live with my mother....Thank God.
Both my older brother and I are her medical POA and he is the financial POA.
He is expected to arrive sometime this morning. He did text me late last night about my text. I just went back to sleep and did not answer him back.
My daughter used to help out with the caregiving but it got to the point that she didn't feel comfortable so I immediately took her off the schedule and found another caregiver.
I am trying my best but while I am here with her I cannot wait to leave and for the next caregiver to replace me. I pray each hour everyday that she does not find any fault with any of the caregivers. I already had to terminate an excellent caregiver recently. She had almost been working with us for nearly a year. My mother accused her of stealing food and so whenever she worked graveyards my mother would freeze all of the food in the fridge. I would hear about her distasteful comments all day prior to the caregiver showing up to work. I was sorry to see her go.

POA brother is the one that would have to sell her property. Don't let the APS perceived threat keep you from moving out! Like others have said, give notice. Your brother is the one responsible for your mother, NOT YOU.

Please, please let us know what happens today when your brother comes over. It would be a perfect time to give him written notice (keep a copy!) that you intend to stop caring for your mother.

My mom had delusions and paranoia as part of her worsening dementia over the years. I got to the point where staying in the house was dangerous as she would sometimes not recognize me or when I locked my bedroom door she would pound on it relentlessly asking who was in her house. She even had a knife at one point so thereafter I stayed in hotel for my own safety.

It’s awful and I don’t know answer. My mom was up all night and slept most of day constantly checking doors and locks and closing blinds.

If you can’t keep or rely on help and mom isn’t safe at home or a potential threat to caregivers; it’s time for residential care. If you must, then sell property and use all her assets to pay for care and/or Medicaid or senior substitence. Your local senior services agency can help you with exploring her options.

For me, we finally got mom placed in memory care where she is thriving, but she had assets including sale of her home that is paying the monthly fee.

Wishing you luck and peace of mind.

Of course leaving is going to be hard. If it were easy you'd have done it by now.

I don't think anyone here is suggesting you do anything APS would object to. No one says just stop going there without telling anyone. Give notice. Give a reasonable time to find a replacement (reasonable for someone who is actually looking) or arrange placement.

I would also call APS and tell them about the scissors and threatening behavior and explain that you have to leave for your own safety and sanity. You don't want bad things for your mother, but you cannot handle this level of mental illness. See what they suggest.

As I'm reading your responses I feel like crying....thank you so much. I cannot just leave because I can be investigated by APS. My felon brother called them one time. He sent me a letter saying that he had called them that morning. The investigator found the accusations unsubstantiated but I did tell her about him, his aggravated stalking cases, a newspaper report done about him and she got scared for herself and me and my kid. So it is not easy to just walk away.
When I was with her today she got that tone in her voice again and I immediately just let her have her way.
Other caregivers have told me that when they go to the bathroom she cuts holes into their jackets and sweaters. I was shocked when I heard this and removed all of the scissors from her house immediately.
My older brother is coming over tomorrow. I spoke with him this morning but he didn't mention anything about the text I sent him. He just kept the conversation light and funny and so I just gave the phone over to my mother.

You have one brother who is doing nothing (the felon), and the other brother who spends a few hours a week with your mother.

And you are spending 12 hours a DAY? How is this unequal distribution of mother-duty in any way fair to you?

I agree with the others; give brother a deadline and then leave.

Keep us updated! We're rooting for you!

I know it will be hard for you, but I agree - you need to get a message to brother. "Done laughing. No joke. Find placement."

Have your caregivers voiced any concerns about their safety ?

You can't control whether your mother is placed or not, but you certainly can control how much time you spend alone with her. Give Brother a deadline, and then leave.

I think if you think it’s time for placement, then it’s time for placement.

I am so sorry you get that uncomfortable, fearful feeling around your Mom. I did too a few times. It wasn’t really anything she said. It was the look in her eyes. I have never voiced that to anyone. Ever. It makes me feel better that others have felt they same way.

Carema, can you tell your brother you are finished with this? You're right to be scared; your mom is not in her right mind, and could actually hurt you, just as you sense she could. A dementia patient my mom was caring for threatened to push her out an upstairs window once; mom locked herself in the bedroom, called for a replacement, and left when they got there - never went back. Not stuff to fool around with. If your brother pooh poohs what you say or ignores you (don't give him more than a day or two to replace you), just stop going; you are a valuable person and this is too risky, sweetie.

Thank you for all your thoughtful, kind, and sweet responses. I really do appreciate it.
I have gone thru this with my deceased father who had vascular dementia and whenever he had an UTI he would act strange, including punching me in the stomach. My mother is against going to doc appts. I make them and then I have to cancel them.
I have two brothers. The younger one is highly bipolar who sends me strange threatening letters to me since my father passed away a few yrs ago. He is a multiple felon and is not scared of the law and the police cannot help me so forget about him.
My older brother is the financial POA and comes once a wk for 2-3 hrs for bills, plays cards and music with her. I tell him how abusive she gets with me but he told me to laugh it off.
This morning when I went in to be with her I sent him a text telling him that it was time to discuss placement.
Haven't heard from him and it is near 10 pm now.

I'm so sorry, Carema. How awful. All the above suggestions are great and I would add not to ignore or try to talk yourself out of your intuition about safety issues.

For now I would also secure and lock up kitchen knives and anything else that could be turned into a weapon.