My mom is exhausted from taking care of my dad. They live in an AL and he has Alzheimers. Any suggestions?

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He is 81, she is 80 & even though they live where they can get help she still is up with him all night and then wonders why she is so exhausted. She is his security blanket & he touches her all night & can't go to sleep with out her. He wants to go bed at 7 pm. Then he gets up to go to the bathroom but he has accidents and makes a mess and may fall changing his depend. She wants to go to her doctor so he can give her something to fix it and I really think it is just because she is so worn out. But she shoots down absolutely every solution I offer her. Go sleep down the hall for a few nights so you can rest. (No, it would be unfamiliar and she couldn't rest well.) Have him stay with us (No, it is too much trouble). Move him to an Alzheimer's unit (no, that would kill him). But I'm afraid what she is currently doing is actually going to kill her. Does anyone have any suggestions? Would my dad get used to sleeping by himself at night? He does worry greatly about her & I do worry this would cause a progression of his disease. But I also worry she might die from exhaustion and then he will die anyway because if she isn't around at all that would be the end of him. Thank you for your help.

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What a vicious circle your poor mother is in.

It is very difficult to think positively about options and suggestions when you are knackered and heart-broken, and none of the options is terribly attractive anyway.

But you are right to be worried for both of them. The worst of both worlds would be your mother's "abandoning" your father by dying; and I wish I could say it's only a risk. The statistics on caregiver health are frightening anyway. What the statistics are on the non-AD half of a couple dying before his/her spouse of the same age, I dread to think; and the aftermath I have seen for myself, and it's tragic.

Does this facility also offer Memory Care? If it does, I should push as hard as you kindly can for respite breaks, at least, or an MCU trial. Your mother needs some unbroken sleep before there's a hope that she'll be able to think practically about her next steps; and if your father is the one to move to a very slightly different location where he will be expertly cared for overnight maybe that could work.
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I understand your mom's position. She is doing her duty by taking care of her husband and is unlikely to opt for any other arrangement. But in doing her duty she is compromising her own health.

Maybe your mom would be open to assistance overnight. An overnight caregiver. A caregiver could come from 8pm-8am. The caregiver could stay in another room, watch tv, play on her phone, read a book she brings along, and be there when your dad needs assistance at night. Your mom can sleep with him but when he gets up in the middle of the night the caregiver will tend to him instead of your mom. Your mom can stay right where she is and after her husband has been cleaned up he comes back to bed and they go back to sleep.

It would take some getting used to on your mom's part. She might be able to accept a caregiver in the house overnight but letting the caregiver do the work might be challenging at first. This is normal. However, once your mom wholeheartedly allows the caregiver to tend to your dad in the middle of the night she might become grateful for the brief respite.
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Designyourown- the couple is already in an AL facility as stated in the question/subject.
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I think that assisted Living like my Mother did long ago would be perfect for them. She can keep her things and her Hubby. It really would be a blessing and then, she can even go to the Hairdresser without Worry. Play Cards with the other folks and he will Sleep well because Mom is still there. She sleeps next to him at Night still. Meds are in order for Dad too. He needs the rest as well. with what he has, he can get aggravated and turn on Mom if he looses enough Sleep and she is taking on way too much. Everyone will get a Break and the Apartments they share are really Nice too.
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They can go into assisted living together and then she would have help while still having her independence and the experts can give him some much needed rest and meds to help with sleep. She will then get a much needed break and all the help she needs while still staying together, Suggest they
move closer to you for help and visiting now and then too.
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Take her to the dr and let mom hear it from dr.
Let dr know what’s going on in advance.
Maybe dr would prescribe sleeping pill for mom and or dad. maybe an extra pad could be put on dad. Maybe you could go to home for a few nights and take dad to bathroom before he wakes mom. Maybe you could hire caretaker a couple of nights to help out each week so she could get rest. Lots of things to try.
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It is a tough situation for both of them. They care for and need each other, and both will suffer if you separate them. Your mother may worry herself sick if she is not there to see to her husband's care.

I tried putting myself in your mother's shoes. If I were her and I really loved and cared for my husband more than myself, would I leave him so that I could get better physically, and let him suffer both physically and mentally? The answer would be no.

They both need more help, but they have to be moved together and stay together, at least for now. To where? I don't know. Nursing home?

Other posters with more experience should be able to offer better suggestions.
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