My mom is a narcissist and makes me feel guilty for everything even though she knows that I am her sole caregiver. How can I deal with this?

"I’m it. She won’t let anyone else take care of her".

OK. Batter up Mom. Time for hard ball!!

A common backstory..

*Aging in Place* is a peaceful scene of a sweet elder rocking blissfully on a porch swing with a house full of endlessly patient caregivers sharing the load.

Oh wait, did I say peaceful scene? I meant magical DREAM 🌈🦄

The reality is it can take a village of people.

Now the barriers to arranging the village helpers can vary. Some barriers will be yours, many will be your Mom's.

Love (luv my Mom so much just want to do it all myself) Trust (elder trusts only you)
Fear (other non-family people, no way!) Or
Entitled (I brought you up - you owe me). Many others reasons too, money of course.

If you decide this IS reasonable, then some of the barriers fall away. You are left to re-train your Mom. Not *convince* but *re-train*.

1st step: The Chat. Can't do it all myself Mom. Not reasonable. Getting more helpers around here.

2nd step: Don't ask. Just do.
Start small, hire a cleaner, then a sitter while you go out for 2 afternoons a week. Then you walk out the door, tantrum or not.

Thoughts?

Mom can't really make you feel guilt, or any other way really - your feelings are up to you. Let the crappy stuff wash over you & ignore. It takes practice. (So easy to say but so hard to do 😣 - I struggle with this too 😫).

Do you NEED to be her sole caregiver? What other help, assistance, services do you use?

Sorry your mom is difficult. Knowing that she is a narcissist, you can probably learn to not allow her to make you feel guilty. Find ways to be strong, set boundaries and let her attempts to control you fail, over and over again.

Narcs will never accept responsibility for their behavior. Are you familiar with the gray rock technique? Many people suggest to do this.

Don’t get angry. Don’t give her any fuel to feed the fire. That’s what a narc feeds on. Walk away when you are able to. Hang up the phone when a conversation gets out of hand. Your profile mentions Alzheimer’s disease, this makes your situation even more challenging.

There are many people on this forum who have been in your shoes for many years. I am sure that you will receive many answers to your posting.

Best wishes to you.