My mom is 83 and used to be very active and outgoing. As she has aged, she developed a lot of social anxiety and fears. Is this common?

The last couple of years changed so many people. There was more isolation that probably ever before in our lifetimes. It probably had profound change in people. She more than likely will die sooner if she remains sedate than if she keeps rallying. You're a peach to attend things with her to help her.

I say, keep pushing her to keep moving. As my grandmother said - I plan to wear out. I don't want to rust out. She kept moving and digging in her dirt until she passed. She couldn't dig as fast as she used to, but she still had the determination to move a mountain (or a fairly large tree!!) if she needed to.

Nothing is common nowadays but I know a lot of people especially since covid are not the same. A lot have anxiety and have become more introverted... However, it could be a medical condition and she definitely should be checked out. I don't like medicine and drs prescribing meds for everything and a lot at that but, perhaps she might benefit from one thing or a herb or soft music that can calm her down and relax her. Anytime she is relaxed take note of her surroundings or what is going on so you can use that any time of the day or night to help her cope if she gets scared or has anxiety... I would not leave her especially out. You never know what might come over her or scare her and cause an accident. Keep a close eye on her. Please don't give up on her. She's 83 she's aging and it's part of aging. We all are going to change and need help. Be careful of how you treat her or how you asses the situation. And yes she will get worse if you give up on her or don't do things with her. Not push her but she may take you not doing those things as not caring. You have to understand how hard that must be to be one way and independent and now she is at the age and point in life where she may have pain walking or getting up or being slow, and maybe forgetful or being scared. You might not see it but she could be terrified by herself about what is happening to her and not know why... Imagine not knowing how or why something is happening and you can't fix it... Just be mindful of her age and what happens to people at any point when they reach the point that they start becoming more needful than before. Life can be hard. And it's worse going through it alone or feeling like your going through it alone. Be nice and do all you can now. If not you might regret it when she's gone. And make sure if possible she watches enjoyable shows or things that make her happy or laugh... Not news... She could be watching certain things that are scaring her. Especially certain channels and the things that are going on in the world today. If it's a day where she doesn't want to go out make sure she watches if possible, things that are neutral or non political or sad things.. Especially if it's all day.... I wish you and your mom well and I hope you find the will and patience to hang in there and your mom gets the help she needs to be at peace and relaxed where she and you can enjoy the rest of her life.... Good Luck!!

cclaudia915: If dementia is a factor per your profile, perhaps your mother cannot engage in the activities that you have set up. It may be a good idea for a physician visit and/or a neurologist appointment.

She needs to see her doctor and you should give him/her a written list of what you have shared here about the behaviours that concern you. It well could be depression. Losing friends isn't easy. Having dementia isn't easy. Meds may help her.

Your profile says your mom has dementia. My mom is the same as yours. Doesn't want to do much and most things are just too hard for her to do and she would get very anxious about how to put together and enact a plan to do anything. It was just too overwhelming - and this was when she was in the MCI moving toward mild dementia stage.

I would go with her to the senior center and church group, at least the first time or two, to make sure she can navigate and fit in with what's going on. We live half an hour from the senior center and I would have had to drive her and spend time and I just didn't have the time to commit to that. But I think it would have benefitted her. Now she's in AL and muddling through as best she can.

After you go to funerals for 5 friends, close or not, it is a very sobering experience. Not only that, it is hard to make new, true friends, not just acquaintances. My Mom at 95 declared she had no friends as they all had passed. She was correct. Thankfully, she turned to us. People like her are ripe for senior scams and catfishing.

With all the talk of "Karen", she just might have seen a bit of herself in there and realized that she really didn't want to be that way....or worse....she saw a Karen in action and saw herself.

It could be as simple as she has no "future" goals.

If she is using a walker, she might be unsure of what she can and cannot do and think she is a hinderance because she has a walker. Maybe she used to be critical of those with walkers and canes and the reality has hit that she is now one of THEM.

I think your Mom is in a bit of a depression and trying to figure out her future. I think your role here is to get her confidence back up and help her find some goals.

The way you do this is to let her call the shots, reduce some of your assertiveness (aggressive? behavior) around her, and don't point out her "non-assertive" behavior. If you see a line, ask her which one she would like to be at and go to that one, even if it is the longest one. The longer line might be calming to her as the congestion of people can make one anxious, especially if she is using a cane or a walker. She might be afraid of someone bumping into her. Do keep your voice down, make the conversations private between you and her (that is being respectful between you and her and everyone around you). Ask her for her opinion and follow it. Include her in conversations when appropriate. As you are taking her shopping, try to help her find something to live for....maybe a cruise or a trip by the shore, or visiting somewhere she has never been before. My Mom had a walker and walked on the shores of Greenland (and over a gravel surface before she reached asphalt). Even the person with a motorized wheelchair couldn't do that.

Put yourself in her shoes and try to understand what is limiting her.

My Mom hated the senior center, however, once she slowed down a lot, she loved it. Find out what is going on with the church. If she used to be active and now she isn't, there could be one or more people that she doesn't want to be around. Maybe the work she used to do, can't be done by someone in a walker. If that is the case, go and see if there are other things she could do.

Is your Mom healthy enough to volunteer? Go to a senior faire and look for the places looking for volunteers. Look for booths whose exhibitors have the same values. We need people who can sit at a booth and distribute information about us. Elderly volunteers attract other elderly volunteers.

Certainly see a doctor to ensure there is nothing medically wrong with her.

Good luck. Take it slow, and build her confidence. She sounds like she's a go-getter...and she needs your help to get around an obstacle (real or imagined) in her life.

The key thing is that however common fear and anxiety might be in general, they were not normal for your mother until recently. Any marked change like this wants reporting to her doctor, and I think I'd mention the avalanche of losses she suffered last year, too.

Is she going to the activities you set up for her?

If the social anxiety and fear came about suddenly, it could be from something that happened to her. Maybe someone was unkind to her at a store or other public place... people say the most obnoxious things sometimes (just look at some of the horrific 'unfiltered' interactions on social media). That would be enough to unnerve anyone, especially someone elderly who is already too aware of her physical decline. Have you asked her straight out if something like this happened?

My FIL went through social anxiety after his wife died. He was living in a senior apartment and became so anxious just from being alone. Once he moved into Independent Living, though, he loved it because he told me he felt SAFE, had people his own age he could talk to, and then became more like his old self. Nurses were there if he needed help, and he was around people all the time.

Has she participated in any of the Senior center and church activities? If not, she just may need time. Have you gone to any of these with her, or does she have any family or friends her age who would want to go? I think going into any new social setting by yourself is cause for anxiety whether you're 8 or 80.

Getting old sure ain't for the faint of heart, I think this with every passing year. Good luck to you and mom.

Edited Post: I use a Walker, and have definitely run into very negative safety issues where I was afraid. With that said - if you or someone else is with her, those safety issues should not be a concern.

Call mom's PCP and discuss depression on her part......shes exhibiting all the classic signs. Wellbutrin helped my mom a LOT when she was acting the exact same way after a pretty long illness and 2 hospital stays. Huge turnaround happened wi a short period of time after the anti depressants were prescribed.

My brother & I tried to get my mother to move into AL 12 years ago, over the years she kept saying no. She lived 700 miles from us in a mountain home in NC, you had to be a billy goat to get in or out.

She sat and watched game shows all day, sat by herself.

Finally she had a slight stroke, then she was afraid to stay alone at night.

We swooped her up and took her to FL, sold her house and she has been in AL for 3 years, and guess what? She loves it, new friends, activities around people her age. So there you go, she forgot all about being afraid, she is happy.

A Geriatric Psychiatrist can educate you and medicate mom - it's a win-win situation.

In retrospect, my mother's increased anxiety was the first symptom of her Mild Cognitive Impairment. It took us a LONG time to realize that her anxiety was not the primary issue; it turned she'd had a stroke, had lost most of her reasoning ability and executive functioning and was in fear and dread of EVERYTHING.

Her regular doc saw nothing wrong.

It took a geriatrics doc two visits to send her to a geriatric psychiatrist. After one visit with the geriatrics psych, she re-jiggered mom's anxiety meds and called me to get a full neuropsych workup. The results staggered us.

I would start with a visit to a geripsych to assess for both depression and cognitive issues.

AARP says that unaddressed anxiety in elders is one of the most troubling medical problems in that age group, and has suggested that questions regarding anxiety be addressed in yearly physical workups.

It is likely time for this to be discussed with your mom and her doctor. It is always difficult to understand how much of this wishing not to be involved is "normal" and how much is anxiety-induced. Your mom and you BOTH may want to attend a few counseling sessions with a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice to fully talk this out.

If your mom's decision is to stay home, not participate, then I think your pushing and prodding may only hurt her the more. However, if there ARE things she likes still to do, and feels unable for some reason, that is another thing, and it's important now to TALK and know what her wishes are. If that can be ascertained I say the ball is in her court. We lose all too much as we age too add our making of our own decisions to the pile.

I sure wish you the best and I understand your worries come from a caring heart, but in the end, this is your mom's decision.

It sounds like your mom is suffering from some depression/anxiety. Perhaps talking to her Dr. about getting her on some kind of antidepressant or anxiety medication would help.
I know that with all the Covid lockdowns that many people developed an unhealthy fear about many things and became depressed and anxious, so perhaps that's what happened with your mom.
I hope that she will let you take her to the Senior Center(just drop her off, don't stay)as I think once there, she will actually enjoy herself, and let go of some of her anxiety.
Bless you for taking the necessary steps to get mom back on track with living and enjoying her life.