I'm not sure I am physically and definitely not emotionally. It turns out to be one of our more stressful things we do together. But on the way back home is usually when things get dicey. I remember the last time, was almost home a few miles out of town and I had a bad anxiety attack. We had been at each others' throats arguing. :(

My heart can't take those scenes anymore. Also, I'm tired of faking it just to let everyone off the hook as I'm doing soooo great with her and it's not like that. It is tense and I can't function afterwards. It has been since April. I want to see him but not with her. I keep putting it off.

I can't see myself making her look like a good mother at my expense when that is all it is. Recap about brother. He is in AL and is mentally ill. Still able to go out to eat with us and such, shopping at Walmart but my nerves are frayed when she tries to manipulate him through me. He doesn't seem to notice so there is no point in me talking to him about it. I don't want to stress him anymore either.

As long as he is safe and being well taken care of, I should wait until I can slip away and go see him by myself. But once she finds out (and she will) then my punishment will begin. I am venting here but I think I should wait until she has moved out and then go see him.

This kills me more than anything else I post on here.

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I was a volunteer telephone counselor many years ago, and had no previous background. I don't choose to spend my time here on people who just want "tea and sympathy" with no intention of changing the circumstances of their lives. I tell it like it is. Sometimes people here actually change their circumstances (stop enabling their parent, move out of their parent's home, move their parent out of their home, etc.). I am most impressed by these posters. They are not the norm, though.

BTW, if you are standing up to your bully mother, then what exactly has changed since your posts in May?
Helpful Answer (1)

CTTN55, here is something I have learned from this forum. If I can stand up to bullies like my mother, then certainly I can stand up to someone such as you. If you are a counselor I might suggest you don't add your judgement and just do your best to listen to those calling. And for me letting 'us' know means letting you know. If you feel like I'm doing a poor me, aint it awful thing-then scroll on. Is my suggestion to you.
Good job putting someone on a support board on the defensive.
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RBuser1, I've just skimmed your past posts. What's changed since May? You complain if people tell you to make her leave (you'd found her an apartment some months back; what happened with that/).

Is she still (legally) mentally competent? If so, then why don't you let her move back to wherever it is she wants to move back to, and just back off? You've listed anxiety, stress illnesses, the need to be on meds because of her, etc. You said months ago that you wouldn't be taking her on the road trip to see your brother anymore. Why are you considering it again?

We care what happens to YOU.

But maybe you just want to vent, and really don't want to change anything? When I did telephone crisis counseling, we called such callers "poor me, ain't it awful, yes but" people. If you are one of these, that's fine; please just let us know.
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Here’s the thing about faking it around family, I bet you’re very good at it. I was good at it too. We learn to fake it for them but we can’t fake it for us. It backfires on us because it makes us sick.

To thine own self be true! I think Shakespeare was onto something there, don’t you?

When you need a break, you need a break! I remember the first time I realized I was not going to kill myself cooking for three days for a huge holiday meal making everyone’s favorite dish! It was liberating!

My mother hated it. Did not even believe me when I said I was done. Sure enough, my brother called and asked what time should he come over and she turned to me and asked for a time for him to arrive. Her attempt at putting pressure on me in a passive aggressive manner.

I did not cave and repeated that I was not ever doing large meals again and I was only cooking for our immediate family. She was floored but she didn’t ask again. She knew that I meant business. Oh, she got her digs in. I heard the insults but I didn’t care.

Guess what my husband and kids said? “Wow, this was a great holiday without them here!” My daughter had dumped her crappy boyfriend that year and it was a much better year for all of us. Do what makes YOU happy! They will survive.

I stuck to it. I did all the holiday meals for decades! From that year on I never did it again.
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Rbuser1 Oct 2019
Bravo!! I bailed out of going to a Thanksgiving for my own sanity one year. My Mom was able to find a way there and guess everyone made it through. I was in a deep depression. I couldn't and wouldn't be around 'people' that year.
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When they ask "why can't you?" you tell them that they are more than welcome to make the trip with her themselves.

No one...NO ONE is going to look out for your mental and physical health but you.

35 years ago, I had my 3rd child. I had a 4 year old and a 2 year old as well. Labor Day weekend came and my "then" husband insisted that we take a 2 hour each way trip to his parents' home for the annual BBQ. I said, nope, you take the girls, baby boy and I are staying home to rest (baby boy was 4 days old). Husband yelled screamed threatened told me I didnt love him what would his mom think everyone wanted to see the baby I was a terrible person......

I didn't go. It was the first time I ever said no to him.

It CAN be done. Learn not to care what others think. THEY aren't doing the work.
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You said it sister....wait till she moves out and THEN go see your brother, in peace and quiet, as it should be. Don't let this decision kill you.....just make it, and then don't look back. Self care is the key here. These women ALWAYS bounce back from whatever crisis they face.....because they CREATE the crisis and WE are the poor slobs who have to recuperate from it! Not this time. This time, you'll choose not to enter into the game, even if it means you'll face her punishment. You can face ANYTHING now that you know her remaining tenancy is short lived!


Press on, my've GOT this :)
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Rbuser1 Oct 2019
It is the family pressure I dread. The ones who will say..why can't you?
You are right. Lord, I miss my independence. thanks Lealonnie.
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