My mom has vascular dementia in stage 4 and my father's drinking is getting out of control. Any advice?


My father's drinking is getting out of control. He fell down the stairs last Sunday, we had to rush him to hospital. His vocal behavior towards my mom is horrible if he is drinking. Really upsetting here, then she doesn't know him.




Has your dad always abused alcohol or is this a new thing? I wonder if his drinking is his way of dealing with your mom's dementia or if he's always had a problem with alcohol.

You won't be able to change your dad's behavior regardless of what you say or how much you plead. He has to want to change and if drinking is his only coping skill he's not likely to give it up.

Have you considered a nursing home for your mom? I'm sure that's the last thing you want for her. Or the second to last next to her having dementia and living with a husband who verbally abuses her when he's drunk. But it would get her out of harms way.

Many times when there's a substance abuser in the home everyone's lives revolve around that person. It can be a very toxic environment. But right now your mom needs taking care of and she needs to not be the target of a drunken, resentful husband. If you can get your mom into a facility then maybe your dad can get back up on his feet as well.

Things won't get better on their own. They won't "work themselves out." Your parents are dealing with two progressive diseases, dementia and alcoholism. These illnesses only get worse as time goes on.

Concentrate on what your mom needs right now since there's nothing you can do about your dad's behavior. Do you have the support of your siblings? What do they say?
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Reply to Eyerishlass

We are in Ireland, my father just won't take a break , I am the youngest of 8 , I'm 47 years old and moved home from Spain to help my dad look after her. He is great with her when he is not drinking but when he is he is very fusterateed . I have tried talking to him when he is sober, tried reasoning with him but he still goes drinking this is his 4th fall since October that I know off. I love looking after my mom and dad . But he is making it so much harder . He upsets her so much it's verbal abuse and she does not know what's going on. I am at my wit's end
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Reply to Abo1970

Abo, your parents are going through something they never would have thought would happen to them. This isn't the retirement they had in mind. Men tend to like to fix things, and they can't fix dementia, so it can be very frustrating for your Dad.

Your Dad drinking could be from being physically and emotionally exhausted trying to care for your Mom. As you know late stage dementia changes the person's personality to a point where you don't recognize the person.

Any chance your Mom could go into a continuing care facility? If your parents cannot budget for this, then applying for Medicaid would be a great help as Medicare will pay for room, board, and medical care. That way you Dad could visit Mom, and try to catch his breath. Dad needs to be a husband, not a tired caregiver.
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Reply to freqflyer