My parents live in another state from me (across the country). They are 89 and 90 (Mom 89, Dad 90). My dad is an alcoholic and does nothing each day but sit and drink. He has limited eye site (macular degeneration, cataracts) and has always been a difficult person. My mom has dementia but refuses to go to the doctor and get assessed. So her memory is getting worse. She cannot remember anyones name (family or friends) and she is becoming mean. They have more than enough money to live on (two houses fully paid for and pensions plus at least 1MM in investments).
They need help but refuse to let anyone come into their home. They really need guidance with their finances and I have tried to automate their finances (automatic payment of numerous bills and help with food delivery and taxi services). But they refuse to give me POA. Which I am now pretty OK with as they are getting more and more difficult to handle.
My life has become difficult trying to deal with them. They asked me to take over their finances but I told them I need POA to do so. My mom then called the police to have me arrested because I would not let her buy tickets and fly to FL (they have a condo there). I have no control over what they do with their money.
Yes, I realize that is the dementia but what am I supposed to do? Trying to help just brings more conflict. This is not everything that has occurred but I am just so done with them. They both lost their licenses but mom continues to drive. She complains about my dad's drinking but then goes to the store and buys him more. They scream at each other on the phone when I call. They have both been hospitalized but then they create so much trouble (threaten to sue if their wishes are not met) that they get sent home. I am so sad, I just can't take much more. I want to just stop interacting with them.
1. you are agonizing from across the country about your parents
2. you apparently care for them --even in the present-- and want to make their lives easier.
3. alcoholism and dimentia are 2 incurable diseases --- but there are some thinks that can make it better.
YOUR MOM:
1. her dimentia is crowding out her good thinking. She's scared of getting old, being unable to care for her husband (enabling), and is clueless about any financial problems.
YOUR DAD:
1. of course he doesn't want to move anywhere more restrictive. How will he get his alcohol. He has 'turned off' your mother's wild behavior.
YOU Can:
1. Do your homework: find a social worker who works with the elderly. Start the conversation. This person may suggest a lawyer --inless you know the name of your parent's lawyer. They can't talk to you, but you can talk at them. Same with their doctors.
2. Write a letter to your parent announcing that you are coming for a few weeks to help them sort out paperwork, stuff, etc. Then, arrange for the time off, sadly use up vacation, sick days or family leave time.
3. Then go! This is important! Their estates need to be updated, their lawyer can suggest POA and wills and MPA.
4. This will not be fun for ANY of you. I'm sure they had many weeks when the tables were turned when they dealt with you.
5. Try to find/remember the love. Kindness will make you sane.
Although the stress this is causing/will further cause you - they are living the way they have chosen (if that is any sort of consolation).
"The Right to Rot" my Doctor called it.
If your Dad can have his vision helped, maybe he will feel better about himself.
As for your Mom, do you know if she has had a recent Urinary Tract Infection test? Such an infection can mimic dementia and can also cause meanness in older folks.
If she does have an UTI, it can be corrected with antibiotics.
As for dementia, my parents were tested yearly by their primary doctor, it's a simple test such as drawing a copy of a box or bed. Drawing a face of a clock and for a set clock time. Naming words that begin with a certain letter of the alphabet. Counting backwards from 100 minus a certain number. Naming 3 animals shown. Remembering 6 words which will be asked for later on. Since I was 65 my primary doctor has given me the same test. The doctor checks to see if there are any major changes.
You can't save your parents from themselves. It often takes a crisis situation for parents to be forced into managed care against their will. That's when you get to swoop in and make decisions and/or get POAs foisted upon you. And that's when the real 'fun & games' begin, so 'enjoy' your freedom while you still have it. I don't mean to sound cavalier with that statement either, b/c I DO understand how awful you feel and how helpless you truly ARE in the face of them falling apart, literally. But what CAN you do when they've tied your hands like this? Nothing. Sad but true.
One day, they'll get sent to the ER and they WON'T get sent back home after issuing some idle threats to the staff. That's when everything will change, but not until then. You can definitely ask APS to pay them a visit and do a 'wellness check', but it seems an elder has to be living in absolute squalor with rats chewing up the mold infested house before they actually DO anything to remove the elders from their home.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
Since you live across the country you have the beauty of simply not talking to them.
Or--
You could go 'boots on the ground'--letting them know in advance you are coming with an agenda. Have them evaluated. Have complete physicals. Tell them that if they don't name you POA, you are just going to go right back home and good luck to them. BTW, being POA is a pain, not a gift!
Hopefully you could also get them to draw up a will and have it 'put to bed' before you come home.
A dx of dementia will be necessary for you to act for your mom. Your dad's alcoholism--that's a different story.
Can you be tough with them? I hate to see families function under a 'regime' as it were, but sometimes it's necessary.
Have mom's DL revoked and make sure her car is either sold or disabled.
Leave your return ticket open ended, as you may have to leave early.
Get your dr to give you some Valium so at least ONE of you is calm.
When you get home. Change your phone number.
My heart hurts for you--it's been this way your whole life, I bet.