I'm sorry that AgingCare can't get personally involved in each problem. What we try to do on the fourm is give people a chance to help each other. While we'd love nothing more than to give people one place they can go to see if they can get paid to help their elder, or find other help, the way the system is set up is that each state is different. AgingCare can't change that fact. Even the great organization Area Agencies on Aging isn't available everywhere, nor is Cash and Counseling (neither is available to me). The National Family Caregiver Support Program is available in every state - but each state can change it to fit their own views. We hope, by providing a forum for people to discuss their issues, they at least come away with the knowledge that they aren't alone. For specifics, people generally have to seek local help -through their state, county, social services etc. The state Web sites generally - and I say generally, as not all states do this well, either - provide the best contacts for each person to start. We'd like to "solve" problems, but we can't. We don't have that ability. What we can do is provide you with articles on how to help ease the stresses that you are going through and deal with specific topics related to your daily elder care tasks.
If you have any suggestions for articles that you would like to read, let us know. We do hope most of you find help chatting with each other on the forum, and if you feel there are ways we could improve the community please share your ideas with us!
Thank you for sharing your concerns. Take care, Carol
It's so sad to hear the same CRYS for help over and over and over again. There is not much help from the folks who run this site either. Their sappy long arsed pages of what they so call information leads you nowhere. It is vague information and it differs from state to state. They just gloss over stuff here in their long winded articles back to us, but I have no help what so ever from them. The only help I have found is in each other here. The caregivers themselves.
Is one of her doctors a pychaiatrist? Because those are the only meds that helped calm down my erratic mother that started this trip downhill a year ago. So I have been in my venture a year now. Please see if they can get her into seeing a pysch! Their meds are a blessing!!!!! Old people just become self interested at this point, they don't care how much they inflict their pain upon others, it's them against the world and many times don't even want to help in their own situations. I have seen countless caregivers here work themselves to the bone to keep these old folks going with a bunch of heartache and physical drudgery to go with it. Please keep your psyche in shape by not letting them get to you, cause I believe many of them thrive on getting to you playing the guilt trip. My mother was crying about dying already 2 years ago...all to get attention. I have learned last year the hard way that my mother was always a Narcissist AND had Narcissistic Personality Disorders. Folks with personality disorders just lead themselves to dementia and alzheimers..it's almost a direct path from my observations over a year now from hearing other folks stories over time.
Linda, it's time for some self-preservation to kick in now. It's one thing to treat you bad, being the daughter you probably have a higher tolerance for it, but when it spills over to your husband/children being hurt, she needs relocation. Your first priority is your family (husband, children) then outwards from there. As long as she's being taken care of by SOMEONE, and not living on the street starving, you've done your duty and have nothing to feel guilty about.
she refused to give and will fight me about it, she wants to go home she has been living with me for the last year,doctors all say no she says i will and i can not take the fighting it is tearing my home life with family apart she treats my husband terrible treats him like her servant and her doctors will not help me ,the nurse i called said can't help you call police to take her away!!!
Is it time for a new doctor? I have been fighting with the "new improved" multi-clinic / hospital system here wherer the many button phone system ruins all personal contact. My troubles ...
Your problems are horrible! Are you her only resource of care or are there other family members brave enough to take her on. You family must need a freekin' break!
Where are you? Please write more. Lets do something here ...........
TO ANSWER A FEW QUESTIONS ,I AM THE ONLY CHILD MY FATHER HAS PASSED AWAY ALREADY AND SHE IS 83 AND WE HAVE ALREADY TRYED HER LIVING AT HOME WITH A CAREGIVER WHO STOLED 7,000.00 DOLLOAS FROM HER AND WAS IN PROCESS OF STEALING ALL SHE HAD WHEN WE FOUND OUT BUT SHE STILL DEMAND SHE GO HOME WHICH ALL HER DOCTORS SAY NO TO.
I understand completely. My father died 23 years ago, and I stepped into his shoes. I was a good and dutiful daughter all of my life. When my father died, I paid all of my mothers bills for the past 23 years. I almost died in an accident in 2002. It took me 3 years to get back on my feet. I moved into a 3 BR townhouse with my 2 kids. She began saying she was tired of all the utilities bills, yard, etc. She stated she would never live in an apartment or with a child that was married or with any men around the premises. I took on a $300,000 mortgage and moved her in with me. It has been 5 years. She became very cruel to me and the kids. I paid for everything. I am not married or dating. I got sick, and she refused to drive me less than 5 miles to the hospital in the car I bought her. The cruelty escalated. Finally, I told her I couldn't live like this anymore. I offered to buy her a condo by me, she refused. She secretly called another sibling and told them "she" couldn't stand it anymore, hated it here, and felt that she had to get out. She even told my sister she didn't even want to come back to get her clothes. We took her to the train station so she could go check things out where my other sister is. She treated us like dirt at the station. My son and daughter tried to hug and kiss her, but she turned her head, wouldn't speak to them, and would not allow them to hug her. I tried to hug her and wish her a nice trip, and she shunned me. My mother has never done anything like that since I took my first breath. My children were hurt, especially my son. So while others are taking up for the elderly, please understand that we as caregiving children don't have to be treated with unbelievable cruelty after we have gone broke trying to care for an elderly mother who was not satisfied no matter what I did. With my father gone, I suddenly felt as if I had lost my mother too. I got so depressed that I contemplated suicide. I cry myself to sleep every night. You will have to FORCE her to move like I did. It won't be pretty, but if you don't do it...you will either lose your mind or your family. I had no idea that other things were taking place that were hurting my children while she was living with us. Imagine the negative impact she is having on your family. I can take the blow, but I will not allow ANYONE to mistreat my children. I don't think this is what the bible meant when it stated to "honor thy father and mother". I have and always will respect her...but cruelty to my children gave me the strength to demand that she leave. I never knew she was capable of such cruelty...especially when I gave her all that I had for 23 years...and it still wasn't enough. I know it's hard, but find a way to end the suffering on your part. As an adult, you have a right to privacy in your own home. Keep trying, until you find the answer. My heart is broken, and I am severely depressed. I knew we had to part, but I didn't count on the cruelty. I don't think she ever loved me. I think she was just using me...even my doctors told me to relocate her two years ago..but I kept on trying to make it work. I have other siblings, but they were never bothered. I was required to handle everything by myself. Now she's gone, and the phone doesn't ring at all. I still love my mother...I just won't allow her to hurt me or my children again. I will still pay her car note, and send money to my sister for her expenses. That is what my father taught me...to give love, even though you are receiving hate. I wanted to encourage you to KEEP SEARCHING AND DON'T STOP. Every problem has a solution, and it's important that you find the answer for your situation before something happens to you or your family. One reason I did not take my own life is because I promised my son I would be there for him, and he is only 15 years old. That is how devastating this whole thing has been for me...I wanted relief from it...any way I could get it. Luckily, God stepped in and sent an angel with a positive message for me...and that is the only reason I am here...typing this message to you
I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you two today and I wish you both well. Unless someone is going through this - they have absolutely no idea how hard it is - even when you love and care about your parents)... I am so sorry for what you are going through...
While we'd love nothing more than to give people one place they can go to see if they can get paid to help their elder, or find other help, the way the system is set up is that each state is different. AgingCare can't change that fact.
Even the great organization Area Agencies on Aging isn't available everywhere, nor is Cash and Counseling (neither is available to me). The National Family Caregiver Support Program is available in every state - but each state can change it to fit their own views.
We hope, by providing a forum for people to discuss their issues, they at least come away with the knowledge that they aren't alone. For specifics, people generally have to seek local help -through their state, county, social services etc. The state Web sites generally - and I say generally, as not all states do this well, either - provide the best contacts for each person to start.
We'd like to "solve" problems, but we can't. We don't have that ability. What we can do is provide you with articles on how to help ease the stresses that you are going through and deal with specific topics related to your daily elder care tasks.
If you have any suggestions for articles that you would like to read, let us know. We do hope most of you find help chatting with each other on the forum, and if you feel there are ways we could improve the community please share your ideas with us!
Thank you for sharing your concerns.
Take care,
Carol
Is one of her doctors a pychaiatrist? Because those are the only meds that helped calm down my erratic mother that started this trip downhill a year ago. So I have been in my venture a year now. Please see if they can get her into seeing a pysch! Their meds are a blessing!!!!! Old people just become self interested at this point, they don't care how much they inflict their pain upon others, it's them against the world and many times don't even want to help in their own situations. I have seen countless caregivers here work themselves to the bone to keep these old folks going with a bunch of heartache and physical drudgery to go with it. Please keep your psyche in shape by not letting them get to you, cause I believe many of them thrive on getting to you playing the guilt trip. My mother was crying about dying already 2 years ago...all to get attention. I have learned last year the hard way that my mother was always a Narcissist AND had Narcissistic Personality Disorders. Folks with personality disorders just lead themselves to dementia and alzheimers..it's almost a direct path from my observations over a year now from hearing other folks stories over time.
What a nightmare!!!
Is it time for a new doctor?
I have been fighting with the "new improved" multi-clinic / hospital system here wherer the many button phone system ruins all personal contact.
My troubles ...
Your problems are horrible!
Are you her only resource of care or are there other family members brave enough to take her on.
You family must need a freekin' break!
Where are you?
Please write more.
Lets do something here ...........
How old is this unhappy woman?
I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you two today and I wish you both well. Unless someone is going through this - they have absolutely no idea how hard it is - even when you love and care about your parents)... I am so sorry for what you are going through...