My mom has lived with my brother 10 years. His alcoholic daughter and 2 children moved in. Mom calls me with questions. What do I do? - AgingCare.com

My mom has lived with my brother 10 years. His alcoholic daughter and 2 children moved in. Mom calls me with questions. What do I do?

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Mom calls me with questions on what to do. What do I do? Mom calls upset telling me she is wore out from taking care of kids. She says their mother just drinks and sits in front of the computer and sleeps most of the time. Basically my 85 year old mother (65% hearing loss in both ears, diagnosed with dementia, her eye sight is not real well, and she has other mental and emotional problem) keeps calling (sometimes 4-6 times a day) me to give her the answer to her problems. I have lived in that disfunctional home off and on for years. I finally got out for good, but she keeps dragging me back to it by her constant fretting and complaining. I can’t help her. I try to direct her to stop trying to control the situation. those are not her children, and if she keeps taking care of them what’s nothing her will never change. My brother does nothing. He is not her friend. He has several mental and physical issues. He is my oldest brother. Him and my other brother, now deceased took me to court after I had taken care of my mom for 3 1/2 years without their help, and bashed me with lies to the court. It’s another long story. But I cannot take my mom because of it. Although I wouldn’t want to because she flys off the handle at random for stupid little things. So basically I got away from it all. I live 10 hours away. Do you have any advise on how to handle this? My mom was at the birth of my three daughters, we have always been the closest of any of my siblings. She depends on me, but I cannot help her and it’s going to start weighing in me again before to long if I don’t find an answer. I didn’t answer her calls for a month awhile back. I found personal relief, but thought about her dying and my deflect to answer her calls. I didn’t want that on my conscience for the rest of my life. Oh yeah, my mom had a heart attack a few years ago with a stint. She’s a bit of a control freak I’m afraid. Do you have any advise, or recommendation? Thank you.

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Thanks I will let you know how things turn out.
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Reply to MSB627
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I agree with the above, call APS for Mom. If they find that the children are not being cared for, they will get Child protective Services involved. I would also suggest that if she is this upset, maybe its time for a Nursing home. Explain they are not like they used to be. She will get 3 meals a day and snacks. Help with washing and dressing. She will be away from brother and granddaughter. She will have peace.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I agree with the advice already given. I would also note that you don't know what's really happening from ten hours away. You say your mom has dementia, and it sounds like her personality is one that enjoys drama. There are many postings about caregivers whose loved one is "telling stories" to people who are not close by. If two young children are actually in the care of a disabled elder with dementia, the best thing to do is alert Child Protective Services. Hopefully, the situation is not exactly as your mom describes.
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Reply to Marcia7321
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Seconding Pepsee’s answer. In no way are you responsible for “fixing” this toxic and dangerous situation all by yourself. Talking with mom on the phone solves nothing. People with authority to actually do something need to be notified. Face the fact that the children will most likely go to a foster home if no other family member steps up. And, unless you want to remain in the epicenter of this situation, think twice before you volunteer to take the children. Mom, also, will probably have to leave. Have you thought about where she will go? Think twice about taking on that responsibility as well. She will need 24/7/365 care and supervision. You should have some idea of the answers to these questions before you make those calls. Time is of the essence, but have some idea what you are going to do when it hits the fan. And,mPepsee is right. Failure to act is not an option.

Please come back here and update us on what is happening.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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Hi MSB,
I honestly would make 2 calls. One would be their local child protective agency. The second would be adult protective services.

Those kids are being raised by two mentally impaired ppl. Brother and Mom. And an active drunk. So it's a three ring circus....but hardly funny. Very dangerous in fact.

I'm not being mean, but truth told,  if someone knows ppl are in dangerous living conditions and do nothing, they are just as culpable.

If you care anything for the children and your Mom, make those calls.

Keep updating here, you don't have to handle this alone.
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Reply to Pepsee
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