She has lived with my husband and I for over 4 years but here dementia (mostly communication/speech) is getting too difficult for us to mange on our own any longer. We are looking into a dementia facility but I am totally lost as to how to tell her she is moving. She will be so hurt and upset.

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I feel for you I have felt tortured a number of times just anticipating such conversations. I agree with the individual who said keep it simple. I try to think of something that would be of benefit to her, something to improve her current situation. Increased safety, help getting their health on track, activities, social opportunities. But you are the one who is around your mom the most, so you
likely can anticipate some of her responses. But keeping it simp!e and positive is a good start. Sometimes these conversations have gone great, and sometimes my best laid plan has spiraled out of control. So basically know however you bring it up, you used your best judgement, and it is really not you but the disease itself. I try to remember that in my mom's past days before age and dementia set in that she wanted only the best for me, and would never have wanted me to suffer so on the emotional end. I also try to relate these situations to when I was mothering my kids, and I in no way mean to demean or disrespect by comparing the elderly to kids. But in many ways it is the same, you are again in the mothering mode. Those conversations with teenagers in which I was doing what I knew was in their best interest but of course it would often end with me being the bad guy. Yeah that was awful, but I did learn there are conversations or conflicts that even though you are doing the right thing, you are just not going to.walk away from it feeling good. But sometimes I had to be the grown up in the room.And in the end it was for the best. I recently struggled for weeks over setting my mom up with hospice to manage her pain. My mom is not terminal and I knew that hospice dealt with end of life care but also for pain management and comfort care. I had mentioned it briefly a coup!e months prior and she did have
some anxiety over it, so I dropped it. Weeks later after I had exhausted all possible solutions to her pain issues, I brought it up in passing, she said she was ready to try anything. So I casually said we would talk to one of the nurses from.a hospice group and just see what we thought. By the time the visit was over I just knew it was the right and good thing to do help my mom and signed on. It was a particularly bad day for mom, so I didn't even ask her. I could tell she was ready . A month prior to this during one of my mom's doctor appointments, the Dr mentioned hospice. We both have the utmost respect for this doctor, so I asked if the doctor might want to.address this with mom. That was really very helpful, and removed some of the emotional aspect from it. A knowledgeable Dr or healthcare provider can be a real asset. My mom is in assisted living but so much of the managing of her medical care falls on me. I work very hard in my mom's behalf, but to not feel alone in trying to find solutions to all her medical needs was a complete godsend. I did not take care of mom in my home as you have done, and how very admirable that you did do that. Since the time my mom could no longer live a!one she has lived in assisted living. But even in assisted living, it requires a lot of me. And as hard as it can be I am glad I can do this for her in her last year's. Because I know what a big time commitment it is for me even with assisted living, I have come to think it is one of those things in life that requires a team effort. It helps me tremendously to be able to go home and get a goodnight sleep and concentrate my stuff for a time. You have done so well, I do hope hope you find your mom's move into assisted living s good thing for not only her but you as well.

y mom
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People do the best they can with this and there is no right way, but, I think that often family members think that they will be able to explain the reasons for the move in a logical manner and then their loved one, who has dementia, will suddenly process the information, regain clarity and say they understand and are in agreement. I've never heard of that happening, but, I suppose that it's possible.

It's probably more likely that you use words from the doctor about temporarily getting her health on track, while in this rehab facility, or staying for some test or physical therapy......whatever she will accept. And, it would also be true if the doctor suggested this.

And, if she does get angry, that's something that may happen, but, will be forgotten eventually. People who have dementia may sometimes get upset or angry for a number of reasons or no reason. I'd focus on the big picture and what is in her best interest.

I'd keep in mind that even if you do talk to her about it, she may forget, and it would have gotten her upset for no reason. If I had to do it over again, I would not tell. I would just go and explain once inside having lunch.
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In my case, there was no way I could tell my mother, because she would not have left the house. I had to lie and say we were going to the doctor's office. (She was Alzheimer's stage 5.) I got permission to spend the first night with her but then they suggested that I not visit for a couple of weeks so she could adjust. When I came back, she attacked me. She finally calmed down and actually enjoyed living with others. (She had lived alone for over 30 years.)

It's up to you how you handle it, as you know her best. Expect anger and hurt feelings but don't give in to them. She will adjust even if it takes a few months.

I agree, blame it on her doctor and safety issues.
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Tell her that the doctor said this is nessary to keep her safe. Tell her that whwn she gets better,she can come home. Stick to the simple answers. She may still be angry so it may be up to how you handle the guilt.
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