My mom has memory issues and gets confused and is a fall risk. There are signs that she has fallen several times and she is aware enough to tell me that she has fallen again. She has given up fighting with my father. He is a very controlling person and refuses to acknowledge that her living condition is unsafe and the quality is deplorable. My father is out of the house most days about 6 -8 hours and knows this is an issue but refuses to get home care in for my mom. He “tries” to get help by putting his kids who all work full time on the spot and when we can’t come, he puts her for a “nap” when he leaves so she spends about 15-18 hours a day in bed. We bring meals but he decides what to feed her. He doesn’t agree with the doctors medication so decides what to give her and what not to. When he is home, she is in a chair that he has chosen for her to sit in the rest of the time. He lies about what he is doing to care for her and gets very aggravated if we push him. She does not have showers or clean clothes for extended periods of time. The last time being 5 weeks. He doesn’t feel they are important and will argue with us. I could go on but I think you get the picture. We , 3 of my four brother and myself want to get home care brought in and we’ll pay for but he refuses to even discuss it and kicks us out of the house. She recently fell and broke her nose and shattered her knee cap. That has introduced so many more issues we’re battling but, when she was in rehab, she was a different person. Happy, social, less forgetful she wanted to move there she loved it so much. When he would show up to visit, which he scheduled purposely to get a free meal with her at lunch and dinner (he’s obsessed with not spending money) she would become negative and it was like a 180 degree turn. What recourse do we have to get her help that she needs either in home or to a facility with him saying no to any options we present? She has voiced her wish to be somewhere else but she does not want to deal with my father’s outburst and anger to keep control.
I also wonder where he's going for 6-8 hours a day, and is that safe for him?
Call APS and Social Services in your state today. Don't wait. If mom has to go to the hospital or to rehab again, talk to a social worker wherever she is and make sure they know.
:)
He is actually abusing her by not providing the most basic safety factors. Could one of you kids scoop her up and give her a respite? I remember having a very mean, controlling uncle who was so sneaky-mean to his angel wife. She covered for him numerous times and finally succmbed to breast cancer at the young age of 51. Their kids are positive the toxic vibes in the home contributed to her early death. Who knows? I never saw him treat ANYONE with respect or kindness.
SHE needs to voice her desire to be away from him and you kids need to be 100% supportive of her choices. If she was actually happy and thriving in a NH, that says a lot. She'd rather be in one than live with dad.
Sounds like you are dealing with a real bully. Good Luck!
She needs to be removed from this tyrant.
I honestly don't know how to deal with someone this controlling and dominating, but it seems to be habitual now, so that makes it harder. Your mother needs to be separated so she can allow her own personality to develop, but with your father dominating, I can't think of a good way other than to remove her to someplace safer, where he can be told to leave if he becomes too overbearing or uncontrollable.
Your mother also needs some "breathing space" to develop and cultivate her own personality, and strong support from you and your family, as well as friends and/or medical people, to recognize her own value and become her own person.
Have any of your raised this issue with any doctors, or would it be difficult? I assume he doesn't allow any of you to attend doctors' visits?
If you know for a fact your parents have no assets just their monthly income, then I would call in APS and let them investigate. Approach them that you feel Dad is abusing Mom by not allowing caregivers in the home and tell them what you said here.
We all have good reasons why we can't physically care for a parent. I, for one, placed my Mom because her care became too much for me. But, I would never leave my Mom in the situation ur Mom is in. I would get her out and then find solutions. I would also make sure that Dad was legally responsible for paying her support. She has SS of her own that can be transferred to another acct.