In November she fell and hurt her back and was in bed for several weeks. I took care of her for two months. She’s told me more than once that she knew she didn’t need to live alone anymore. I travel to spend time with her monthly. My brother and I talked to her about moving to assisted living and she didn’t object. We found a great place near her and took her to see it. Now that she’s there, she calls me several times a day wanting to go home or move in with me 300 miles away. My husband isn’t on board with the latter. My brother thinks she needs to stay where she is and that she’ll adjust eventually. She’s accusing us of making the decision to move her without her input. The daily calls and pleading to leave assisted living are wearing me out. I want her to be happy but, also, to be safe. I’m struggling with guilt. How do I deal with this? She’s miserable and so am I, knowing that she’s not happy. She’s 87, btw. Thanks for your input.
I agree with your brother. Make sure the staff at her place knows she is having a hard time settling in, ask that they check on her frequently and urge to participate in any activities they offer. Even if she goes and doesn't participate, at least she'll be around other people and that in turn will help her acclimate. She WILL acclimate in time, so don't even think about bringing her to move in with you.
WHO scammed her out of $7K? Brother? The agency? You better get to the bottom of that before she has no money left at all.
Listen to brother, who is closer to the situation and let him take over as much as he can. You'll all adapt.
You are not a felon who does malice and evil with great joy, so guilt is not for you. Sorry. The other G word is grief, and that is what you are feeling. You are a human being and not a Saint. If you were a Saint we would shoot you full of arrows, send you to heaven, and pray to you for eternity that you fix everything for us.
The truth is that everything cannot be fixed. It is sad and it is worth crying over, worth begging about and worth raging over. But it is still a fact. Not everything can be fixed.
Comfort yourself that those who SHOULD have guilt are people who generally are psychopathic personalities who never feel a stitch of guilt over ANYONE'S suffering.
I am so sorry for these unhappy circumstances. I am sorry that nothing can be perfect.
As to the loss of funds, this is serious business. You will need to do POA and arrange for your Mom to have a private personal account that is all hers, of some small amount, while you and/or your bro learn to do her bills and arrange payments and such for her own protection. If she will not allow that she will be destitute, and tell her that, and that she will have much less nice living circumstances if she is dependent on the State and Federal government for her care. My brother literally begged me to take over his Trust and his accounts when he was diagnosed with early Lewy's dementia.
I sure do wish you good luck. I am so sorry for all the unhappiness, but as you will know, it is a part of our lives at any age.