My mom is an insulin dependent diabetic. She also (I suspect) has OCPD and maybe NPD. She doesn’t allow me to have a life and doesn’t respect that I’m an adult.
She stalks me on occasion, and also harasses me. I have gone to the police about her behavior before. They didn’t do much for me, but the did give me some resources and said if I feel uncomfortable to go and get a RO.
She also is extremely germaphobic and abuses me if I try to anything adult. She expects too much out of me and is a perfectionist.
I have tried out many different strategies to handle it such as grey rock, temporary NC, and setting boundaries but setting boudnaires generally does not work. I have been abused by her since I was a kid and it’s gotten worse as she ages.
She sees a therapist but never tells them any of that stuff, and she refuses to go on medication citing it would be bad for her.
The boundary setting is very difficult and she won’t make compromises.
I have no family on either side, as everyone is toxic on both sides of my family. I was born as the black sheep, so I have very little support with this issue. I have had to go to non family members who I trust to get any sort of advice, generally close friends or my landlord.
I am sick and tired of dealing with this. I know it won’t change, but every time I try to cut her off she finds a way to lure me back in.
she is a recluse and doesn’t want to do anything fun unless it’s her idea. My ideas are generally rejected unless she’s in a good mood. She never wants to go on vacation, or do anything of the sort.
I would like some advice. I’m at a total loss.
Eg You've asked (many times) for her to call before turning up at your home at all hours - but she never does.
Ask Say Do approach.
Ask her to call first.
Say why, explain. Eg when you turn up, I feel I have to drop what I'm doing. It would be much better to have a time that suits us BOTH.
Do: Take action. Don't open the door. If you continue to open the door, she knows your 'rule' can be broken easily. If you argue, no-one wins. Just don't open your door.
Then you start applying that to everything & watch the magic begin. From a small seed grows a big tree.
Good move. Make your own 'family'. Sharing blood is not essential to forming close bonds.
"I know it won’t change". It's only natural to WANT it to... but if it won't, it won't. Not being able to change other people is a hard concept to fully accept.
There are wonderful books by Melody Beattie on these sorts of relationships. She uses the word codependancy. That word can have stigma but it's just a word afterall - co meaning together. It does take two to tango as Lealonnie wisely said.
Here's parts of a longer quote by Melody;
"Detachment is a key to recovery from codependency. It strengthens our healthy relationships - the ones we want to grow and flourish. .... Detachment is not something we do once. We learn it when we we're beginning to recover... and we continue to practice it along the way as we grow and change..."
And this;
"If I can't let go completely, I'll try to hang on loose".
Block her calls. Stop going to her house.
Ignore the pleas and antics and guilt she’ll try to pull when she sees you’re not going to be her emotional punching bag anymore.
Do not allow her to ruin one more minute of your life. She’s done enough! As a kid you had no voice or power. Now you have both! She has no say in what you do, think, or feel.
The “but it’s my mom” argument means nothing when she wasn’t a good mother to you.
You are right: nothing will change unless YOU change. As long as you allow your mother to 'lure you back in', you will always be under her control.
As an adult, you can have the life you choose; nobody gets to dictate TO you the sort of life you are 'allowed' to have. Why give your mother that right???
Go no contact and then STICK TO YOUR GUNS. No contact means you have no contact with the woman whatsoever. That way, she can't lure you back in b/c there will be no way she can contact you.
These relationships take two to tango. As long as you provide her with fuel, she has power over you. Withdraw the fuel, and she's powerless over you entirely.
Here's a link to some useful reading material for you:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/#3
Good luck and remember this: if mother needs assistance from caregivers now or in the future, Assisted Living Facilities are available to her all over the country.
Just don't answer her calls or texts.
Can you do that?