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My 72-year-old mom has been a diabetic since she was 50ish. She was still active that time, but refusing to curb her love for soda and other sweet drinks. She would visit her doctor and also going for alternative medicine, since she really hates taking medicine. Every time I asked if she took her medications, her answer was always yes.


In 2017, she had a massive heart attack, that required a by-pass. As I prepared my parents bedroom for her to go home, I found massive amount of medications that she never took. Turns out, she barely took them, relying on the alternative medicine, who she believed really help with her diabetes.


We started to notice her memory loss around 2013 or so. But after the heart attack, the memory loss worsen. She started to don't care about her appearance, including refusing to take showers and especially washing her hair [which could go for 3-4 months without washing].


We didn't ever realize that she has NPD until about 3-4 months ago, when I saw a video about how to deal with narcissistic parent(s). The family new she is always been strong willed, but we just think that's just her personality. Then I start to talk about it with my siblings [2 older sisters and a younger brother].


The last few weeks, it's been especially hard, since she starting to demand for my Dad to take her out for a meal. And we're talking about multiple times a day.....last week, it was 4 times. So they would leave around 8 am [usually they leave around 12, but it's just getting earlier each month], out for 2-3 hours. Then after been home for an hour or so, she would ask to go out again. As if, she hadn't been out at all.


It doesn't matter who take her out, but mostly it's my Dad. My siblings usually say no after the first outing of the day, but my Dad seems to be unable to say no to her. Even if he's very tired.


Also, Mom starting to slam the door, calling my Dad names [not curse words, but impolite nonetheless], if he refuses to take her out. So he always took her out. Dad is very calm and patient person, we never even heard him raising his voice to Mom. But lately he started to lose his nerves every time Mom asked to go out. But in the end, he always did take her out.


My siblings and I started to worry about Dad's health. And Mom's seems to be very empathetic to Dad's condition, as long as she got her way. We don't really care if her behaviours affecting us [we used to it], but it's affecting Dad's health, and we're very worry about him.


Any suggestions how to handle this situation? We already implore our Dad to just ignore her demands, but he seems to unable to say no to her. We understand that Dad spoiled Mom, but it shouldn't be at the cost of his health.

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You're not going to like this: find a continuing care facility for your mother that your father can visit every day and, ideally, move into himself when he is ready. Keep reading.

If you leave your parents as they are, your father will die. He will continue to support his wife past the point where it is in any way realistic, the stress and sheer work will overwhelm him, and he will die. At 77, and given their history to date, he is so much at risk that it becomes a virtual certainty.

Since your mother is genuinely attached to him and dependent on him for her quality of life, you and your siblings will not be able to console her. She will continue to be confused and demanding, but she will also be terrified and lost without him. She probably won't die for some years, but her life will be a nightmare that you will not be able to rescue her from.

You do not need your parents' permission to research facilities. Focus specifically on those that offer "continuing care" and see what is available.
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