My Mom has Dementia and we are moving. Should we tell her?

She lives in no time land, why would you tell her?

Dear "Katsue,"

Two years after my mom (who was 92 at the time) was officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's and still exhibited emotions, I told her my husband and I were moving. I didn't think it would be a big deal because we weren't moving to another state or even another city. She was quite upset. I had to keep telling her it was only 15 minutes further away - she just couldn't calm down. This went on for awhile the whole deal was a disaster, we never moved in, turned around and put it on the market while losing a large sum of our retirement fund. Thankfully, we hadn't put our own two-story home on the market and was able to stay put.

In 2018, we decided to finally sell our home and rent a one story house five minutes from our house so it wouldn't even change how much time it took to drive to her ALF at the time. I didn't tell her at all. We really had to be careful not to slip up though when we talked to her.

Now, two years later she's in a new facility that is in a neighboring city since she had declined in April when she nearly died of severe dehydration and COVID. She doesn't have the emotions like she used to have so even though I still haven't told her we moved into a rental home, I have told her it's pretty much a straight shot to get to her new facility even telling her our dog's vet is around the corner (which it is) for comfort. At this point, it doesn't seem to really register so I just let it be.

That being said, it seems like it would depend on whether they are still in the stage where they get highly emotional/upset or if they are like how my mom is now - nothing really seems to bother her.

In your case since you don't think she'd make the connection, you could just have them over and not say anything at all like you mentioned.

I hope that helps and I wish you and your family the best!

I agree with the others. The less change a dementia patient has to go thru, the better. The less anxiety she can suffer, the better. Tell her anything she needs to hear to keep her calm, not ruffle her feathers. OCD and anxiety get much worse as dementia progresses, so the worrying magnifies big time. Why add to it?

You are a wonderful daughter & your folks are fortunate to have you caring for them. Wishing you the best of luck with your move and with managing your parents' care.

I wouldn't tell her, but I would be reassuring your dad that nothing is going to change. He sounds a bit worried about it and he needs to be coddled a bit regarding the move.

When mom comes over, if she notices that you live in a different place just be really nonchalant about it and act as though it has been ages.

If it doesn't change the amount of time you'll be spending with them, what would be the purpose of telling her?

What purpose would it serve to tell her? It'll just upset her, thinking you won't be able to visit. You're still going to visit regularly. If you bring her to the new house she may not even realize you've moved. Nope. Don't mention it.

I wouldn't. It will not help her in anyway.

You are not that far away that its going to change what you can do for your parents. So no I wouldn't tell her. Especially if it upsets her. Having them over I may be OK but let her take the lead. Like if she says "this is not you house" Then tell her no we thought we would downsize and move like u and Dad did. Not too much info. She can't process it all. There is no reason to tell her your 20min away.