I’m an only child. I’m married with 3 children, which includes twin daughters and a son. One of my daughters has Cerebral Palsy due to a premature birth. I’m a very busy mom trying to meet her needs let alone my other two children’s needs.
My father passed away unexpectedly at the age of 64 (11 years ago) which left my mom a widow. She retired 4 days before he passed.
Anyway, the plan was always for my mom to move closer to us after my dad passed, but she struggled and drug her feet for years. Finally, about 1 1/2 years ago she decided that it was time. She now lives 10 minutes from my house.
She’s 70 years old and has dementia that is getting worse.
She leans on me for everything. She calls me 10-15x a day. If I don’t answer she drives to my house. She shows up at my house several times a day. She’ll beat on the door and window’s. It’s scary and smothering. I have an app on her phone to track her. I watch how she drives too! She absolutely hates being at home. She hated being at home where she use to live and hates being at home where she lives now. She’ll call screaming at me about something that I didn’t do, most of the time it’s a fantasy/hallucination that she had. I realize that it’s due to the disease, but it effects me and it’s hard to not let it get to me. She’s always been a pain, don’t get me wrong I love her, but she’s always been difficult.
When she moved here, the plan was for her to get all new doctors. She stopped seeing her old doctors years ago, because she didn’t like them. She changed her PCP 4x in a couple of years. Crazy!
So she saw a new primary care physician, neurologist, etc.
She didn’t like what any doctor had to say to her, so typical mom..she wanted to find new doctors again. No way was I going through this again, besides I accompanied her to all these appointments and they were just fine. The neurologist wanted mom to have more testing done, but she absolutely refused. She did have an MRI, which found that she suffered from 2 mini strokes. I’m sure that they happened while mom was moving. I thought that she was going to have a heart attack. She was so confused about money, how to buy the new house, the realtor (she thought that he was stealing stuff, etc). I could go on and on. I honestly thought that I was going to have a heart attack too.
Mom complains about everything (which I know is common, but still hard to be around).
The plan was for her to move closer to me so that she could help with the kids. I now have gained another child that’s like a 2 year old, but lives on her own, has a car and a bank account. I’m utterly exhausted. I also have medical problems and a husband that works out of town a lot.
She’s made some very poor decisions. A couple months ago she injured her leg (she told me several different stories as to what happened) and ended up in the hospital with cellulitis. At 1:30am she decided to pull her iv out and start walking out of the hospital. She didn’t understand why she just couldn’t go home to her own bed. The nurse called me telling me what was happening. My mom was furious with the nurse, doctor, and security. I drove there and tried to calm my her down. She was clearly not herself. It was horrible. She screamed at me and swore at me (I’ve never heard my mom swear before). It’s just all so emotionally draining.
I go back and forth with...should we look into assisted living, but it’s expensive. I have a mobile physician coming to see her this week and I’m praying that I can get her to take anxiety medications daily. I’ve set up a pill box before, but she sometimes moves the pills around instead of taking them. A social worker that I’ve spoken to told me that I should look into guardianship. I’m already a POA.
I can’t leave my children with her as a couple months ago she screamed at them (this never happened before).
The calling and stopping over all day, everyday is stressful
She should not be living alone.
She is not your responsibility.
You can't make her do anything she doesnt want to do (like go to Assisted Living).
This is all very sad and NOT YOUR FAULT. Your mom is stubborn, sounds like she some mental challenges before the dementia.
This is going to get worse before it gets better. For YOUR health and sanity, you need to set boundaries. Stop answering phone calls outside of a once a day check in. If she shows up hysterical and threatening, call EMS and have her admitted to the hospital. She might need an involuntary psychiatric hospitalization.
Hospitalization gives you access to rehab. Rehab can lead to long term placement.
If the hospital calls you, tell them that you cannot manage her behavior. The hospital has psychiatrists on call for that reason.
Your first responsibility is to your children. Do NOT let your mother destroy your family life.
(((((HUGS))))))))
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/the-limits-of-our-responsibility-451189.htm?orderby=recent
This is horrible, and stressful, and - to be blunt - dangerous for all of you: for her, you and your family.
When the doctor comes to see her, have ready the history that you've described to us so that the doctor understands the background before he examines her. Anti-anxiety medication may help your mother at some point, but your immediate priority is get her admitted for a comprehensive mental and physical assessment.
I think it's unlikely that she's been taking her heart disease medications for some time. Once she is being supervised, that should improve, some symptoms should improve, and then it will be possible to plan her long term care appropriately.
What happened after the cellulitis-related hospital stay? I'm wondering how her discharge home was approved then - what was said about her overall condition, and her ability to manage at home? Your mother is quite young, and you're ten minutes away, so it's possible that the risks are being underestimated.