I've been here 7-8 hours a day (plus a 2 hour round trip drive) with her because I'm scared to leave her alone, but wonder if I should back off. She is currently wheelchair bound, but won't try moving herself around on it, like all the other patients do. Even if she's two feet from the bed she won't try the hand holds on the wheels, she awkwardly tries to get there shimmying the chair with her feet. I have to wheel her everywhere. I even say okay, I'll wheel you there but on the way back you need to try yourself, but nope.
She won't ask the nurses for fresh water and ice, I have to do it for her or remind her 5 or 6 times before she asks.
She has an attached bag they use for draining fluid. It is full and she wants them to empty it, but at the time of me writing this post, she wants ME to hit the call button or go and get someone. Heck, I even told her med rounds are in 30-45 mins, just ask then. This is not the best nursing home and she's unhappy here so I'm afraid to leave her alone for long, but I wonder if me being here so much is holding her back from getting acclimated and more independent. We're trying to get her closer to home and in better facilities, but there's long waiting lists. Anyone have experience with this?
If she's not being changed regularly her skin will start breaking down and her room will smell bad.
She will have dirty clothes on, her hair will be dirty, her fingernails will get yucky.
She will start losing weight, get dark circles around her eyes, look unhealthy.
Learn to trust what you know good care looks like.
My grandmother was in a state facility, 40years ago you didn't have choices. It looked awful, every disabled person, every insane person, every demented senior were all together. Yet, you could tell by looking at her that she was being cared for. She never smelled bad, her hair was clean and combed, her clothes were clean and changed as needed.
My grannie was in a top tier designer facility and she had the exact same care. She was on Medicaid also.
When my dad was being moved from one facility, because of crap care, they gave me a survey that was used for their ratings. It was designed to give them good reviews and ratings. So, I don't really trust reviews. I look at the Medicare complaints, health dept violations and read comments from actual clients.
I pray that she regains enough strength to advocate for herself when you aren't around.
I get being obsessed after taking care of her for a year. You learn to feel responsible and that's a hard habit to break.
you need to ween yourself away from these crazy hours your keeping. Your mom will be all right. In fact, you probably will see her decline.. Normal…. Follow what Alvadeer said…
I have two family members in homes, both homes were clear, do not visit for a few weeks so the patient can acclimate themselves to their surroundings.
What in the world are you afraid of? That she won't need you 24/7?
Why should she try and do anything for herself when you are doing everything for her?
Help her to help herself, back off and let the trained professionals do their job.
I guess I'm just super worried about her - she has terminal cancer with no timeframe but she started immunotherapy today. I worry about the quality of care this specific facility has to offer. She was also getting very confused and couldn't even hit the call button on her phone for 2ish days and when I spoke up about it they noticed her potassium was low and put her on IV fluids for 3 days. She was so much better just hours later and if I hadn't been there I don't think they would have noticed and I don't know what that could have resulted in.
I think for the next day or so I'll keep up with the longer visits to keep an eye on her after her cancer treatment but next week I'm definitely going to cut back and see how it goes.
My grannie actually eloped one day and was more then a block away before she was caught.
I would encourage her to use her feet, I believe it can help stop blood clots from forming and wears them out.
Honestly, she doesn't have to do anything, you are helicoptering.
We found just arbitrary visits kept the care good. The staff didn't know when a family member was going to show up but, they knew we would show up.
I would try this and see how it goes. Maybe plan some fun for yourself and see her for a bit early in the day, leave and then stop by on your way home. Maybe not showing up tomorrow but, coming in later the day after.
I think the most important thing for anyone with a loved one in a facility. Learn to pick your battles and what is really important. Because nobody in a facility will receive the same care as they did by you and that is okay, as long as their needs and safety are being taken care of.
Good luck getting her moved sooner then later and please find ways to take care of you. You matter too!
Random visits is a good idea, so they never know when I'll be around. And I'm a teacher so I'm off for summer but definitely can't keep up daily visits come September.
I just worry about if her needs are really being taken care of. I couldn't do it on my own, that's why we had to send her there, but this facility doesn't have the greatest rep and I'm scared for her. They all seem nice when I'm there, but who knows what will really happen when I'm not.
She may get more independent with help of OT, but we don't know your Mom overall and her progression; she may NOT get better.
The fact is that you are going to need to reclaim some life of your own while Mom is in care; now is the time for you to act for some independence on your own, and hope this encourages Mom to do so for herself.
In something like this only time will tell. You already clearly recognize that you are enabling this behavior in some ways.