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She is finally more stable and seems content. He is 92 years old and has insisted on being her primary caretaker until just lately. Both of them are doing well, but he feels guilty and lost without her. Seeing her feeling better makes him wish to bring her home for a short while. I think it would be very confusing for her and disrupt her progress. Thoughts?

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No. Absolutely not. Even an hour out of their facility can throw them for a loop.

We tried this with husband’s grandma, simple lunch outings. But when we’d bring her back, she’d be so disoriented. She thought we were out of town or that we were moving away, and got upset thinking we were leaving her forever … we couldn’t convince her otherwise. Couldn’t remember where the bathroom was.

It’s not worth it!
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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I wouldn't do it. Hard for Dementia patients to adjust and seems like Mom has. You will only confuse her bringing her home and maybe have a hard time getting her to go back.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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This reminds me of the schizophrenic who stops taking their medication b/c they're feeling better. Only to become symptomatic immediately afterward and wonder what the heck went wrong? Try using this analogy with your father with regard to taking his wife home & possibly setting off a very bad set of reactions afterward.

Please leave well enough alone. It took a while to get her more stable & content in the Memory Care ALF, why rock the boat? Dad can go visit every single day if he'd like, which is almost the same thing as taking her home.

Good luck!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Would the facility let him spend the night with her? he sounds like his heart is broken. Maybe the staff would like him to help in taking care of her or just having dinner with her. When my mom was in memory care they let me partake in her care and let me spend the night in a recliner. I think it helped us both. They were short staffed so they liked me being there. You would have to get permission from the facility. He is feeling a loss of his routine of being her caregiver.
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Reply to Bubba12345
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cwillie Jun 3, 2021
I came here thinking something similar - while a lot of people might roll their eyes at the idea of people that age wanting/needing conjugal visits a lot of (most) old people are deprived of any kind of intimacy. It doesn't have to be much, but just the having ability to spend time together, whether it's simply holding hands or cuddling, are basic human needs.
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No, no, no. Don't do it. This is about Dad, not Mom, so he needs help with his loneliness. Bringing Mom home is a bad idea and will cause both of them great distress when she gets disoriented and scared.
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Reply to MJ1929
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MJ1929 Jun 3, 2021
I might add, too, that when Dad takes Mom back to her MC, to her it'll be like being taken there for the first time. She'll be distraught to leave home all over again.

Surely Dad wouldn't want to do that to her.
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I would not do this; it will disrupt a scheduled to which she has adapted. I understand that Dad misses her but perhaps there is a way he can make his visits longer and more often. If he doesn't drive, perhaps he could do an Uber taxi or maybe there is a gov't sponsored transportation for older people in his area ( check with the Office on Aging or the state's Dept of . Friends, religious groups could be asked for periodic rides to and/or from the facility.

Of course, if finances are not an issue and the Mom's facility has an AL section, is it possible that Dad might like to move there so that he could be closer to Mom and they could have meals together and share some activities? Just a thought
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Reply to geddyupgo
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Based on what I see in assisted living with memory issues, it would be nice but don't do it. It will make her want to stay home and she can't and it will confuse her. Let her find peace and adjust to where she is. Let him go to visit her.
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Reply to Riley2166
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Wow, if your mom adjusted that quickly to the move, you ARE blessed!!! Some take a really long time, if ever, to adjust.

The responses seem to be mostly the same - don't do this. It is very hard on those with dementia. Even when I'd take my mother to appts, when we were back in the parking lot, she'd start looking for her keys (to the condo.) She'd look at the place and ask where we are. We'd get downstairs, into MC, and she'd ask where her room was, where normally she could get there on her own. It sounds like he's suggesting taking her home for more than a day - even just one trip home for the day or a few hours is going to upset her routine and she could backslide. Who knows, she may even resist going. At least one resident where my mother was didn't want to go out - they came to pick her up for a birthday celebration for her and she refused to go. While I know they spent a lot of time planning and organizing, I can only imagine how upset this poor woman was, being forced to go against her wishes!

It is very disorienting when we take them out. She's adjusted quickly, I wouldn't recommend messing with that - at least not for a while. It would be better if he could spend more time with her. Try explaining to your dad that yes, indeed, she looks and feels better, but that's because she is in the right place for her. She is well cared for, but won't be getting any better. It will get worse, but he can enjoy time with her there. Suggest him going to be with her, maybe for the afternoon and have dinner together or another meal/snack. You'd have to inquire about overnights. Some places may allow it, others won't.

Work on getting dad to understand how difficult this will be for her. Be understanding for him as well, because he's missing her and feeling like he gave up on her too soon. His feelings DO matter, but he needs to know you all did the right thing and help him not feel guilty. If she's content and relatively happy, THAT is what matters!
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Reply to disgustedtoo
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You are spot on. The staff and setting on memory care have worked and you are seeing the good results. Bringing her home will be be disorienting and stressful, and you’ll end up back where you were. It won’t be fair to her, or you and your father. Then you’ll be back to square one all over again. It won’t be worth it.
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Reply to katepaints
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I know of one husband that would stay all day everyday of the week with his wife at the facility. Maybe he can have lunches and dinner with her. Sone family members come during meal time to feed their loved ones as loved one can no longer feed themselves. He can read to her etc... but mom should not go home.
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Reply to clavecin
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