She has become much more angry as of late, especially when it comes to attending this class. She finds it insulting. She has said multiple times "I went to college. I'm not dumb." This sentiment makes her look down on the other people in the class. She says the class is impersonal. She thinks the class is a waste of time but only does it because that is what her doctor recommended. She frequently says that UPMC (doctor's office) has boxed her with her Alzheimer's diagnosis because it prevents her from driving and because her diagnosis has convinced her family members that she can't do things she used to be able to do. She says she would like to cook, but she can't any more. She says she will knit scarves for her granddaughters, but she can't sew anymore. Unless I sit with her and direct her to do something (draw, read, etc.), she will not complete the task. The word "remember" is also a trigger for her. She gets both angry and upset because she says that she remembers a lot of things. She does remember things from her childhood, but she no longer has any short-term memory and cannot keep track of the days of the week or the date.
Any thoughts on two things:
a) Should my father and I continue to make her attend this class she believes is a waste of time?
b) Is there a way to tell my mom that she no longer has any short-term memory in a sensitive way? I understand it may be pointless trying to explain it because she most likely will not remember it.
I believe the doctor thinks socialization is good for her, but that class may not be the right kind. I tend to think there’s a lot of nonsense out there about engaging dementia patients’ minds and socializing them. That’s supposed to keep their minds from deteriorating. I doubt it. It just makes the family feel better because they don’t want to see dad sitting and staring into space. But if that’s what dad wants to do versus sewing yarn onto a card, fine.
Don’t make mom go. And don’t remind her she can’t remember. Let mom be the person she is now. Accept the changes in her. She doesn’t deserve to be hassled into a box that doesn’t fit.
In addition to asking the instructor about her engagement and enjoyment levels, what about also quietly visiting a few times in the background to see for yourself?
Going to activities regularly may be very good for your mom, but perhaps not this one.
In my mom’s early career, she taught kindergarten through junior high and later was a professor. She doesn’t have Alzheimer’s although she has dementia. She is acutely aware of the perceptions of others and her memory of what she did in the past blocks her from doing activities like coloring or gluing. When she could still talk, she wouldn’t refuse and say “that’s what my preschoolers did.”
Staff who engage her in dumbed-down activities in baby voice or worse, perky!! nurse!! voice!!, set her off. Regardless of her actual capabilities, she feels belittled and frightened by what’s she losing. When we switched, in one case to a Marine who talked to her as an equal, the difference in her attitude was amazing.
We know she’s not playing bridge (she knows too), but sorting playing card colors or fidgeting with the brought tally sheets is enjoyable because of the familiarity and interaction with people around her.
Yes, Mom has dementia, which is inevitably terminal, but dementia doesn’t destroy the whole brain in one go or in predictable patterns. According to the neuros with whom I’ve talked, many people retain their innate sense of self (or echo of it) far longer than many people realize.
You might also chat with your family about how you talk about the classes. I think the family of a male family member called day care “Senior day” or something like that. I had the sense they treated it as his job, so when he came home he felt like he’d done something valuable.
Anyway just some thoughts while I’m slowly sorting out the house.
Whatever you do, you are doing your best. I hope you can take a moment to give yourself a hug and let future you tell you what a great job you are doing right now in hard circumstances without enough information. All the best to you.
These youtubers explain it compassionately:
5 losses: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awBm4S9NwJ0
Stage 4: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coiZbpyvTNg
Moderate stage: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cZTgG6kDjs
Teepa Snow-10 early: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqmqC-702Yg
Teepa Snow-multiple videos: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2E2lPBsUeBjA1Utglo8q6yANAijEf8cX
Tam Cummings assessment tools/AD checklist https://www.tamcummings.com/tools
Have you asked the instructors there if she seems to be enjoying it? If not I would and see what they say.
One of the gentlemen in my caregivers support group was taking his wife to our local Adult Daycare Center and when he would pick her up and ask if she'd had a good time she would always say no and complain about it.
So he asked the folks running it if she was having a good time and they said yes she was loving it and even sent him a video of her dancing to the music and laughing and having a good time.
So knowing this he again asked her when he picked her up that day if she'd had a good time and once again she said no. But this time her husband knew otherwise.
So because your moms brain is now broken I wouldn't necessarily trust anything that she says .
And as far as trying to tell her that her short term memory is gone, don't waste your time as all it will do is upset her and you.
What other things could she possibly do instead of this class that she hates that would serve the same purpose?
I am so sorry that you and your mom are going through all of this.
B) She won't believe you or remember the conversation so IMO why bother?
Question number 2) You can certainly tell her, but those with dementia don't retain and cannot understand such information, so it may do little good.