My dad is caring for my mother with Alzheimer's. She is very abusive to him and he can't do it anymore. What can we do?

Follow
Share

My mom has alhzeimers my dad is her caregiver,both 80 She is very abusive to him and he can't do it anymore No power of attorney,what next

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
14

Answers

Show:
this internet program is very helpful and you find out that you are not alone. everyone has their problems. But think of yourself first and get the help you may need. There are support groups that do help and the alzheimer's assocation has a phone line you can call 24/7. Your dad also needs your help. When someone comes down with Alzheimer's it is very hard on the patient and also to the caregiver. I found out there are so many state laws that protect the elderly and don't work with the caregiver. You can seek out your state elder care and see if they can help. I understand where you are coming from and what you are going through. I took care of my own mom for almost 10 years. Going back and forth to New York for years when they first thought of the illness. the angry that your father is going through is only the begining. I know it is hard on you and you are not alone . patrica61
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

You could Baker act her
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I would have to agree with Vickifisher. Maybe a break is just what is needed. Dementia puts incredible strains on even the healthiest couples.

I would also check out some dementia support groups and materials for more advice on this issue. I work on an eldercare blog and we recently wrote a post that highlighted several dementia advice and community groups. Check it out here: http://www.rightathome.net/seniorhomecare/?p=438.

Best of Luck,
Bill
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

She either has Alzheimers disease or she doesn't. This should be medically documented. If she is in the early stages, not much you can do to force her to move anywhere. Complete outside help for your Dad is the better solution to this problem. If the abuse continues, just like any couple....he should move out. He deserves a right to happiness also. POA's won't help much in this case......only guardianship.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I agree with Vickifisher and dross34. Medication can make an enormous difference. Some people don't want to take that route, but it is for the sake of all involved. My mother was very combative and hard to live with . I was right on the verge of putting her in a home, then I talked to her Dr. and he put her on one tiny pill a day (only 1mg haldol) and it has made a world of difference. She has been in our home with us for over a year and her attitude is wonderful. She is not sedated and she is sweet and easy to take care of. Her sitters love to stay with her while we work. But, if we miss even a day of the meds, she reverts back to the nasty attitude.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

It is a very difficult situation. I also had a cousin whose mother was very paranoid and combative and refused treatment or medication. He became scared for her well being. Wihout the POA the son started the procedure to declare her incompetent. It required a doctor to certify her as such. He had a physiatrist come to his home and then had his mother over for a visit. She thought it was a friend of the family and allowed the doctor to talk and ask questions without her knowing what was happening. His statements to the judge allowed her son guardianship and the commitment to a home for her and her families safety. It is a very difficult situation and you think you are wrong to take such trastic actions. The easiest way for me to be able to handle these situations is to remind myself that I am responsible for my father-in-law's care and my cousin for his mother. If they are not capable of good decisions then they need help. I treat my father-in-law as my 5 year old son. If his decision is not a good one then I tell him no, explain why and give him direction. If he can not exist in the family framework then we have to find a way to include him or a place that he can be protected. In my situation for now it is working. But in the very near future I know that I am also going to be making some very hard deceisions. Good Luck!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This is definitlly too much for your father to deal with first of all he needs to go to an elder lawyer it is very important when it is a spouse rather than a parent he will need to look into medicaide and he needs legal advice and will need help with the process the way the things are set up these days it is very difficult for the well spouse.At his age the stress of her care will in time wear him down and he will also need care. The elder lawyer will be able to advise him what has to be done I started doing that for my husband and no one asked me if I was his POA -I was but it never was brought up-but he needed to be placed-he was already in rehab for the 16th time and the social worker made him medicaide pending and the social worker helped with with the application they can get information a lot easier than we can and it is in their interest to get it done so they can start getting paid.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

no one denies having alzheimers. they don't want to admit to it. Everyone feels as if there world is about to close down. I took care of my mom for over 10 years. I knew something was wrong. I was the one who told the doctor to run a test. She was confused at times, hit me, called me names. forgot to pay bills,left the gas on and brunt many pots.In New York they give special ID cards for the elderly. When I took my own mon to get a special phonto ID with her medical conditions every thing was OK. But when we got home she notice the card stated about the alzeimers and other medical conditions. She called the state office to have it change. Of course they called my number in Florida where I live and they told my husband what mom was doing. You see she knew but did not to come to terms. I was moms durable power of attorney/ only one on her will/legal heath epoxy and personal legal rep. The illness gets worse with time. First you do have to have a family meeting and also getr the alzheimers assocation to send you the 36 hour book/ plus see if they can set you up with someone to talk to. The state elder care can also help. It is a 24/7 hours job, that is why you dad is having a hard time. His sole mate is sick and she does not understand. I believe that the illness of allzheimers is so hard on the caregiver.My mom would not sign over the house to me, and we almost lost it, but I moved her to Florida with me. However I did not know how bad she was in health. I looked into day care and found one, of which after the fire dept was called I had to place her there for assisting living. You must face the fact she not going to get better, make her life comfortable. If she says something out of place, that is not her but the illness. may god watch over you and take it one step at a time. patrica61
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Do you perceive her to be a danger to herself or to others? If so, she really needs to be and can be involuntarily committed where she will get a full physical and psychological evaluation. You might need help from your local mental health association or home help or some crisis line in your city.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

She denied she had Alzheimers from the beginning, so she was not willing to sign over her rights. It has made it very difficult for all of us. Now she refuses to go to a doctor and won't take any medications. She is wandering and very combative. Dad is ready for help, but it is so hard to get anywhere without a POA or any legal ground to stand on! Any suggestions? Thank you for all of the responses so far. I couldn't go into much detail at first, because of limited character space!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.